Running on Insulin

Chapter 39

I sat in the darkness in our room.  I'd screwed everything up. We were finally getting somewhere with Samantha and I screwed it all up in one second.

What the hell was I thinking? I can't be a parent. This kid needs someone better than me. She doesn't need another screwed up father.

I put my face in my hands and cried.

"Ty?" I heard Josh outside the door. I didn't answer.

"Ty? Are you in there?" Josh asked more urgently. I still didn't answer.

"Tyler, I'm coming in," Josh said, and opened the door.

"Dude," he said. "What the hell?  What happened?"

"I fucked up Josh. We can't adopt her. She deserves better parents. Well, a better dad than me. Jenna's perfect. But she deserves better than me."

"What are you talking about?" Josh said. "You're an amazing dad already."

"I just undid everything we accomplished. It was a glass, a fucking glass."

"And did you yell because she broke the glass?"

"No. I didn't want her to move in case she stepped on the glass."

"Which is what a parent does.  You keep your kid safe. You didn't fuck up, Ty. You tried to protect your kid. Unfortunately, your kid has issues of her own, and thought she was in trouble, because that's what she's used to. She didn't hear protection in your voice, but anger. And that's not your fault. She needs to work on that and that's going to take time. You reacted to a situation in a way that's totally normal. Unfortunately, Sam reacts in a way that's not normal. But she's already calming down. Jenna's got her and she's reminding her you aren't going to hurt her and that you were trying to protect her."

"She wouldn't let me touch her. She's scared of me," I said.

"Yeah. She was. Because what do you think her dad would have done if she dropped a glass?  He probably would have hit her. That's what she's used to. And her go to reaction is to protect herself.  That much is, I guess, a normal reaction, considering her history."

"You were right the other day. What are we doing?  I'm just going to fuck this kid up more," I said.

Josh sighed.

"Ty, you're spiralling,"  he said. "And you know this isn't healthy for you.  You did nothing wrong. Jenna is calming Sam down, and now it's your turn. You need to remind yourself that you really are a good dad. You were trying to protect her. When Jenna gets Sam calmed down, you can explain to her that you were trying to protect her, to stop her from stepping on glass."

I didn't answer him. I couldn't. The voice telling me how badly I'd screwed up was too loud.

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Josh POV

As soon as Jenna took the screaming and flailing teenager from me, I went to find Tyler. When I'd gotten Sam away from any stray broken glass, he'd walked out of the room. Jenna was focussed on Samantha and I had a sinking sensation that this had dropped Tyler into one of his dark places.

I went upstairs and saw their bedroom door was closed. But there was no light coming out from under the door. If he was in there, he was in the dark, both metaphorically and literally.

I knocked on the door.

"Ty?"  No answer.

"Ty,  you in there?"

Still no answer.

"Tyler, I'm coming in," I said before opening the door.

He was sitting on his bed, his hands covering his face. I think he might have been crying.

I spoke with him, telling him he was a good dad already, reminding him that Samantha's issues are going to take time for her to work through and that I could tell he was spiralling and I told him so.

Eventually, he just stopped responding. I knew sometimes he also needed space when he was in this state. But I certainly wasn't going anywhere until he was okay. I left the room, and went back downstairs to see how a Samantha and Jenna were doing.

Samantha had calmed down pretty much completely. She was actually snuggled into Jenna on the couch and they were talking quietly. Samantha looked at me when I came into the living room.

"Is Tyler mad at me?" She asked. "Because I broke the glass?"

"No," I said, sitting beside her. "He's not mad at you at all.  He yelled because he wanted you to stay where you were until we could get the glass cleaned up. So you didn't step on any of it. It was a knee jerk reaction, and he feels horrible that he scared you."

"See, sweetie?" Jenna said. "I told you. Tyler was looking out for you. He wasn't thinking that shouting to get you to stay where you were  so you didn't get hurt would cause you react how you did.  He was only thinking of your safety. Tyler would never and will never hurt you. He certainly will never hit you. Certainly not in anger."

Samantha sighed.

"I hate feeling like this," she said. "I hate being so afraid all the time."

Jenna hugged the girl close to her.

"I know sweetheart. That's why you're going to Dr Freud. And we'll help you too.  We'll be here all the time."

"Should I go talk to Tyler?" She asked me. I could see she didn't really want to, that she was somewhat afraid still.

"He's feeling really bad about scaring you. I think he needs a few minutes to himself, okay?" I said.

"He's really not mad at me?"

"No. He's not. He's mad at himself, though."

Samantha frowned.

"He shouldn't be mad at himself. That's, well, kinda dumb."

"Sam," Jenna said. "Do you remember when we first told you about Dr Freud and Tyler told you he goes to a therapist sometimes?  Tyler sometimes struggles, too. With his own issues.  And when he feels really bad about something, it makes him really sad. And when it does, sometimes he needs a little space. I promise, he's not mad at you, and he just needs a bit of time to feel better."

Samantha nodded.

"Can I go upstairs?  I still have a little homework to finish."

"Okay, sweetheart," Jenna said. "But be sure to leave Tyler alone, okay?"

"Okay," she said.

Jenna turned to me as Samantha went upstairs.

"Do I need to be worried?" She asked me.

I sighed.

"He might be spiralling. He's really upset about yelling at Sam. He was really only thinking of her safety, and didn't think about how she'd react. I'm not worried yet. He talked to me for a bit, but yeah. We'll need to keep an eye on him.  I can stay as long as you guys both need me."

"Could this derail the adoption, do you think?"

"From a DCS point of view? I don't think so. They wouldn't have approved you in the first place if it could. But he's down talking himself and thinks he's a terrible father because he yelled and because of how she reacted."

Jenna sighed again.

"You have no idea how glad I am you're here, Josh," she said.

I nodded. This is my family, I thought. I'm not going anywhere.