TRAITOR || P. PETTIGREW ✓

twenty two | i'm still standing

Christmas had come and gone.  There wasn't much of a celebration.  Thea and James were in no mood to celebrate their first Christmas without their parents, James and Sirius didn't want to celebrate without Regulus, and everyone else simply wasn't in the Christmas spirit because of the war.

It was becoming too much for 19 and 20 year olds to handle.  It always had been, but now especially. 

Thea laid beside Peter in bed, her body warm underneath her sheets.  Peter held her close and every once in a while littered her face with small kisses. 

Peter had been going on more and more missions lately.  He wasn't home as much as usual, and Thea could sometimes feel his absence even when he was here. 

But when he was there, both physically and mentally, it was amazing.  He was there, and he was beautiful and amazing and everything Thea ever wanted.  She felt so lucky to have him beside her during this war.

"Are we visiting James and Sirius today?" Peter asked as he placed a lingering kiss on Thea's neck.

"Hmm," she hummed.  "Yeah, that'd be nice.  Remus said he tried to get them out of the house yesterday and neither would leave."

Peter sighed.

"Maybe we should spend a few days there.  Get them up and moving in the mornings, maybe it'll help."

Thea smiled, "Yeah, that'd be good actually.  Pack a bag Pete, we're going on vacation."

Peter let out a genuine laugh, planting a kiss on Thea's lips before hopping out of bed.  Thea watched him for a moment before getting up. 

Peter wasn't built like the other boys.  He was shorter than them and had a softer stomach, but Thea couldn't get enough of him.  He was perfect.  Everything about him was perfect.  She could spend the entire day looking at him and discovering something new every time.

Finally Thea got out of bed.  She threw some stuff in a duffel bag, freshened up, and together she and Peter went to her home.

Remus and Sirius sat in the kitchen, chatting away over cups of tea.  Sirius looked better than he had the past few days... but he wasn't at his best.  Thea wondered if he - if any of them - would ever be at their best ever again. 

It was inevitable that the war would end eventually, but Thea couldn't help but wonder what would change afterwards.  She would still go to bed at night fearing for her family and friends.  She would still have nightmares of green flashes and screams from the people she loved.  Her trauma and her loved ones trauma would stay... so how much would really change?

Sirius nodded toward upstairs.  Thea sighed.  She left behind the three boys and trudged upstairs to find James on the floor of his room.  He stared up toward his ceiling with his limbs sprawled out around him.

Thea didn't say anything.  Instead, she laid beside him and stared up at the ceiling too.  After a few minutes of comfortable silence, James reached his hand out and grabbed a hold of hers.  Thea glanced over and saw the tears that had rolled down his cheeks.

"When will it get better?" James asked.

Thea squeezed his hand, "Honestly? Not for a long, long time.  But after a few years, maybe it'll be better."

"I want the pain to go away."

"With time it will."

"Fully? I want to feel like how I used to feel.  I hate this - I hate this feeling of emptiness.  I can't do it anymore, T."

Thea took a moment to contemplate.

"I don't know if it will ever fully go away, and I don't know if we'll ever feel how we used to.  We've seen too much, we've dealt with too much.  But we have to get through it, together, James.  We're almost there."

James broke down, and Thea moved over toward him and held him like she did the days after their parents died.  She fought her tears back and tried to stay strong for her brother who couldn't. 

Sirius, Remus and Peter eventually peaked into the room.  They stayed silent as they took seats around Thea and James.  At some point, Peter got up and put on James' old Elton John record.

James looked up and, for the first time Thea saw that day, smiled.  He let out a weak laugh and wiped his tears from his eyes as I'm Still Standing began to play from his record player.

"How ironic." Sirius said, which only made James laugh harder.

If Thea closed her eyes and thought hard enough, she could almost picture herself back at Hogwarts in the boys' dormitory.  Sitting on the floor - or Pete's bed - listening to whatever the boys had on and laughing with them.

It felt like forever ago.

Thea glanced over to Peter and gave him an appreciative smile.  He always knew what to do in moments like these.  She wondered what on earth she would ever do without him - the man whom she loved dearly and trusted with her life.