It's always been you

Fragile hearts

Silence echoing the deepest recess of the heart
Letters after letters laced with love and longing
Commemoration of a grand love long forgotten
Looking through them for eternity
Might be the fate subjected to the one that's left behind
Is it fair? What is fair?
Only dead soul could attest

~~~

Sam didn't know how long his eyes were closed as he enters a sleepless state. His head was exhausted and his body was tired. He turns around while he curls his body sideways. His eyes flutter open and meet the equally red ones of YU. The man must be watching his back all this time.

He didn't utter any words knowing that YU was trying his best to find what he wanted to tell him and he doesn't want to overtake his pace. YU's eyes blink once before he wets his lips. He raises his eyes to meet his again. "Dui bu qi... dui bu qi." His voice was hoarse and Sam's hands itched to take him into his embrace. "I went to my Oto-san and Okaa-san's grave. I know it is not the usual day I visit them... it is just I feel like it."

YU looks down at his fingers as he plays with the edge of the blanket. Sam knows he went there to release some pent-up feelings he couldn't say to him. "I... I know I should have told you." He gazes back at him, this time with unshed tears. "No... I should have open up about everything... it is just..." He paused, lips trembling and tears falling. "I couldn't... I don't want to add on your worries."

Sam will himself not to reach and wipe all the tears for he wanted YU to let it out. For him to know that it is not only Sam who's getting tired. A relationship takes two to function. And Sam would make sure YU is taken care of when he needs him to.

"I know it is fine to be weak. It is fine to lean on you for support. It is fine to cry and get tired. But Sam... I'm the one who chased after you with the promise of being tough enough to handle everything... but if I'm like this... if I'm this weak... how can I handle what's to come? How can I keep my word?" YU couldn't stop himself but to tremble in puddle of tears. This time Sam couldn't take it anymore so he pulls him in.

"I'm afraid, Sam... I'm afraid that I will end up failing you. I'm afraid I will end up failing myself."

Sam closed his eyes as he caresses YU's back that was dripping with sweat. "If I'm like this now... what if you are not here anymore to remind me what to do?" YU buried his face deeper on Sam's chest while his grip on his shirt tightens. "I don't want to forget you, Sam. I want to bring everything about you with me till the day I join you in the afterlife."

He gently soothes YU as he cradles both of them in silence. Sam understands that YU was deep in his depression again. He knows he was diagnosed with clinical depression 4 years before he met him. YU has told him he was already fine and all the medications stopped since they become together. Sam just didn't know what triggers this comeback.

He was sure it might be stress and pressure. He should have thought this instance will happen and shouldn't have made him go with him on that three months vacation. But those times spent there were too precious for both of them for him to regret that decision completely. But seeing YU like this was breaking his heart.

He kisses YU's damp hair and pulls him closer. "Failed me? Do you know that you are my life's greatest achievement? I thought it was Heartbeat... but I realized it was you all along. Your love had changed me into someone I couldn't even recognize when I look in the mirror. A positive change that wouldn't be possible without you."