The Partial Affection

Chapter 1

"It's probably for the best." I tell myself as my anxiety kicks my stomach. I couldn't sleep last night. I tried to watch some web series, go over my phone and, at last I read a book which did calm me down, a bit. Today is my first day of college, and I'm more than nervous. I don't know for which reason I'm nervous though.

I always wanted to be an Engineer, even though I was an average student. I am from a wealthy but conservative Bengali family. We moved from Kolkata to Mumbai when I passed 8th standard and my brother passed 12th , 4 years ago. My brother was always good at studies, and he cracked JEE Advanced and got chance in IIT Bombay. That's why we moved. My parents couldn't let him live alone. Well, as I said, conservative and also, strict family.

But they are not as strict to him as me. Well, I'm the girl. It's not like they never let me live, but I can feel it. I never got the kind of support he did, but I'm happy for him. I'm only close to my brother in my family. My parents always got me everything I wanted, as long as it didn't include going outside without them and something which is beyond feminine things. They always want me to be the Sanskaari Bengali girl, and to be honest, which I'm not.

I could crack JEE Main but they didn't want me to be an Engineer as their SON is already making their names shine in front of the world. So I studied myself and as usual, didn't crack it. They wanted me to do English major or something. They just wanted me to complete graduation and then marry a wealthy, Bramhin guy at his 30s, by the time I turned 21. For the first time, I wanted something from them I really needed, but they didn't want to give it to me, until my brother saved me. He requested them to let me complete my graduation from a private engineering college, and they couldn't deny their Raja Beta's request. So here I am, getting anxious over things on my first day of college. Oh, forgot to mention. They still don't want me to have a job, they want me to marry after my graduation, as they told me last night. And I think they will start searching for boys from now on. So I don't know, why I'm anxious.

Suddenly I hear my phone vibrate. Maybe it's a text from Shreya, my friend from Kolkata, and maybe, my only friend, as after I moved here, I lost contact with my other friends from there and I became more quite and didn't make much friends here. But I see it's my brother. Why's he texting me from his room? Oh, it's 6:30. Normally, I don't wake up in this time.

*Hey. You awake?*

*Yeah, what's up?*

*I knew you are awake. Wanted to check up on you.*

He's the only person in my family who cares about my feelings, to be honest.

*Yeah, um, didn't sleep last night.*

*Want me to come over?*

He always gets me. This is what I wanted.

*Yeah, sure!*

And I get out of my bed, unlock the door and splash some water on my face. I look terrible, I rarely had an hour of sleep.

He came in and looked at me. "You look terrible!" He uttered. "Yeah, I didn't know that." Both of us smiled. I feel a bit relieved.

"You've been reading all night?"

"Uh no."

"Overthinking?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I had a weird dream which broke my sleep." He tells, quite embarrassed.

"What was it? A nightmare?" I felt concerned.

"Uh, kind of. I saw you marrying a old guy around 60."

And I gasped. What? 60? Seriously?

And he burst into laughter. After seeing him laugh, a smile appeared on my face, but I felt weird.

"I really saw it you know." He speaks, pulling himself together. "I felt terrible after Baba announced about your marriage thing yesterday. I never expected it. I mean, seriously?"

He sounds frustrated. "Well, it's supposed to happen, I mean what can I do." I sound like I don't care, and maybe I really don't.

"It's not fair. You are supposed to live your life. You are supposed to find a boyfriend in college and have a beautiful relationship and then marry. Not some arranged marriage to some old guy!"

He sounded really angry. Well he is supposed to. I am supposed to! But I don't know why I don't feel angry. "We are not allowed to date, remember?" As my father made it really clear when we were young, we are from a civilized family, we don't date.

"They can't control who we love! Who is going to tell them? They never got to know about me and-" And he stopped, covered his mouth with his hand. Wait, what?

"You and who?" I demanded. He's been dating someone and he never told me?

"Well, there's a girl, in college. Her name's Ayesha. We've been dating for seven month." His face becomes red. How is that he never mentioned her to me?

"And you didn't tell me this? Why?" I am really hurt.

"I thought you wouldn't like it. I never got to know your thoughts about this whole dating thing."

He's right though. I've never been interested in dating. More specifically, I've never been interested in someone, and that sometimes scare me. It's not like I don't feel anything because my parents forbade me. I want love, even if that will be the old guy they'll set me up with or someone my age.

"Well, how did you think that? I am definitely going to support you!"

And I see his face lit up. "Seriously?" He asks like a baby.

"Yes!" I feel really happy for him.

"Thank you, Mishti. I never felt so relieved before." I love seeing him happy. He is always in so much academic pressure as my parents and everyone, even relatives from far, far away expects so much from him. I wanted to ask him about what is he going to do about this, how is he going to tell Ma, but I didn't want to low his mood, so I didn't ask.

After a few seconds, he tells me. "Why don't you date? Is it because Ma, Baba don't want you to?"

I never really thought about it. But it's not because Ma-Baba. They told us never to touch smoke or alcohol, but still I smoked once. Its not like they have control over me when I'm in school or tuition OR college.

"No it's not that. It's- Well, I have never felt attracted to anyone."

And I see his eyes getting wide. "Don't lie!" "I'm not!"

"So you're telling me you've never had a crush before! And I have to believe it?"

"Well, yeah. That's the truth." Now as I think about it, it's kind of unbelievable.

I have heard many of my school and tuition friends having crushes, talking about boyfriends/girlfriends, but as I never felt interested in someone, I didn't think about it. Is it really weird that a 17 year old girl never had a crush?

"Then I am telling you, you should." He tells me confidently.

"But what if I fall in love? I will never have to live with him or marry him." Yeah, I don't want to fall in love with someone I can't be with.

"They don't get to choose your future, you do. I have decided that is they this relationship of me and Ayesha works out, then it doesn't matter if they accept it or not, I'll choose what I want. I've had enough of my parents' control over me."

"But, Dada-"

And I hear a knock on my door. "Mishti, have you woken up beta?" Shit. It's my mother. She can't see me like this. If she gets to know that I didn't sleep last night, she's going be furious.

"Yes Ma!" I reply her. My brother is standing there, silent, as he knows if she gets to know that we were talking instead of sleeping, she's going to scold us. We are not allowed to wake up before 7 AM at college days.

"Then get ready and come out! Breakfast in 30 minutes!" And I hear her footsteps fading. Thank god!

"Go get ready. I'll also go. All the best, monkey!"

And both of us wave our hands to each other. He calls me Monkey in a affectionate way, so I don't mind.

I go in front of the mirror and cheer myself up. "You can do it, Miss Shruti Banerjee."