Maximus of Mine

Page 12 You Are Afraid of Change

Glen, George, Fred and I were studying on call. Our exams were drawing closer, and we wanted to do better in our finals. Or at least they. I didn't feel like studying. And after a while, I found out that none of us really wanted to do better, frankly none of us cared. So we just switched to gaming instead, throwing those fat books aside.

It was so fun, until mom yelled and asked if I wanted to go visit grandma. I can't understand my family's obsession with my grandma. I mean, she's a nice lady and I really like her. But I'm grown up now, I have friends to be around and parties to attend, I can't be going to grandma's every weekend like a little kid. 

I want to play with my friends.

After the games, I removed my headphones and realized that the entire house was dark. I was home alone and it had gotten dark outside. So I turned on all the lights, made myself some dinner and went outside to smoke a cigarette before eating.

I saw mom park the car in the garage while I was smoking. The dog welcomed them home and mom walked towards me, "Smoking?"
"Yes," I exhaled smoke.
"You know, it's not the best for you. Smoking kills you slowly,"
"We are all gonna die anyways,"

"That's a very pessimistic view of life," Mom sat beside me as I smoked, "Don't you want to enjoy a healthy, long life?"
"I want to die young," It wasn't the first time mom had heard me say that. But, she reacted calmly that night as her blue eyes looked into mine, "I hope one day...you would want to live,"

"Why? What would change?"
"You," She smiled at me and I chuckled, "Don't be ridiculous, mom. Nothing can change me,"

"True, nothing but you," She got up and left. I threw the half smoked cigarette butt into the ashtray and walked to the kitchen to eat my food. I looked at mom as I ate and I wondered maybe things would be better if I started taking care of myself. If I stopped smoking, stopped drinking all those funny, sweet drinks...

I looked at the photo frames on the wall, I never liked the way I looked in pictures. To the extent that I don't have pictures from the most beautiful moments of my life. Because I've made myself believe that the moments were beautiful, but I was not.

That night, as the living room lights were dim and all I could hear was the clock ticking, I sat on the sofa and contemplated that if I just became a real man and took control of my life, I could finally get rid of this feeling... of never being good enough.

And so, I kept the cigarette box on mom's book shelf and took a deep breath, "No more smoking,"

Once again in life,
I wanted to feel good enough.

-To be continued