A Devoted Heart (Attack on Titan // LeviHan) - Part 2

A Future Nightmare

After a decisive point in his life, all of Levi's dreams became similar. So similar they were basically a single recurring dream. To be more precise - one horrific nightmare.

In all of them, he was humanity's strongest soldier yet could do nothing to prevent the end of the world. After a brave but pointless fight, humanity behind the Walls was annihilated. As a consequence, mindless, gigantic Titans shuffled across the earth until all humans, all animals, all trees, bushes, and plants were pulverized, until every city, every dwelling was flattened, until all the mountains had crumbled and the air was too thick with toxic dust to breathe. When it was over, the Titans went up in smoke and Levi was the only survivor in a barren, infinite wasteland, unable to live and unable to die, a lonely ghost who was forever haunting the great nothingness.

Yes, there were variations: Sometimes, he slew Titans until his body was covered with blood and gore and his arms shook with exertion. Sometimes, he killed human beings, some who deserved it, some who didn't. Sometimes, the Walls didn't fall right away but first grew bigger and bigger until all the light was gone. Sometimes, Erwin was there, charging ahead on his white horse, laughing madly before he was ripped to pieces by a catapulted rock. Sometimes, his dead comrades fought side by side with him for a few moments, their features rotted away so that only a bit of flesh remained on their grinning skulls.

In the great scheme of things, these variations were irrelevant. Whatever the details, in the end, all the dreams were equally desolate and horrible. But even so, some stood out. Because they were even worse.

Those were the ones in which Hanji sacrificed herself to buy Levi and a bunch of other desperate survivors some time and was vaporized by the army of advancing Titans. In his dreams, he knew her selfless bravery was pointless because the end stayed the same whatever they chose to do, everything and everyone was going to die - but Hanji never listened to him, however much he begged her to stay. She said "I want to look as cool as I possibly can right now so just let me go" after saying "It's finally here, you know - it's my turn" and he, stricken by grief and despair, answered with: "Dedicate your heart", letting her go to her death instead of chaining her up somewhere to prevent it.

Why not me, why not me, why you? He should have shouted at her. What gives you the right to leave me like this? Stop! I never told you how much I need you, I cannot live without you, it will gut me, destroy me, please let me die instead of you, please!

But he never said it and then agonized over his silence for all eternity. He let her go with only one last fleeting touch, a fist to a chest... Like that could even begin to convey what he truly felt. It was called being noble. Honoring her last wish. Fuck. Who had come up with this shit?

It was a blessing that his strong self-protective instincts made him never quite remember his nightmares after waking - because they would have driven him mad. In addition, because he was human and it couldn't be helped that he had to sleep occasionally, a subconscious part of him always fought hard to wake up quickly so he wouldn't have to dream it to the end.

That night at the Hange estate after his rather abysmal performance in bed with Hanji, Levi found himself unusually tired. He didn't quite understand why his head felt like somebody had given his brain a vicious shaking, he just knew it was much harder than normal to keep his eyes open. He actually planned to wait for Hanji to come back to bed, he wanted to hold her close, skin against skin, and breathe in her scent. He wanted to hear her fall asleep and make little silly noises. Did she snore? He strongly suspected she did and was almost certain it would be adorable and annoying at the same time. But most of all, he wanted her to wake up at night, be a little confused to find him there, then make passionate love to him when her desire stirred at the tell-tale sign of his.