All There Is

13.Hannah

Run To You // Bryan Adams

I make it up the stairs and into my dorm room before I let the tears fall. I don't want to think about it.

I want Matt.

"Did the douche canoe grovel?" Morgan is sitting on her bed with notes spread around her. She's the most disorganized student I've ever met.

"Basically."

"How'd he take the news?"

When I turn my focus away from her, remembering all of the things he said about being a father, Morgan gets the wrong idea.

"You did tell him, didn't you?" Her voice is sharp.

I shake my head. "He already knew."

"Oh my gosh! Did he beg you to get rid of it?"

My jaw drops. "No! Why would you think that?"

Morgan shrugs. "He looked desperate to find you. When I told him you'd gone to your parents' house, he looked like he was gonna be sick."

"He was actually really supportive." I refrain from mentioning therapy to her. That's not mine to share. But it is a huge step.

"I guess that's good. I don't know how you could ever trust him again. You should make him work for it."

Again, I don't want to hold Matt off. My heart wants to take the leap. It's the voices in my head holding me back. Voices like Morgan's. I worry what people will think if I blindly run back into his arms. I shouldn't worry about that, but I do.

"It's not about punishing him. There's more at stake than my pride." I say it out loud to convince myself as much as Morgan.

"That's true. But you also have to make sure he doesn't do this again."

Her words hit me like a blow. This entire time I've been worried about him, how he's coping and if he'll ever get passed his grieving. Not once did I worry about him coming back to me just to pull away again.

But now I am.

"Crap." My stomach lurches. The morning slash all day sickness rears its ugly head in time to my anxiety.

"Here." Morgan shoves the trash can over to me. "I'm going for a coffee. If you need me, I'll be at the cafe. And if I see Matt-"

"You'll do nothing. Leave him alone, Morgan."

Her hands fly up in surrender. "Fine. I'll be good. But the second he makes the wrong move, the gloves are coming off. Metaphorically. I wouldn't hit him. Well, maybe just a little. I have been known to make grown men cry with a single look."

"My gosh, Morgan."

"Okay, okay. I'm going." She waves me off and steps out the door, leaving a giant mess of notes and textbooks on her bed.

I put the trash can down and crawl onto my bed. My good intentions to study have vaporized. My brain is locked on my life, not lectures about muscles or joints for anatomy. I bury my head in my pillow and moan.

"Why?" That word could lead me down so many paths. It's the million-dollar question.

Why did Matt's dad have to die?

Why was he so terrible to his family?

Why couldn't Matt have held onto me when he was hurting?

Why do I still love him so much?

At least I know the answer to the last one. I've told him exactly why I love him and none of those reasons have changed even if he did shove me right out of his life. What other guy would willingly go through what he has just to be a better man? And who actually worries about messing things up the way he did? Guys don't tend to try as hard as he did, at least none of the guys I'd dated before cared like that. The guys I know have been all about themselves and their happiness. As long as being with someone was beneficial to them, they'd stick it out. But the second any stress or problems showed up...gone.