For five years, Spencer Reid has mourned the loss of the love of his life. Mourned Eliza, morned the future, morned himself. Morned a time when he felt something other than deep sorrow and loneliness.
For five years, Elizabeth Doyle has survived...
Again and again Spencer Reid counterd the pen tapping against the file sitting on Aaron Hotchner's leg. His face was stern as he watched Reid. Both men were silent, the room filled with tension. Both their faces were deadpan. Both had been silent for the past hour. They'd said a simple greeting when Reid had first entered the room but it had silence since then.
"I'm not going to talk about it," Reid said finally.
Hotch simply shrugged. "Talk about what?" There was nothing in his voice. Reid scowled, turning his head. "Look Reid, I've given you a month. Strauss needs a report."
"Okay so lie Hotch."
"I won't do that."
"Why not."
"Look Reid, you can lie to yourself. You can lie to Strauss. You can lie to the team all you want but please...don't lie to me," Hotch said. His voice was caring but Reid scoffed at the words. "If you lie to me, I can't help you up when this goes south."
"I don't need help."
"Yes, you do. You're shutting everyone out-"
"I'm grieving! Just let me fucking grieve Hotch!" shouted Reid.
"How about we make a deal," Hotch offered. Reid rolled his eyes in response. "I fabricate this report, and trust you'll come to me if you need someone to talk to when you stop using."
"I'm not using," snapped Reid.
"Look me in the eyes and say that Reid. I ignored it the first time because Gideon and Elle were gone, I'm not going to ignore it again."
"Hotch, I'm not using!" Reid insisted.
"So you need twenty minutes every time you go to the bathroom?" Reid looked away from Hotch. "I get it. I know what you're going through. I felt the same way when Hailey died-"
"Yeah, we caught Foyet. Doyle's still running around. You KNOW he'll never try and hurt you again! I don't! I lost her in an avoidable situation Hotch! We could have saved her, but she wouldn't let us! You don't get what I'm going through! No one does!" Reid shouted. He was trying to not cry, but his face was red and angry. "It just...it's unfair that she's gone. If we can't keep each other safe, why are we even doing any of this?" Reid asked quietly. Hotch didn't answer, just opened his mouth slightly. Reid looked away. "It's...sometimes I think maybe...maybe Gideon was right, you know, maybe...maybe it's just not worth it."
Reid got up from the couch, exiting the office as fast as he could. Hotch didn't say anything, nor did he make a move to stop the younger man. Reid would do what Reid needed to do. Nothing would stop him. It was no use trying.
