ethan becomes based

ethan and lady dimitrescu hang out

ethan spent the better part of the hour wandering around the halls being Lost. he thought of texting the duke to see if there was like, a map or something but thought it'd be weird to double text him. he had sent a text a couple of minutes ago asking if the duke was interested in hanging out sometime to just chill out and maybe watch friends or the office. he checked the phone and realized he was being left on read.

"the people in this village have no respect for decent television OR music," ethan thought to himself. he was thinking back to when heisenberg flamed him for being an ed sheeran fan.

after a bit he started shattering vases and glass cabinets with his knife just to entertain himself and de-stress. after breaking the fifth vase he saw, he heard a loud sigh. he whipped around and saw that beautiful giantess again... lady dimitrescu.

"it's always the same with you men isn't it?" she hissed. "i would have liked to assume that after years of social development, at least one of you would be somewhat manageable. yet, here you are, smashing up my vases and destroying my antique cabinets! i bet you have a home furnished with goods from ikea, how about i come to Your house and just dismantle those? or better yet, i can dismantle them and take but one screw from each part so that you can never put them together without immense effort," she continued to ramble.

ethan just blinked. boomers man... he was glad to be a millennial.

"i... yeah, i can't even give an excuse for why i was smashing up the vases. i was a bit upset because i was thinking about heisenberg again," ethan said blankly.

"...? Heisenberg? why are you thinking about That degenerate?"

"he's been on my mind a lot because he seems annoying but there's something mystifying about his energy. like he has both good vibes and evil energy emanating from him," ethan explained. "but he called me a 'local' and made fun of me for listening to dad music and ed sheeran."

this time lady dimitrescu was the one who just stared blankly at the other. ethan was really bizarre and, frankly, confusing. she had no clue how he managed to escape heisenberg's "obby" if he was like this... she cleared her throat and tried to move past that subject.

"well... fine, i honestly am so unsure of how to proceed so i am just going to test your blood to see if it's even worth it to keep you around," she said.

"look lady, i've had enough blood tests lately, i do Not need one from you," ethan replied.

lady dimitrescu didn't reply. she merely took a knife out and cut ethan's palm before he could even process what was going on.

"WHOA! hey, what the hell! unbelievable... the people in this town are all so fucked up and twisted," ethan yelled.

he tried to snatch his hand away from the woman but she was faster (and stronger). she awkwardly slurped up some of his blood like she was sipping from a capri-sun that had been left outside for a while. she pursed her lips and raised a brow at the little man.

"...this doesn't taste right for two reasons. number one, it just tastes... bland. i am assuming you have seen gordon ramsay clips on the internet before? yeah, no... it's just missing that prowess, the flair... and it tastes a bit old. number two, it also just doesn't taste the same as any man-blood i have had in the past. there's something about it that is just off," lady dimitrescu explained.

ethan felt like he was the line cook in hell's kitchen who always got in trouble for bogging something up. being told that his blood tasted 'boring' and 'bland' was not helping his self-esteem. and what the hell was with the remarks at the end?

"i don't understand the second point you're trying to make. what do you Mean it tastes off?" he asked.

"i cannot explain. it feels like theres more Hormones in there for some reason," she said dubiously.

ethan clicked his tongue and sighed. "okay i did my t shot like, two days ago. your point? not all of us get to be cis." —

lady dimitrescu was surprised Again. "wait... ethan, you're trans?" she said.

"yeah yeah, i know. before you start asking The Questions, i'm just gonna ask that you keep those to yourself," he replied with a huff. he was so tired of cis people. wait, how did his blood taste even out him as being trans in the first place? that didn't even make any sense. then again, the whole idea of him having to go run around to become cultured in memes wasn't any more comprehensible.

"oh, no, i'm actually impressed. believe it or not, i'm trans too," she said with a vague hint of happiness. "i know how it feels to have to struggle with foolish cis people asking the same questions over and over again too by the way. i've been dealing with that life for centuries now."

if this was a sitcom, ethan would have wanted something like the seinfeld theme to start playing. he couldn't think of how to reply beyond just looking impressed and, admittedly, confused. assuming that she was a vampire, ethan had to wonder how vampire gender transitioning even worked... he did not want to pry.

"ugh... look, because i obviously say trans rights, i'm just going to ignore you for now to go do something else that is more entertaining," lady dimitrescu said, starting to walk off. for once, being trans worked in his favor as a benefit.

after she left, ethan remembered something Important that the duke had told him earlier. (flashback time)

"mr. winters, if you wish to find your daughter i believe she is being held at mother miranda's 'estate', if you will. we call it that but in reality, it's just her random underground bunker. i do not quite remember how to get there from here but you cannot access it anyway i am afraid. not unless you have The Keys to get in," the duke explained. he had a tendency to ramble on and on but ethan was okay with that. as long as he didn't have to fight scary monsters, it was fine.

"okay, and where do i get the keys...?"

"right, those would all be in the Four Lords' manors. so you want to deal with dimitrescu first, then beneviento, then moreau, then finally heisenberg. and no, i do Not mean you have to murder them or anything, just find a way to snag the keys. from what i am aware though, they Do keep them in their personal bedrooms," the duke continued.

"thanks man, i'm jotting this down in my diary," ethan mumbled. he was furiously taking notes down in his grubby little notepad. the duke noticed the margins were full of doodles like the stussy s, ethan himself, and random drawings of eyes... odd.

(flashback end)

after that memory, ethan nodded again. the task was easy enough: he just had to find a stupid key to get out of this castle and go to the next... but how was he supposed to find lady dimitrescu's bedroom... there were so many damn rooms in this labyrinthine structure. ethan was assuming everything would be a cinch but forgot that his fortune was absolutely horrible. his horoscope that morning even said, "warning: today may be twisted and confusing. use excess caution and stick to your gut."

as he was spacing out, he felt a tap on his shoulder. he whipped around and saw a blonde girl staring at him with a mysterious smile. ethan gave her a white-boy smile and stepped back a bit.