Kannada Script Review Shop

122 | Pranjal | The River of Blood

Reviewer: papersxpen 

The River of Blood: TheCringyEarthling 

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(-CONTAINS SPOILERS-)

(some things might come of bland and straight leading to hurt certain emotions, if they do i apologize prior to that)

TITLE- 3/5

The title is only slightly relatable to the story. I would say you could opt for a title which would relate to the character's depression, his situation in a dark space or something like that. I would rather not suggest you titles here though.

COVER- 2/5

contents in the cover are nice per se, however I feel that they don't relate much with the title and the story. Probably seek help from a cover shop to attain what you wish for if you are unable to have it yourself. You could probably opt our community's cover shop if you find that appropriate.

BLURB- 2/5

blurb is short and plain. That cold be nice if you know how to keep it that way. However I feel your blurb discloses the entire story taking away the intriguing factor which blurbs have. Blurb is a means with which an author attracts readers and so it somewhere becomes crucial to have the right words for it. I would suggest to probably lengthen the blurb and try making it artistic, intriguing and overall attractive than keeping it bland and plain. Also, attractiveness also comes from simplicity too, so think appropriately.

GENRE- 3/5

I don't feel the genre "thriller" matches the story describing a boy surviving through depression. You could probably consider changing it. Neither does the second, additional story matches with the genre. Both are of completely different genre but thriller. So I would strongly recommend you to consider it.

ORIGINALITY- 6.5/10 

the story is pretty much an everyday story read by many readers on this platform and written by many authors. However if this was a beginning, this topic is considerably good in comparison with other ideas available for on-setter. 

DESCRIPTION- 8/10 

since the story idea already creates a picture of the atmosphere and the world there still could have been more description of characters and location and mood, despite it being a short story. There is enough information available for the reader to create their own world, that gives them this liberty, and that till an extent is nice in both of your stories.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT- 5/10 

there is not much evident character development and I believe it could surely do with a considerable amount of character development. There is not much of a connection of the character with the readers, neither of the sister nor of the protagonists. 

Sure you opted to write a short story and that is understandable that character development is tricky so what you could do here is pick out words fitting just perfect to aim the bull's eye. Also the pacing is too fast almost on the verge of not making sense. you could improve here by again opting for proper word choices for in dialogues and thoughts and also execution. Both of the stories made sense but there seemed few places where it didn't make much of it. The dialogues did sound a bit absurd and not fitting and hastily put together, the author's sister being so considerate and caring and releasing such sweet loving words all of a sudden didn't feel right, you got to build up for that, if you are getting what I mean...

PLOT- 7/10 

the plot was a logical one. A depressed boy, being mocked by everyone,wanting to disappear, attempting suicide. However it wasn't much deep to be able to feel the pain, the sorrow, and the urge to vanish. There were certain cases where it felt unrealistic and not-so-life-like. For example the mocking, there could have been better instances provided to make it feel real. Also the glares, they felt a bit unreal too, that was too much of hatred for a person almost making it fake.

In the bonus story, the punches felt unreal, like no ghost would do that rather they could do something more horrendous or gruesome or even anything but that.There are clearly attempts with what you want to put for but somewhere you are lacking something to almost achieve that. I believe you could try working upon your execution, develop your writing style, make a better choice of words and phrases and see if that could bring out any luck. 

The ending didn't quite please me either. Again the dialogues were the ones to upset. You could maybe try and imagine yourself in that situation and think of the conversation you would have. Also on a lighter note, it would have been slightly better if you would have written that she did something for his wounds, it was constantly bothering me.

GRAMMAR- 15/15 

the grammar was nice. I have nothing constructive to add here. 

STRUCTURE- 5/5 

the dialogues need working upon with what you put into them. Rather than making it seem like he's speaking the words out loud you could make it a conversation between him and his subconscious and that could make sense.

VOCABULARY- 5/5 

vocabulary is considerably good, and I feel you have enough knowledge of words to keep going for a while. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT- 5/10 

it was good story but could probably do with a lot of editing. to summarize it all- dialogues, pacing, writing style, word choice, and character enhancement. you surely can't do this alone, so I would suggest you use the aid of writing apps like grammarly and ProWritingAid. I hope I have answered all your questions in you form and you are satisfied enough. If anything pertains you could surely reach out; i'll be here on the other side. All the best for your future!