Extinction (Hange x reader)

I hate you

A/N: hi! Thanks for giving this a shot! Please view the warnings before reading! And another reminder that there might be spoilers!! (I am not sure if there will be any but I will warn you all in advance if I add some in a chapter!) This will probably be a slow-burn! But don't worry, you will eventually have Hange's heart!

The rain fell gently against my skin, drenching my cloak. The white flowers I held in my hand had small water droplets running down their petals. The mud dirtying my boots as I arrived at my destination. It's been a while since I have been here. Imprinted in the cobblestone was the name of the man that raised me, I kneel and gently place the white flowers next to it.

A single tear leaves my eye, though I am not sure if it's a tear or a droplet of rain. They are not for him, my tears, I don't love him. I never did, he may have been my father, but how can you love someone that hates you so much? I cry out of hatred. Pure hatred. Yet a small part of me begs for me to forgive him, a small part of me asks me to let the past go. He wasn't the best father but he tried, didn't he? At least I like to think he did.

The graveyard is mostly empty, probably because it's raining, so I sit comfortably next to his gravestone and stare at the dark sky. It should've been me, I should've died. Not him. Now Erwin hates me, the only person I ever loved hates me. More tears leave my eyes and they merge with the rain.

***
The mess hall is loud, as usual, too loud. Cadets chattering and laughing, having fun almost as if they were normal kids, like they haven't lost thousands of friends. Levi nudges me with his elbow and quietly addresses me, "you okay, Smith?" He asks and I hum in affirmation, too scared to speak. Too scared of my voice cracking. "You sure?" He questions again and I smile at him gently before continuing to eat my now cold soup.

I excuse myself from the table and start standing up, the sharp sound of thunder startles me and I accidentally my knife. As I was about to pick it up my hand met another cold one and I look up to see those hazle eyes I have grown to love. They hand me the knife back and I smile, silently thanking them. I have to stop feeling like this towards them, Erwin already warned me.

Speaking of the devil, before I leave he speaks to me, the first time he has addressed me in weeks, "(Y/N), I need you on my office at 10pm, in 2 hours," I nod before excusing myself once again and heading outside.

***
I gently knock on the familiar wooden door, a small, golden, plaque with my brothers name in cursive adornes the otherwise plain door. "Come in," he says softly and I turn the knob softly, almost scared. I walk forward and stand in front of him, he looks up from his paperwork and gestures for me to sit.

"What is it?" I asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence. He sighs and closes the folder where he carries his paperwork. "(Y/N), I need you to stop visiting father's grave," he says and I hum approvingly. I don't care why, but I am grateful I don't have to go anymore. The only reason I went was out of pity. "You won't ask why?" He questions after a few moments. When I don't reply he continues, "so I was right, you didn't even love him," I can see the anger in his eyes and suddenly those once soft eyes remind me of my fathers. The same father that abused me behind his back.

"I- I did but-" "BUT WHAT (Y/N)!" He interrupts standing up from his chair and slamming his hands against the desk. I feel my hands start to shake and the familiar feeling of fear settles in my chest. "You killed him," he whispers and I feel pity and anger towards the man in front of me. "I didn't," I choke out.

"YOU DID, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE YOU! (Y/N) I FUCKING, I FUCKING HATE YOU. And I KNOW, wherever she is, she hates you too," he says, referring to my mother and I feel the tears now run freely through my cheeks as I make a move to stand up and leave but before I can even move he slaps me across the face and I am left with a stinging feeling on my cheek. His eyes go wide and he stares at his hand in disbelief, "I- I didn't mean to," he whispers. He looks so much like the man that has abused me and I become nervous very quickly.

I didn't think Erwin would ever hurt me, not like my father did. I feel my legs and hands start to tremble as I try to speak but I can't my throat is dry and my vision is blurry, between the blurred lines I see my father, not Erwin. He is somebody else now. He is not the soft, kind Erwin I used to know, the one I used to love, the protective older brother I had is nothing but a monster in my eyes now.

I stumble with the knob as I exit his office trying to run away but my legs are shaking and I can't breathe. I crawl towards a wall and I lean against it, trying to breathe as I choke down sobs.

I hear a soft gasp and gentle steps running towards me as gentle, warm, calloused hands hold my own, I look up to see a pair of worried hazle eyes staring down at me.