Broken Records//l.h.

chapter 12

I woke up in my bed. I couldn't really remember what happened exactly, but I'm pretty sure it was fron my stepdad. Sometimes I wonder if my life is really worth living. To go through all this pain and it not be worth it. No one really does like me. I want to believe Michael and Calum and Ashton do but I can't help it.
You know what to do. You're in pain, you need to let it out.

I was hypervenilating from the decision. I wanted to, no, I needed to cut but sonething was holding me back. I slowly stood up and started to walk towards the bathroon but turned around. Then began again, reapeating this process several times. "Ugh!" I screamed, putting my hands in my hair. I rocked back and forth on my heels while trying to make the decision. That's when I heard a knock on my door. My head jolted up at the sudden sound. I knew it was one of the guys because neither one of my parents would knock but just storm in.

"Hey Blake," called Luke. "Are you okay? We heard you screaming." This told me the guys were home. He couldn't see me like this. No.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine." Fuck, my voice cracked. My eyes watered as Luke opened my door.

"You're not okay," he told me as his arm enveloped me in a hug. I sobbed into his chest while he just rubbed my back. "It's okay, you're gonna be okay. I'm here princess, I'll protect you." He kept whispering small things like this in my ear as he ran his free hand through my hair. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong," Luke told me. "I'm just here I'm not gonna leave you."

"Thank you."

"Do you wanna go out and get some pizza with me and Ash? Pleeeeaaaase? It'll make you feel better," he asked, giving me his best pout.

I panicked because I wanted to go but didn't want to eat anything. You're nothing but fat. Don't fucking eat. You don't need it. "Uh sure." Giving him a small smile, I pushed him out of the room so I could change. I wish I had been strong enough to say no, but he looked so happy. I don't know why, I'm nothing but a waste of space. Psh, that's an understatement.
Shut up.
Whatever.
TRIGGER WARNING

I tried to ignore these voiced as I hopped in the shower. I quickly scrubbed the soap and hair products on and shaved. The razor's temtations weren't enough, no matter how hard I tried. The cabinet doors slammed shut as I grabbed a blade from under the sink. I quickly slid it across my wrist, sighing in relief as I felt the familiar sting. It felt amazing. Too bad it was "bad for me." Psh, whatever. I did this multiple times before turning to my thighs. Words like fat, ugly, whore, useless, and perfect were put into the pieces of fat. Rinsing off my cuts with the water, I threw the blade back to its original position and grabbed some bandages. My comb was run through my hair afterwards as I made my way to the closet. I settled for my favorite ripped, black skinny jeans. For a shirt I chose my old 5sos tee with rolled up sleeves. My black high tops were slipped on next. I took my cozy black sweater with me back into the bathroom to put on later. I plugged my hair dryer in as I took my hair out of its bun. After drying my hair, I pulled it up into a messy bun with a few pieces hanging loose. Eh, I thought. It could be worse. I took out my concealer, powder, and foundation and applied that with a thin line of eyeliner and some mascara. I checked the mirror to make sure I looked, decent. I made sure to put on extra concealer for the bruises formed on my face. I whispered to myself, "Fake a smile and no one will notice a thing."

........................................................................

It took about 15 minutes to get to the pizza place, and those 15 minutes were filled up with Greenday and blink-182 along with other bands blasting through the radio. I was enjoying it, but a part of my smile felt forced when they looked at me. I was having fun just...I wasn't able to show it. When we finally arrived there luckily not very many people there, so we could park close. We went inside and a bell rang. Oh, so they're one of those places, I thought. We sat down in a booth in the corner, far away from anyone. The two guys were discussing many things, most of which I wasn't paying attention to. I was too busy worrying about how to not eat without them noticing. Soon enough, a waiter cam over to get our order. You could smell my anxiousness. I just asked for a water to drink since it was easiest to get. We decided on a large, half pepperoni half cheese pizza. Most of the time waiting was spent on Twitter or someone telling terrible, corny jokes. At one point, since we were sitting next to each other, Luke grabbed my hand which sent my stomach into a whole mess. Typical teenage romance I know, but it's true. Soon after, the pizza arrived and all I could do was think about how many calories this had. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I grabbed the smallest piece of cheese available. I tried to drink as much water as I could, filling me up faster. I could see Ash eying me as I played around with my food so I pretended to not notice it and just eat it.
Stop eating, you're gonna look like a fatter cow than you already are.
Shut up. I don't need you right now.
Oh honey, don't know know? Ana's always with you. And I won't let you eat another bite.