Kannada Script Review Shop

08 | Xan | While Her Lips Are Still Red

While Her Lips Are Still Red - Fayesther

Reviewer - Xanatos_Gambit 

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Title 5/5

I love the title; it fits with the poem in the blurb.

Cover ⅘

Haha I like the contrast between the demonic chick walking in the red dress and then the really happy one on the wall. The only thing I'd pick on is like the word "while" kinda gets absorbed into the background since the girl's dress is red too. I'd just change that to white for better contrast.

Blurb ⅘

Enticing blurb overall, I love the poetry stanzas. Did you write the poem? I'm merely curious.

I'd honestly just change up the last couple lines a bit, since you don't really say anything about the woman's story in any other part of the blurb. So either just leave it completely poetic and mysterious or add something else about her story.

Genre 5/5

Originality 9/10

It's kind of like a twisted Snow White / Evil Queen story but with ghosts and a way more disturbing plot. Fantastic.

Descriptions 9/10

I love your descriptions of what happened to her victims... I'm morbidly inclined like that.

Ah, I'd avoid the cliché way to describe your characters right off the bat: the mirror. I am guilty of this myself; I just mention it to other writers in my reviews to see if they can come up with another way to describe their characters. If not, then it's not terrible by any standards.

Character Development 8/10

Rosie starts off as a terrified girl, who never wants to age, and then throughout the plot (and with Henry's help), she changes into a much more likeable person.

I was confused on why she was so scared to age... Like did her parents die of old age when she was 13, or did they have diseases? And if they had diseases, did the lipstick protect against that too?

Plot 8/10

I absolutely love how this starts off in the poetry-like chapter. Wow, I'm impressed.

So does the tube refill after she kills someone? I think that's what it was, but I don't think it was described clearly.

I love the flashbacks, but at the same time, it's hard to differentiate when they're happening...

I got a little confused when Henry came back as a ghost (and so did her parents). I think this adds a really interesting element to the story, which I liked... but then there was no explanation of why she was able to see them. Was this because she was so old that she could see ghosts? Or was this just her conscience projecting? The latter was my theory most of the time, but then she actually died and met him in the afterlife in the end, so I abandoned that. There isn't a clear answer to that in your story.

And as a tidbit, as a reader, the whole time I was like "how old is she?!", since you didn't give like "x amount of years ago" in your flashbacks or anything. I'd just consider adding that in ;)

Grammar 12/15

You have run-on sentences in a couple places and then sometimes your use of commas is incorrect, but overall, your grammar isn't bad.

Structure 3/5

Sometimes, especially in the beginning of the chapters, you have a lot of very short sentences. This makes it sound choppy, like it doesn't quite flow. Like when you're describing her after she makes it back up to her room. The sentence that begins with "once" also doesn't make sense. I'd just take the once out honestly.
And then sometimes, your sentences are run-on a well. "...her mother cooed over her and the smile never left her aged lips for the rest of her days." That definitely is a run-on sentence, especially since it's after a quote, so I'd watch out for these.

You kind of jump back into her flashback without a real idea of why or a real division. I'd suggest using italics for her flashback so readers don't get confused (like I did at first).

I also don't get the last line of the first chapter. I mean, I think I get what you're trying to say, but I'd reword it for clarity.

Vocab 9/10

Your use of vocab is appropriate, and I especially liked the metaphors and similes as descriptive factors. This in combination with your descriptive vocabulary was great :)

Enjoyment 8/10

I was confused in parts, but overall I did enjoy the story! :)

Total 85/100