All There Is

12.Matt

About A Girl // Nirvana

"What is your goal with our time together?"

Tiffany, my new therapist, is sitting casually in an armchair across from me. Her office feels more like a living room. Plants, soothing light and soft music fill the space. There's a throw blanket on the couch next to me, for comfort she said. In case I need to wrap up in a blankie.

"I'm not sure how to answer that? Shouldn't you be telling me?"

Tiffany smiles. "This type of therapy isn't like that. I'm here to help you on the journey, not to lead you along. Let's start this way, what made you contact me?"

I called her office the day Jeff confronted me. She had an opening two days later, so here I am. He got Tiffany's information from his mom, without giving details. As far as anyone knows, I'm dealing with losing my dad. Not the entire relationship I had with him and how it is affecting the rest of my life.

"My dad died almost two months ago, and my life is complete shit now."

"Was it complete shit before?"

Her question makes me laugh. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to use the same wording."

"That's fine. I use your wording because it's your perspective."

"Ah, makes sense." I run a hand through my hair. It brings back memories of Hannah doing the same thing. "And to answer your question, not totally. Living with my dad had never been easy, or good. But being with Hannah was like starting a new life."

"Hannah is your girlfriend?"

"Yeah, but we broke up. Well, I broke up with her."

"Tell me about that. If she was like starting a new life, why would you break up with her?"

I suck in air. Hearing Tiffany put it that way is like a punch to the gut. "Because I was afraid I would ruin it."

"How?"

"My dad was hard on us, the entire family. About a year ago I realized I was acting the same way he did, treating my girlfriend at the time like she was worthless. I didn't want to end up like him, like my parents, so I took a long look at my life and made some changes. I pulled away from some friends, found better ones. Then I met Hannah and she busted my balls."

"In what way?"

"She questioned me. She didn't let me slip back into bad habits or to be fake with her."

"Sounds like she helped you move past some patterns that had been engrained in you."

I nod. "She did."

"And how did you feel about her. Before things started to change?"

"I loved her. I still do."

"Okay. Tell me what led to the break-up."

"When my dad died, I found myself slipping. Having thoughts about my family, and then voicing those thoughts. Destructive ones. I've said some things I regret. Cruel. I don't want to do that to Hannah. Ever."

"Can you give me an example of one of these thoughts?"

"My mom couldn't make a decision about my dad's coffin. She went back and forth between a really expensive one and the one we could afford because she didn't want him in a cheap coffin." I lean forward, disgusted with myself for how that afternoon went down. "I called her blind and stupid because she was forgetting what an asshole he was."

Tiffany nods and writes something on her notepad. "You were both grieving and perhaps for your mom, remembering the happy times with your dad is helping her. She just lost a big part of her identity, no matter how healthy or happy it had been."