ELYU

Day 5

"I know who you pretend I am, Luan."

Haru said with a sad smile. Two contradicting emotions, sadness and contentment. Contented to be who he's with right now, but sad that she knows deep down she isn't the one.

"What do you mean?" Luan asked. "Where is this coming from?"

"Ley. Let's not beat around the bush here. You know you wish I was her."

Her voice cracked, but she was unwilling to falter. Her pride was too high for her to admit she was hurt. Hurt by not being chosen, by being the option everyone settles for. She had enough, she's sick of it.

"Haruki Karma, you're the one with me right now, what do you want me to do?" Luan was losing his temper. The calm and collected front was beginning to crumble. Haru knows this wasn't the best topic to talk about and yet she's pushing it too far.

"Why Luan, am I wrong? Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm fucking wrong."
Her eyes were filled with passion, a different one from her usual. Haru stared at him, jaw clenched from a looking for a sign she was wrong. She has never wanted to be wrong so much, until now.

"Then you aren't Haruki! You aren't wrong but what am I supposed to do?! You know this isn't an overnight type of thing!" Luan ran his hands through his hair exasperatedly. Haru sighed deeply, she knew he was right, but she could help but feel hurt. Her emotions were winning over her understanding, she was almost at her limit.

"Why can't you love me? What am I missing? Am I the problem?" She could feel the familiar burn of tears on her eyelids, but she pushed it down.

"Fuck, Haru are you that dense? Because it isn't fair! You don't deserve me."

"I don't care. I want you so bad, but what the hell is stopping you when you know you want me. You know you want to love me? Am I not enough?"

"It's not that, and you know it." She scoffed.

"Goddamn it Haruki, if I could fucking remove this pain in blink of an eye, I would. I want to love you so badly but you already know it isn't that easy. Why would you say things like that?" Haru wasn't sure of what she saw in his eyes, was it sadness?

Disappointment?
Longing?
Regret?

The silence was deafening, she had to break it somehow.

"Because I want to love you." She said softly. She wanted Luan to let her in, give her a chance. "Luan, I want to be by your side. I'm not going to save you, but I want to help you get through this. We're partners, remember? Whatever happens to us, we promised each other. So please, let me in." Haru hated begging and yet here she was, begging for him to accept her into his solitary life. Luan looked at her sternly for what felt like an eternity, then left their shared room.

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Luan's POV

I didn't want to hurt her.

I walked out, not because I was scared, but because I know I can't control my words when I'm mad. I needed to clear my head, so I went to grab a pack of cigs. It was 2am, walking always helped me calm down, so that's exactly what I did, a quick walk to collect my thoughts. If I hated anything about Haru, it was that she was relentless. She never stops looking for answers, even if what she finds would hurt her, as long as it was the truth. She was an unwanted pest burrowing herself into my life with her incessant questions, as if she was entitled to every detail of my past..

It was getting under my skin.

Anger.

She knew how to push my buttons and I was at my limit. She knew from the start I didn't want any type of meddling, my life was mine, no one else. So why was she trying so hard to hear what she wanted? I know I don't explain myself sometimes, but that doesn't mean she can force an answer out of me. I felt eyes on me, though I was alone. That type of feeling when you hear their silent whispers of judgement, how everybody thought they were entitled to a piece of your life, your being. I felt like a puppet on strings and it irked me to no end.

I hated feeling this way, but somehow, I don't hate her.

As I lifted the cigarette to my lips, all the words she ever told me came flooding back.

"Hey, you should rest."

"I'm here for you okay?"

"I only want what's best for you."

"You can do it! Ganbatte!"

Lighting the stick only made them louder.

"Hey, smoking's bad for you."

"You should stop."

"I don't want to be the doctor who handles you when you get sick."

I sighed and balled my fist, destroying the cigarette in the process. This girl. What is she doing to me? I shook off the tension in my shoulders. No, this isn't right. I may be mad, but not at her.

I could never get mad at her, even if I tried.

I walked back to our room, rehearsing the things I wanted to say. I wanted her to know how mad I was at her, for prying into my life. The only thing I can call mine. Yes, I'm angry as fuck right now, but I know it's because of her actions, not because of her person. She was too stubborn for her own good, she needed to know what she did was wrong. Before I knew it, I was at our door. I took a breath to calm myself down for the last time as I opened the door.

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Haruki's POV

There he was.

Calm as the sea. I hated calmness, because the storm was usually right behind it. His eyes were angry, and I knew I went too far.

"Did you smoke?" Pride got the best of me as I coated my words in venom, hoping to coat my fear and guilt.

His eyes were piercing through my soul. "Do you smell smoke?" Words just as venomous, only his were authentic and mine wasn't.

I stepped back, letting him into our room. He sat on our bed as I closed the door. I felt his stare on me as I leaned my back on the door, hoping my knees wouldn't give up on me. I hated displeasing other people. I managed to pick up my stare off the ground, trying my best to meet his.

Understanding.

What?

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Luan's POV

Confusion.

What is wrong with this girl?

Was the idea of understanding while mad that foreign to her?

Did she not get the fact that I wasn't mad at her, just her actions?

I couldn't help but chuckle. It was clear as tonight's sky, she knew she went too far and she regrets it. The honesty in her eyes was undeniable. She finally let a smile of relief creep onto her face, letting her shoulders drop. I doubt she knew her shoulders were tense in the first place.

"Come here."

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Haru's POV

His arms wide open, ready to take me even though he was mad. I walked towards him cautiously, the guilt engulfing me fully as I melted in his arms.

"I'm not mad at you, okay? Never was, never will be." His voice was stern, but soft.

I nuzzled deeper into his embrace, hoping he knew I meant no harm. He brushed his fingers through my hair.

At that moment, I knew we were going to be just fine.