Poetry Written By Feelings

Somewhere in-between...

I am surrounded by people; I am not alone...
I talk to them; engage in discussions, conversations; share personal, even private information; sometimes I spill a secret. Therefore I would say: I am not alone!

But am I really not alone?

Differences in interest, hobbies, activities, sports, news topics make it hard to believe.

There isn't really this one particular group of friends I belong to, where I feel like I belong; there are many.
I switch in-between those depending on my mood, my current interest, level of social battery, free time.
To conclude: I am not alone, I'm surrounded by people!

But am I really not alone?

The fear of being left behind, of being left alone, comes in different forms and ways, shows up at different times and makes me think, makes me believe: I am alone!

I am alone because I'm somewhere in-between. Somewhere nobody else can reach, just me.

But it's not a pleasant feeling of being somewhere in-between:
It's cruel.

The fear leaves my mind wondering:
Wouldn't it have been better, if I spent time with the others?
Wouldn't it have been better, if I stayed home alone?
Wouldn't it have been better, if I didn't go?
Wouldn't it have been better if I kept my mouth shut?
Held my mind back?
Stopped thinking?
Ignored the feeling?
Stayed away from the others?
Wouldn't it have been better, if I wasn't even there? If I didn't even exist?

I'm not needed, they are better without me, converse better, work better together, get along way better, have more fun when I'm not there.
They could enjoy the presence of others more, enjoy the conversations, discussions, activities, interests; but with me there, it's sometimes harder, more difficult.
Because I often speak before I think, let my mouth loose, let my body move!

And it's just stupid, idiotic, annoying, embarrassing!
Just stupid, idiotic, annoying, embarrassing!
STUPID, IDIOTIC, ANNOYING, EMBARRASSING!
... It's just stupid, idiotic, annoying, embarrassing...

Before I can react, before I can think, the words have left my mouth, my body has moved and my mind has started overthinking... What if...

I'm alone, because I'm somewhere in-between, somewhere nobody else can reach, just me.

The fear leaves a hole in my heart.

Makes me question my love for my friends, the authenticity of my smile, my laugh, my feelings...

The fear leaves behind a unpleasant feeling of being somewhere in-between, somewhere nobody else can reach, just me...

The fear makes me overthink whether the world would be different, if I was different.
Makes me overthink whether the world would be better without me.
Without me, my shitty personality, my constant annoying being, my misleading existence.

Then I wouldn't have to lie into my closest friends face about my mind, my well-being, my faked feelings, my idiotic existence.

Just because I'm lost.

Lost somewhere in-between, somewhere nobody else can reach, just me...

Lost and alone somewhere out there...