broken wings

chapter 50 I just forgot

i woke up Sunday on the couch, the couch I fell asleep on with Ryder, but he wasn't there. will this be a normal thing? for him to disappear every morning? he is the first guy I trust in the way I trust him. I cant even explain it and I hope it always stays like this, I don't know why he makes me feel safe and protected, cared and even so loved, it has always been a feeling where I had trouble with feeling from anyone, I never really knew how being loved felt, my mum did make me feel loved, her and Ryder are the only ones.

I got off of the couch with a little hiss , due to my injuries that were still there from Dante, my dad and now also Amy and David sleeping on the couch wasn't the best thing ever. I have always been a slow healing person, probably due to the lack off food and sleep I got, the burn on my arm still there, it do is better but still not great, the cuts all over my body, bruises littering my skin from under my sweater to my toes, it honestly isn't a good sight.

Julia was cleaning the kitchen when I walked in " good morning " I said to her, I mean she has done so much for me already, its the least I could do. " good morning sweetheart "

i ate my breakfast in peace with sometimes a cleaning sound from Julia but it didn't really bother me. after I was done eating I went upstairs and showered, brushed my teeth. I got myself ready for the day but only in comfy clothes because I wasn't leaving the house until Monday.

I decided to lay onto my bed and to just stare in space, some people may find that weird, but I didn't I mean it was a time I could just get my emotions in place and think about things. sometimes I hated doing this too, when there are bad emotions covering my ceiling instead of good ones but right now all I felt was peace because all I could see on my ceiling was Ryder, Ryder and the temporary good life that was given to me.

yes I know I said temporary, but I mean Wednesday will take this all away from me and I think we all know that. I don't have the courage to go against my father wishes, I don't think I ever will, I am made to obey him, and I hate it.

I pretty much spent my entire time until noon like this, I decided to go down for lunch but also because I wanted to see if Ryder was already home, I mean he probably isn't since I haven't seen him, and he would come and say hi to me. he always does.

" sweaty it will just be sandwiches for lunch, I didn't have time to make something " Julia said to me while I saw Cody eating his sandwich, he smiled at me and I smiled back as a sign of hello to each other.

" thats alright Julia " I said back to her and started making myself 2 sandwiches, and after that I went to sit down in front of Cody since that pretty much have become my seat. Julia left the kitchen saying she was going to do the garden now need that she didn't need any help. I guess it was clean up day today because that is all she has been doing the entire day.

" can I ask you something ? " Cody asked turning to me, while chewing his food. thats ... unattractive. I nodded at him, telling his that he can ask his question.

" what happened last night with you and Ry? cause like he seemed stressed when he came home earlier " he asked me with a slight hint of concern in his voice. " he came home ? " I asked. Cody nodded. " when ? " I asked again. " like 2 hours ago " why didn't he come and say hi? did I do something last night? did I upset him? make him mad? will he be mad at me, I don't want him to be mad.

" I don't know what happened , we just cuddled ? " I said more I a form of a question then a statement. maybe something did happen but I just didn't notice? did he regret becoming close to me? it wouldn't surprise me.

I finished my sandwich in an awkward silence with Cody who was looking at me once I a while with concern and confusion. after I was done I went upstairs again, but as much as I was scared I didn't go to my room first, I went to Ryders , I was nearly suffocating from the stress of seeing him mad at me, but I wanted to know if I did something so I could fix it, I don't know how I otherwise would sleep tonight, sleep without being in his arms sounded cold to me.

I knocked on his door while taking a deep breath trying to pressure my stress down a little. please be okay, and not mad...

" yes ? " I heard his voice trough the door, " can I come in " I said a little above a whisper.

" uhm I g-guess " I heard him say in an unsure voice, I opened his door, my hands shaking from fear, I fear him right now and I know that isn't anything good. " do you want something ? " he asked me, in the same tone that I asked to come in, I could see that he was hiding something from me, from the way he was sitting on his bed, with slight red eyes, like he just cried only a while ago to the stress covering his voice and his hands being the same was as mine. " can we just talk ? " I whispered not making eye contact with him. I could see him nod in the corner of my eye.

i walked into the room and closed the door, I then sat dow on the chair in his room not wanting to be next to him, but then again I did want to, my traumas caused me to go scared from only little things, even this and it was embarrassing.

we both sat in silence even tho I knew I needed to speak up first since I was the one who asked for this conversation to exist, did he even want to talk to me? " uhm...are you mad at me? " I asked him quietly, in a frightened voice. he looked up at me and he started shaking his head while saying " no, no why would I be ? " he asked me.

" because you weren't there in the morning and didn't come say hello when you came home, also Cody asked what was wrong with you. " I said to him now looking up at his eyes, my hands slowly on becoming steady again knowing he isn't mad at me.

" I just forgot " he said with frustration in his voice " and Cody is over dramatic " I just nodded my head not wanting to wind him up. I tried to cheer up the conversation by making a joke but I don't think he liked the joke " are you always going to disappear in the morning? " I said in a jokingly way making it pretty obvious that I was joking or so I at least thought.

" i am sorry that I have things to do " he said in a harsh tone, I looked down at my hands " and not that what I am doing is any of your business anyway "

I took a deep breath, my hands now starting to shake again, I think he is mad now. can't I be worried about him? why did he get so frustrated because of that. I stood up from the chair I was sitting on " sorry " I whispered to him, walking towards the door wanting to leave.

" look Zina, don't make this about yourself, you didn't do anything, but keep out of my business " he said getting off of his bed and walking into his bathroom slamming the door shut on me.

I felt tears prickling my eyes, and rushed out of his room to my own, on the way I bumped into Cody " Z what's wrong " he said when. felt them running down my cheeks.

did I just loose what I was scared of loosing?

going into my room and locking the door on Cody who was still looking at me with concern, I slid down the door rethinking everything, what have I done wrong this time? am I just never good enough, when my dad hunted me every time for 'no reason' was there a reason? just like now?

was I the problem all along?