broken wings

chapter 41 Ryder's truth

mentions of suicide I'll put a ⚠️ at the beginning and end, I have just put it on his entire past because it gets mentioned multiple times, I do would advise you to read it but I rather have you confused then death so love you <3

" ry ? " I asked after 5 minutes of him crying and hugging my legs while also begging me to not leave me, I was confused as to why he even thought that. do I want to leave right at this moment? yes because I cant have him know the truth and he saw to much but, I don't want to leave forever since I developed feelings for him I have never felt before. feelings I didn't even know that were possible for me.

i am frightened about things that other people call normal, I get scared form affection or feelings, from tears but at the same time from laughing. my mental health is for sure not healthy but it is visible that even Ryders mental health could use some serious help. he is too scared to loose me, who would even be scared to loose me? I am nothing but a pathetic girl who gets used by men. I am disgusting and if he would know how many people felt me up he would be disgusted with me too.

I don't know rather he saw the words or he just saw the cuts and thought I did it to myself but either way he is going to question me and I have no clue how I will get myself out of this messed up mess.

I felt movement against my legs and looked down at the tear stained face of Ryder who is now wiping his tears from his face with his sweater sleeves. he pushed himself up by using the sink and stood up in front of me, making us now change place and have me look up at him instead at down at him. he looked me in the eyes still trying to stop he tears and put his hands on my waist slowly pushing me backwards, when I was at the place he wanted me to be he opened the cabinet where I was standing before a few seconds ago.

he reached into the cabinet and picked up a blue box with a medical cross in the middle. he put it on the sink and looked at me again, again putting his hands on my waist. but this time it wasn't to push me aside, this time it was to pick me up and place me on the sink next to the EHBO box.

I knew he wanted to take care of my arms but there would be no way that id left him have a close look of the arm where my father cut his fun words in, he may have seen it in a quick second but I don't know how fast this man can read, I don't know or he read it. I opened my mouth to protest against his offer to help but he put his finger against my mouth and whispered " lets stop with the secrets, I just had a break down in front of you "

as much as he kind off had a point it didn't mean that I was going to give him the point, yes he deserves the truth since he hasn't done anything to hurt me or make me not trust him but I am scared, scared of my own truth.

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" I'll go firs- "

" Ryder I can't tel- "

" my dad killed himself " he started making me shut my mouth at his bundles

" I remember being in my room as a 6 year old and I heard my dad call me down, so I did. right when i was in front of the door of his office I heard a hard sound and Stanley barking, he was just a few months old so his barks weren't that great but those were barks out of fear. "

" i had never heard him bark like that and it was frightening, when I bust open the door my dad was in his office chair and his back was towards me, I didn't realize he wasn't just being lazy and being half asleep in his chair, I didn't realize the gun or the blood until I was standing in front of him, him facing me, his dull eyes looking at the picture on the wall, the picture of his three sons and his wife, everyone smiling even him, the last thing he saw was that picture "

" he shot himself and he wanted me to find him, I don't even know why he wanted me to find him " tears running down his cheeks, he took a breath and continued.

" i was home alone with him that day but then I was home alone with my fathers death body, that messed me up you know? I mean I was six and I didn't even know how a phone worked. I walked up to him and started asking him if he was okay? I was in denial or I just really didn't know that he was death, the whole right side of his face was covered in blood pouring from the gunshot wound "

" I started shaking h-him but he didn't respond o-or moved. I ran out of the house and started yelling for our neighbor, she eventually came outside her house and I started yelling at her that ' daddy isn't moving ' and told her to " call the blue men from last week please ', she came inside and tried to keep herself together for my sake but it was visible that she knew that he wasn't going to be okay. she called the ambulance and he was pronounced death on the spot. "

" his death is the reason why my mum hates violence, not because she is scared she would lose us, I mean she is and that is probably one of the reasons but it isn't the main reason. "

" he left a letter for us and he explained in it that he did it of what happened the week before, the reason why I said that my neighbor should call the blue men from last week was because there was police at our house the week before. "

" my dad came home black and blue with ripped clothes, he was gang beat and raped, it doesn't happen often for men to be raped but it happened to him, and it was kind of my fault. "

" around 3 days before my dad came home like that me, my brothers and him where in the park, I had bumped into a stranger on accident and that caused the stranger to drop something into the water, he tried to search for it but couldn't find it and eventually faced me, but my dad had seen everything and was already next to me. he reassured the man that he would pay him back the next day, he didn't know what the man dropped and didn't think it could have been more as a thousand or something. "

" well drugs is quite expensive, I caused the man to drop 14K worth of drugs he was supposed to deal still. the man just nodded and said the sum of money and left, he also said to be at the local underground to give it to him 3 days later. "

" my dad only showed up with 5K, the man wasn't happy and he knew my dad wasn't going to be able to give it back before he even came so he told everyone in his gang, I don't know how many people did it to him but there were a lot. so he was r-raped and beat up when he came home. "

" my mum questioned him and he gave her the truth, she took care of him after she called the cops since she is a nurse, when the cops came they believed him until the rape part, because apparently men can't get raped. they didn't even give him a trail and he was devastated because of it, his happiness was fading and he didn't give me goodnight kisses anymore like he used to, I felt like he hated me, in the letter he told me he didn't but that he couldn't help but think that I did cause it to happen even tho he didn't want to think that way "

" he killed himself because he never had gotten his right in court and he felt disgusted with himself, he felt like he wasn't good enough because he couldn't stop them from touching him, he felt like he cheated on my mum. my mum doesn't think that way but he didn't know that. "

" it's the reason why Bellamy is a cop, to give people what they deserve, to give the people justice or jail time "

" thats why we hate violence, because even if it doesn't kill you on the spot it will kill you on the inside, and being killed on the inside causes you to die on the outside "

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