LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE: TEN INSPIRATIONAL LESSONS FROM MANDELA'S LIFE

LESSON THREE: FORGIVENESS HEALS EVERYONE

Take back the power

Forgiving is not usually as easy as it sounds. When someone hurts us, our natural instinct is to retaliate.  We want them to experience the same pain their actions brought to us and so we are inclined to try inflicting the same pain on them.

The problem with holding a grudge and not forgiving people is that it keeps us stuck in the past and holds us back from moving forward. Successful people know however that holding on to hurts, pains and past grievances will keep them back from moving forward. This is because when you do not forgive, you keep yourself chained to the past as you will never move past that negative incident until you have well and truly forgiven.

After spending 27 years in prison for what we could term a moral crime, the world would have understood if Mandela had come out angry and asked for restitution to be made, or demanding punishment for those who wrongfully imprisoned him, yet he did none of that. Instead he asked his fellow black South Africans who had endured incredible injustices at the hands of the white minority rulers to lay aside their anger and work towards building a stronger country; where everyone, irrespective of the colour of their skin could live in freedom. Mandela was no saint and I’m sure it would not have been easy to do so. Still, he made the choice to forgive.

I don’t think history would have remembered him so kindly if he had been vengeful, which would in no doubt have led to chaos and possibly, civil war. He understood that we do not make progress by holding on to bitterness or anger. We must let it go so we can move on.

The truth is that people will always hurt us and so we might as well get used to it, and find ways to deal with it and move on. No need clogging up our progress by holding on to hurts and keeping track of every slight. You will only be wasting the precious time that you could have been using in doing something worthwhile to re-live the pain and plot your revenge. Not only that, holding on to anger and trying to get back at people for hurting you takes away control from you, while forgiving and letting go places you firmly in charge of your life. As someone interested in being in charge of and creating success in your life, you must not give up control of your life to someone else.

Make the first move

Another way Mandela embodied forgiveness was to forgive without been asked to. Many of us forgive alright, but we only do it after the person who wronged us has apologized and asked us to forgive them. What if they do not apologize or ask you to forgive them? Are you willing to hold on to those negative feelings because you feel justified that they must show remorse before you can forgive them? Waiting for someone to apologize before you forgive them is also another way of giving up control. Be strong enough to make the first move by forgiving them and reaching out to them first. It is easy enough to forgive when you are being asked to, but sometimes, you have to just let the offence go.

Living your best is about you deciding the kind of person you want to be and going ahead to act that way. You cannot live your best life by being caught up in the pettiness of anger, bitterness and strife. Peace at all times should be your focus. Peace that comes from a serene mind that is not easily shaken by other people’s actions. Like Mandela, don’t hang on to slights or wait for apologies, forgive them and go about the business of living your best life.

Rebuild broken relationships

Another aspect of forgiveness that Mandela practiced was to forge relationships with the same people who had offended him. While it may be easier to cut off the people who offend you completely from your life, we cannot always do this in practice. This is because some relationships are necessary to our overall advancement in life and we will have to learn to forgive quickly, put aside past issues as we interact with them. For example, relationships with our children, bosses, colleagues, partners etc cannot or should not always be broken. What we need to do is to find ways to break negative communication and interaction patterns that trigger conflicts or change our reaction systems so we don’t live in a consistently tense environment.

The true test of forgiveness or building a peaceful life is our willingness to rebuild broken relationships. We must be willing to quickly let go of anger on a daily basis and to work with those who offend us. Building or rebuilding trust in someone who has offended you is never easy, but it is necessary that we learn to do this.  If Mandela had not laid aside his anger and worked with the same system that imprisoned him, we would not be telling his inspirational story today.

Sometimes you forgive and move on without them and other times, you forgive and rebuild the broken relationship. But always remember that to live your best life, you have to be willing to let go of anger, resentment, bitterness and all the negativity that comes from holding on to past hurts.