of the loved and the unloved

unwanted memories

diluc's office is creepier at night where there is no sound, and most of the housemaids are asleep and taking a rest. only the head housemaid, adelinde, is usually up this late and kaeya isn't sure why. the two are out later than he expects, and he almost regrets giving childe and diluc such an amazing opportunity to indulge in each other. the day had been so hectic he almost forgot why he was in his brother's mansion in the first place.

he's finished compiling the batches of diluc's work neatly and compactly in one spot, even going as far as to labeling them so that it would be easy to navigate through. kaeya would be damned if the redhead returns just as angry as this morning, he better be inebriated from falling so deeply in love with that harbinger or childe will be getting a beating for wasting his efforts.

he chuckles to himself at the thought, genuinely happy that diluc has found someone to love... someone to be loved by. it makes him wonder how much childe could possibly butter diluc up in the future. what if diluc starts smiling regularly again? laughing for once? try doing something childish for once?

he shudders, okay, maybe— maybe we should take baby steps here. that's too big of a change too early.

kaeya huffs a breath as he carries the bag full of neatly packed files consisting of his and jean's work. if he keeps going at this, he might have just made a new form of heavy lifting for himself. the clock on the desk of the office ticks, he looks at it and bites his lip.

they're really having fun, aren't they? it's only an hour away til' it strucks midnight. he really hopes that childe didn't do something stupid and hurt his brother because if he did, the eleventh fatui harbinger wouldn't see snezhnaya again. kaeya could confirm at least, that.

he almost walks out of the room until a box on top of one of the cabinets falls down onto the floor, it's contents falling everywhere. the knight scowls, because of course this had to happen the moment he was leaving. he crouches down to inspect what had gotten out of the box and he almost drops the heavy bag out of shock.

they were his old items, before he got kicked out. hah..

he has to get out of here. this really— he can't bear being here any longer. kaeya wants to leave but his self-decency stops him because he can't leave someone's personal space in a mess. he touches the old eyepatch and it feels like it shocks him from the memories it brings. diluc's tiny giggles, crepus kissing his forehead to soothe him everytime he got a nightmare, diluc braiding his hair for fun, crepus teaching him how to wield a sword, diluc receiving his vision, crepus comforting him when he had flashbacks of khaenri'ah, diluc letting him sob into his shirt when he remembered his biological father—

there were old pictures of art he drew when he was younger. he often drew scribbles, trying to describe how dark it was in the abyss. he often drew trees, trying to replicate a small part of what the irminsul came to be. he tried to write songs, but he couldn't write in mondstadt's language fluently til' he was twelve.

this old patch used to be drenching in blood. now it is kept safe in a random box of diluc's office cabinets, because that is completely normal.

his breath shudders as he places all the other items he can't bear looking at into the box and puts it back where it belongs. he's not going to even ask why diluc kept those things because frankly, he doesn't have the energy to.

the knight only leaves a note to bid adelinde farewell. he doesn't really have the will to talk to her or anyone for that matter, after what he just found. kaeya doesn't think he's going to be back anytime soon— either. this whole experience has discomfited him to no end. if those lovebirds want another date, then they will simply have to trouble someone else.

anyone might think that he's being a baby, avoidant, whatever they wanna come up with; they're probably right— but he also doesn't care, because he isn't welcomed, he never has been for a long time nor does he think that he deserves to be.

he shakes his head when he realises he's thinking too much about khaenri'ah, and crepus, and past diluc. if he'd just stayed at hq, this wouldn't have happened, but diluc also wouldn't have gotten his date. think positive!! it's how you've survived up to this point anyways.

he gets to jean's office eventually, finally, and drops the heap of work on top of her desk with a loud thump. god, he feels so weak. didn't he eat at the picnic earlier? what did he eat? he can't remember. if albedo knew, he'd be so mad. wait— no, he's probably thinking about sucrose right now. haha, archons beyond; he needs some alcohol right now because all his thoughts are turning into mush.

kaeya grunts, sitting down on jean's seat for a second to gather his bearings, covering his face with his hands debilitatingly. he doesn't even notice jean in her casual clothes walking in, rather awkwardly. when she finds the flamboyant knight with his head buried in his hands, she thinks kaeya has finally broken.

"kaeya?"

his head snaps up so quick in almost gives him whiplash, seeing jean makes him feel ashamed. nobody should have had to see him in such a pathetic and vulnerable state. her face is dripping with guilt, it's so obvious she thinks it's her fault, as if sickness was something that could be controlled.

"jean, please. i'm alright—you won't get any better stressing about my health now, will you?"

the acting grandmaster's skin is still slightly too pale and her dark eye bags, (which seem to be a recurring issue with today's people) are still dark and heavy. jean looks better than yesterday, yet still horrible at the same time. he doesn't mean her good looks decrease with her health, even in sickness she still radiates grace. perhaps, jean has always had a knack for being beautiful.

"that's quite right, kaeya. you should learn from my mistakes. duty calls, but so does health, and one punishes more than the other." the blonde's voice is raspy and croaky, it sounds painful to talk. he smiles kindly, because the easiest way to handle jean is to agree with her. it makes her peaceful, and that's all she ever deserves.

"noted. now go on and head over to lisa, she probably needs you more than i do. rest well."

"likewise, kaeya."

a good night to end with alcohol, he decides.