Followed Wants

086

Trigger Warning: Sensitive content below.

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[Katalina's POV]

January 11

I put my phone on the side table and my tears are continuously rolling down on my cheek. Tila ba'y namamanhid na ako sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman.

Who wouldn't hurt? If you knew that you're an unwanted child?

I heard multiple sounds from my phone, maybe somebody chatted me but I didn't look at it and remained sitting on the bed.

"P-please, stop hurting..." I whispered and touched my aching chest. Gustong-gusto kong sumigaw pero hindi ko na kaya, wala na akong lakas.

I heard my dog, Lia, barked. She's on the floor, at the side of the bed and trying to go to me but she can't because she's small.

"L-lia... Y-your Mommy is hurting... M-my heart hurt so bad..." My voice shook and she barked again.

I sighed hard. Thoughts and some voices began to poison my mind again. Pinipigilan ko namang hindi isipin 'yon pero ayaw tumigil.

I buried my face on my knees and closed my eyes tightly, hindi na lang ang puso ko ang masakit, pati na rin ang isip ko.

Why don't these thoughts just stop? Lalo lamang nitong pinapalala ang sakit, parang 'di ko na kinakaya at gusto na lamang tapusin 'to.

What if... I really just end this?

My mother hates me-- or hated me and has been suffering all these years because of me and my father seems like to forget me.

So why exist, right?

I stood from the bed and went to the study table here, searching for sharp things.

Nagkagulo ang mga gamit dahil sa pagmamadali kong paghahanap at nang makakita ang cutter ay mahigpit na kinuha ko ito.

I chuckled softly while staring at the cutter. Kahit ano palang pigil ko sa sarili ko na hindi gawin ito, matutuloy pa rin pala, makakagawa pa rin ako ng kasalanan.

But who cares? I'm alive because of sin so I will end this with another sin. No one wants me from the very beginning anyway.

I sat on the floor and slowly lifted the sharp part of the cutter. I heard nothing but the loud thumping of my heart.

Itinaas ko ang nanginginig na kamay at nilapit ang cutter sa pulso. Naramdaman ko ang tulis nito at nagkaroon ng maliit na sugat pero parang wala lang kaya idiniin ko pa.

I don't know what happens next but the cutter was now gone on my hand, tumalsik sa kung saan.

I felt something on my thighs and heard a bark. Natauhan ako at unti-unting naramdaman ang sugat, tiningnan ko iyon at nakitang mababaw lang pero may kaunting dugo na lumabas do'n.

W-what...

I blinked and started crying again, realizing what did I do. I was not in my right mind, fuck.

I heard Lia bark again. "L-lia..." I held her with my uninjured wrist, she's the one who pushed the cutter away from me, the one who saved me.

"I-I'm sorry... Gosh... W-what did I do... I-I'm sorry..." I don't know how many sorrys did I said but I'm really sorry for doing that thing, I feel bad for doing it.

It's scary... If she didn't stop me, maybe I'm now gone and I know that there are people who will worry.

They will be hurt, for sure. They said that they love me. My mother said that she slowly loving me, my father said he truly loves me even if I'm not his true daughter, he treats me like his', and I have friends that love me.

Hurting myself means hurting them too.

"T-thank you Lia for saving me..."

I stood from the floor and left Lia there. May narinig akong mga katok mula sa pintuan pero kailangan ko munang linisin ang sugat kaya hindi ko pinansin at pumunta sa CR.

While cleaning the cut, I heard Charra and Daphne. Sa sobrang pagaalala nila sa akin ay nasira siguro nila 'yung knob because I locked the door.

"Katalina!" The two shouted when they saw me washing the cut. I hide my hand on my back.

"H-hi..." I greeted them. They went to me and Daphne quickly held my injured wrist. Shit.

"B-bakit..." They started crying upon realizing what did I do.

"I-I'm so sorry..."

"K-kung hindi mo na talaga kaya... N-nandito naman kami ah... K-kahit ano pa yan... M-makikinig kami... K-kasi kaibigan ka namin Katalina... M-mahalaga ka sa 'min... M-mahal ka namin, o-okay? A-ayos lang masaktan pero... H-hindi susuko at... H-hindi 'yung..." Daphne said and I began crying too.

"I-I'm really sorry... I-I will not do it again... I-I'm so sorry..." I shook my head and hugged them both.

"K-kuha lang ako ng band-aid ha. Daphne, bantayan mo 'yan," Charra said and Daphne nodded at her.

"A-anong nangyari?" We heard a man's voice, from the phone? I think it's Priam.

I glanced at Daphne, as if asking. She said that Priam is also worried about me and my heart melts at that.

I took Daphne's phone. "Don't worry, I'm okay now. I will talk to you later, Thavy," I said and ended the call.

We went to the bed and my cut is now covered with band-aid.

The three of us watched funny videos and they really doing their best to make me feel light and happy.

They didn't leave me, minsan naman ay salitan sila, binabantayan ako, afraid that I might do it again, well, I'm afraid of myself too so I'm really thankful that they're here.