A New Life

seventy.

"I am hopelessly in love with you, Danielle."

Abby's POV

Friday, April 17th

It has been exactly one week since the news of my emancipation. I can't lie, I was expecting to feel much more relieved than I actually do.

When I first got the phone call at the wrap party last week, I can't deny that I was excited and happy, but it hadn't fully hit me what was happening just yet. I figured it would soon enough, though.

But every day that passes, I feel myself getting more and more down. Disappointed in myself that I don't feel the relief of being independent, finally away from my mom and Rob. I don't even know how to fully express what it is exactly that I'm feeling. Guilt for not being as relieved and excited as Danielle is? Almost a hint of regret, which I hate to admit.

What if this was the wrong way to go about everything? Surely I could have survived with living in my house for another year and a half until I turned 18. I'm beginning to recognize some separation anxiety within myself with Danielle. I can't breath if I don't know exactly where she is or if I'm away from her for too long. I know this is mostly to do with how much time I've been spending with her. The weeks leading up to my emancipation I had been hardly spending any time at my own house, I was always here. And now I'm here permanently, which I can't imagine is going to help the separation anxiety.

Along with that, I've began to notice my typical anxiety bubbling up even more. I've lived with anxiety for years and have found my ways to cope with it, and learned even more ways to cope with it from Danielle, but the distraction of everything going on had taken my anxiety elsewhere.

The court hearing was anxiety-inducing, but that would be for anyone.

The not knowing if I would sign on for another season of Station 19 was anxiety-inducing, but again, it would be for anyone.

Now that we were on hiatus and everything regarding the emancipation was over, all the emotions that my brain hadn't been letting my body feel were beginning to come crashing down.

I had a panic attack last night, but I didn't tell Danielle about it. I stayed in my room and stuck it out. It was the first panic attack I've had in months.

Danielle has been telling me over and over again throughout the past few weeks how proud of me she is for how well I've been dealing with everything. At first I was proud of myself too, but now I'm realizing that I was just pushing away all the bad emotions temporarily. I don't want to disappoint her, but I can feel myself crumbling.

I hate myself for it...I should be the happiest I've ever been right now. I'm free from the horrors of my mom and Rob, I have an incredible job that most people my age couldn't even dream of having, and I have two amazing women who would move mountains for me.

Sitting in my room tonight, Friday night, I can feel myself breaking more than ever. I let my tears freely fall and soak in everything I'm feeling. I'm anxious about everything lately, and I'm reverting back to my old habits of ripping at the skin of my fingers and chewing the insides of my cheeks and lips aggressively. And I can't stop.

All I want right now is to fall apart in Danielle's arms, but I can't disappoint her. She's so happy with how much progress I've been making, and I don't want her to know that I'm falling apart and am feeling like how I did when I first met her.

I look over at the clock next to my bed and see that it's almost 11 p.m. I decide to let myself drift off to sleep now. I get underneath the covers and close my eyes, willing the anxious thoughts and the disappointment away, but nothing works. The tears continue to silently fall from my eyes, even with them closed tightly.