Creation date: 6/8/2021
Today I've been thinking... I think I did something to destiny because it got her selectively picking.
I've been looking at my sister, she eats and eats yet she's getting skinnier. I breath and go outside and I'm already looking a little more fat.
I never cared for how I looked in the past, now I am mortified to look bad. My entire life eating just barely to survive, sometimes just drinking juice thinking "if I starve maybe I won't look as bad"
My whole life it's been around and about that, being more on the heavy side. I can't seem to remember the first family conversation that wasn't about it, thinking I couldn't understand what they were talking.
I feel like crying even when someone's watching, not like they care so maybe I'll try it. I cry in front of my mother and this goes unnoticed, I whisper something back and I get slapped.
So I just stay in my room, not caring for whatever is happening. I just wanna be alone and lonely happy. But loneliness is sometimes scary and my mind creates stories of heroes who've fought for glory.
I loose myself to the memories of times where I felt the need to laugh at my own family's stupid lies. Now I cry at their hypocrisy, when they tell me you look fantastic while also calling me names you can only imagine.
They are not that bad, they are the people I grew up with and man, do I miss the days where I would be sad if they died. Now I hope that if they crash, they don't survive. Because they tear me apart pretending to be on my side.
Now my self esteem is in the past, blurred along with the happy me who would always laugh. Now her laugh is kinda forced, broken from all the times she was told to stop.
Now her laugh, smile and voice are a constant reminder of how she wishes she was never born. She's got the feeling that she's off.
She has the feeling that her mold had been broke. Because while everyone in her family was out and getting along, she sat in a corner thinking it was better than being ignored.
Because her voice was ignored like it was an alarm clock, just being listened to because you were getting annoyed. So she always thought about what she knows, but never voiced it because "oh, I forgot"
Now she goes up the stairs, with some headphones on her head. She holds her breath while she takes each step, going up three floors while feeling people's stares.
And it isn't that people are staring, she was just taught that her family was present. That's why she would run up the stairs, knowing that her family would call her names for her "lazy self"
She looks at the ground while walking down the hall wanting the day to already be done for. She desperately misses the quietness of her bedroom, the warm feeling of being alone in your own room.
She still however push through it because she knows that life isn't over still. She wishes it was but at the same time she's scared of what happens after all.
Because she's developed xenophobia but not directed to people's skin, but what they think. She's scared of what she can't see, feel or hear because that fills her uncertainty.
She's scared of swimming in the ocean, and scared of being outside. She's scared of the unknown and from the death knows no one. But for now she's mostly scared of people's thoughts.
Because only they know what their mind is on and she's afraid that she might be the subject selected for. But she knows that she can't know because they have their head and she has hers.
That's why she feels people stare and it is because her mind is a mess. That's why she got lost while having a panic attack and that's why she can't look at her father's eyes.
Because she knows that she can't read his thoughts and so she just assumes the worst. So she'll stay alone.
~Word count: 706~
