dear agent hotchner || a.h

six

I didn't know how I was even supposed to comfort everyone. To reassure them that everything's gonna be okay when in reality it wouldn't be. This was really a losing game for us all. No one was coming out of this with a smile. "I didn't want to tell you all because I didn't want to make you sad so soon. I wanted this next year to be really good for us all." I state after no one said anything for 20 minutes. They were just trying to process what I had said, letting themselves feel it, trying to render the words I had said completely useless. Trying to convince themselves it wasn't actually true. That I wasn't dying.

"A year..?" Emily asked and I bit my lip. "I have a year minimum, I could make it a few months after a year if it doesn't progress like it has been." I explain softly, I felt like I had to cry but I had cried so much today that the tears didn't even make their way into my eyes. Aaron pulled me close and I rested my head on his shoulder. He was crying, I could tell he was because he wasn't verbally comforting me, and a wave of shakes as if he was holding back sobs would take over his body every few seconds. It hurt to feel that.

"Fuck it, you have a year left right?" Derek asks, sniffling as he wiped at his eyes and I slowly nod. "Then we make this the next best year we all ever had. We all have a shit ton of vacation days built up." Derek says and I tilted my head at him, confused. "I say we take a week or two off and go do some crazy shit. Go to the beach together, go sky diving or some shit I dunno. Pretty girl I gotchu." Derek says with a nod while pointing at me, tears still in his eyes and I stood up, walking over to engulf him in a hug. "You think we could make that happen?" I ask, turning to look at Aaron. He slowly nodded, red eyes puffy with tears. God I hate myself.

I slowly released the hug with Derek and Aaron let out a shaky breath as we all waited for an answer. "I think uh.. I think I can get us two weeks max. I can't tell them the circumstances, or else they'll try and do anything in their power to get you off the team but I can request vacation time for us all. We have the next two days off, use it to pack and I'll get everything situated." He says and I faintly smile as I wiped my eyes. "And now that I have a feeding tube I won't be throwing up constantly so it'll be actually fun. Is everyone down?" I ask and I received a bunch of nods, I didn't expect much excitement considering the circumstances.

"If I get to see you in a bikini I'll go anywhere." Emily joked, sniffling a bit while shooting me a smile and I smiled widely back at her. "Deal." I say and I noticed Aaron smile softly. "I want to also say it's okay to ya know, be upset about this. Just I ask, don't treat me differently or not hold me accountable or just walk on eggshells around me because I'm sick. I'm still me. We don't need to worry about me dying for quite a bit." I say, sniffling as I stretched my shoulders back. "So we should just pretend you're perfectly okay?" Spencer asked and I shrugged.

"If you want to, or you can simply acknowledge it and not let it consume you. That's what I've been trying to do so it hurts less when the time comes." I say and he just stared at me sadly. "Easier said then done." He says, his voice breaking and I felt my heart ache. "Oh sweetheart." I say sadly as tears filled his eyes again, sitting next to him to pull him in for a hug. Garcia on the other side of him rubbed his shoulder in attempts to comfort as he totally broke down in my arms. "I'm here now and that's what matters. I'm not going anywhere for a while." I say and he just squeezed me tighter.

"They'll.. They're gonna repla..replace you. Someone else will sit at your desk and try to take your place.. and-and it's not fair." He says, pulling away to look at me. That stung to hear, I haven't even thought about that. "I am way far from replaceable, Spence. Yeah, they'll put someone in my place to help you guys sure, but whoever it is won't replace me. I know it isn't fair, it seems as though bad things tend to happen to the best people. You all don't deserve to go down with me and I apologize deeply for that, but right now I'm here. I'm alive and I feel great. I think we should appreciate that while we have it. My last months I won't able to be at work or even exist properly. I can now." I say and he sniffled, slowly nodding.