poems i write at 2 a.m. and decide to post

three

if i sit in this spot

close my eyes

and sink away

i can hear their laugh

burn their smile

right into my brain

i can see what could have been

if i hadn't been so stupid

if i weren't so stupid now

if only i could tell them

tell them what i think about their eyes

their laugh

without feeling apprehensive

like a coward.

it feels intense.

like i'm flying, but not.

like they hate me, but they don't

or at least

 i think they don't

i shiver as the air conditioning of the grey room

flows over me

and i think more

about a field

and a place for me

and a place i wish i could take them

but i know they don't care

i know they would never care

i've lost their affection before i could ever

earn it.

before i could speak it

before they knew.

and a time before they

ever spoke to me.

do they regret those days?

spent lazily in the same room?

hours upon hours spent

with just me.

it felt like that.

just me and them.

but it never was.

just me

and them. 

people surround.

it's terrifying

they breathe the air

the air that surrounds

and put thoughts in my head

and they drown

and stifle

but so is the way of the world

c'est la vie, as they say,

but does life really have to be 

as they say?

do they even see me as a person?

or just some idiot girl who falls in love too

easily?

would they see this and laugh at

me?

at what i feel?

probably.

but i love that.

and i can't stop,

even if they don't love

me.