Beyond The Screen (J.JK x M.SN)

After Midnight

(JK POV)

I yawned as we all filed into the practice room. I was exhausted compared to the guys.

"Jungkook, why are you so tired? I thought you went to bed early last night." Namjoon says.

"He didn't go to bed early." Jimin joins in, "He stayed up on his phone all night."

"Again, Jungkook?"

"Why are you all lecturing me? I'm fine." I say.

So what I stayed up really late?

It's not like I was late to work.

I just stayed up late talking to Sana. Since we're in different time zones, it's hard for us to get in touch at reasonable times for both of us. I would rather stay up late for her than have her stay up late for me. She worries that I don't get enough sleep, but I'm okay. It's just a few hours of sleep.

I go to sleep right after I get off of the phone with Sana so it helps me with my nightmares. They happen less often now. When they do happen though, I lose even more sleep.

The bad dreams of the car accident didn't scare me as much anymore. I thought, maybe I would get over this fear and the dreams would stop, but they didn't. They changed. They changed into something I feared again. They weren't about the accident anymore.

In my latest one, I was alone somewhere. I was alone waiting for Sana to arrive, but she never did. Something bad had happened to her. I didn't see what it was, but it made my chest ache. I stayed awake that night trying to figure out what happened to Sana in that dream and why it made me so upset.

I'm trying to fight the voices in my head. I know the dreams aren't real, but the fear is. I'm just scared of losing her.

Late at night, when everyone else is asleep, I write in the notes app on my phone. I write as if I'm texting Sana. I write down everything I want to tell her. I don't actually want to text her though because sometimes the topics are intense and I don't want to wake her up if she's sleeping too.

I don't want her to feel pressured by my needs. I don't tell her about these things because I don't want her to think that I rely on her to be happy all of the time.

All of this revolves around her.

But she doesn't need to know that.

I don't need to dump my problems onto her. That's the last thing I want to do.

I've been trying to wean myself off of depending on talking to her every night she was gone to get rid of the nightmares.

One day, I told her beforehand that I wouldn't be allowed to use my phone for a while and I left it alone for a whole day. A whole twenty-four hours. No communication with her for a day. I felt like I was punishing myself, but at the same time I told myself it was for my own good.

Work kept my mind off of things, but trying to fall asleep at night was the hardest part. My mind wouldn't give me a break. I laid awake in bed for hours until I finally started to get somewhat sleepy. I waited for that sleepy feeling to just take over me, but it never came. I just laid there, tired, but couldn't sleep.

I stopped trying to fight it and I went outside to my balcony. The city wasn't exactly silent at night. The white noise and the cool breeze were kind of soothing to me.

I sat out on the balcony, watching the lights of the cars drive by and the people down below. I must've fallen asleep because when I woke up, the sun was out, my nose was running, and I had a terrible pain in my neck.

I seriously fell asleep outside. I must be crazy. When I got to work, I guess I looked like I had a rough night.

"Woah, what happened to you?" Yoongi asks me.

"What?" I yawn, "Do I look tired?"

"You look like you haven't slept in days." Namjoon says, "I thought you said your nightmares were getting better?"

I sigh, "They were, but I don't know what happened...I still have trouble sleeping."

They really want to help me, but there's not much they can do. I've already tried it all. Even when I'm physically exhausted, my mind won't let me rest.

What am I supposed to do? I can't just keep living like this.

It was a new day so I allowed myself to use my phone again. The first thing I did was text Sana.

J.JK: good morning

J.JK: or whatever time it is over there

M.SN: it's pretty much still morning here

M.SN: good morning :)

M.SN: did you sleep alright?

J.JK: yeah, I got a few good hours in

J.JK: what about you?

M.SN: I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow

M.SN: I was so tired

M.SN: you really slept okay?

J.JK: yeah but I'm still pretty tired

J.JK: I don't think it matters how much sleep I get, I'll just always be tired

Eventually, we had to get back to work. I pushed through the rest of the day on whatever energy I had left.

Since I can't fall asleep easily, I usually hate the end of the day. Lately though, I've been more motivated to try to fall asleep. Every day that passes is another day closer to Sana coming home.

I didn't think it would be this hard.

I guess really loving someone comes with really needing them.