A Devoted Heart (Attack on Titan // LeviHan) - Part 2

Homecoming

Not for the first time that night Zoë punched the bundle of clothes that served as her pillow into shape, then turned on her back, fidgeting with the blanket until it covered her again from neck to toes. Something pointy poked into her butt, making it impossible to fall asleep. With an aggravated sigh, she turned to the right... Where something else poked into her hip. So she turned to the left... and winced. There was a sore spot on her ribcage, a bruise from when she had walked into a protruding branch in the forest while woolgathering.

This clearly wasn't going to work.

"Gah!" she exclaimed and sat up. Too fast... a sharp pain shot into her injured eye, sending her head spinning out of control. She swallowed down a whimper and reached up to massage her tense neck.

It was so dark in the tent, she could see zilch. It was like she had been dumped into a hole, which didn't exactly help with the dizziness. Zoë sat there with her head in her hands, breathing in and out deeply and slowly, waiting for her head to stop pounding and the world she couldn't even see to stop spinning. But if she had to have a headache attack then please now, in the night, and not tomorrow when she had to sit on her horse again.

She felt fucking miserable.

Levi had not returned yet and she was pretty sure it was because of her. Why was physical intimacy with him so easy and everything else so hard? Grimacing ruefully, she recalled the strange look on his face when she had brought up that ridiculous sham marriage of theirs. She had expected him to rejoice. Nothing that had happened five years ago should be used to tie him down - or her for that matter. But he hadn't looked relieved at all. He looked hurt, rejected. She had already given herself to him, body, heart and soul - what more could he possibly want?

Her misery surged. She was going to be sick.

Zoë fumbled with the tent flaps and crawled outside. The night air was stifling and humid, the natural sounds of the forest dimmed by the ruckus in her ears. She flung herself into the bushes behind her tent and threw up the contents of her stomach until only bile remained.

Once the retching stopped, she let herself fall back onto the forest floor, with a head that still throbbed painfully. She wasn't fit to be the Commander like this, she better accept that now and not when it was too late. She'd have to appoint someone else, as soon as possible... Who else but Levi? He was the only one left, the only one who could take over. He didn't want to have command, she knew that, not least because he still didn't trust himself, courtesy of her father. So she'd have to convince him to do it, to appeal to his protective instincts. Easy. She could be very convincing if she wanted to be.

Not easy. Who am I trying to fool?

Levi was about the stubbornest human being she knew. He didn't give a fartling for rules, propriety, authority, or law, he did exactly and only what he wanted. An inner compass, an inner demon, keen instinct... Whatever it was that drove him, it served him well because in all the years she had known Levi, he had not once been indecisive.

And why do I not do whatever I want?

She felt she had to consider the consequences of her actions more than ever. She was the 14th, and thirteen before her had paved the way for her to stand where she now stood. She felt she had to follow in their footsteps, be just as great as them... or greater.

Who says so?

Who indeed. Would she be as free as Levi when she passed the burden of Command to him? Would he change as a consequence? That thought made her laugh. No. Not Levi. It would be horrifyingly exciting to watch him stomp over everything and give a proverbial fuck about it. She would watch him with pleasure... from the sidelines.