Not there yet | Bughead

17: Reasons

We didn't go to Philadelphia on Thanksgiving. Our friends were there, we stayed at home. Like we planned, we were scared but sure, together. But we couldn't do that with our friends there. We enjoyed a long weekend ordering in and watching movies, keeping our phones off.

On Tuesday, meaning tomorrow, we both will have our check-ups. We haven't been in touch with our folks or friends since we decided to have those tests. Well, Betty texted to Kevin that we were in flu and weren't joining them to Thanksgiving. That was all.

It feels weird to talk to no one about this kind of stuff. And in our friendgroup, everyone is stupid enough to think about the sex in first fucking second when someone says baby or pregnant. I get it, I used to think like that before. It was funny. Now I'm going to a test, which means me in a room jerking and loading my stuff to a cup. So no, we are not discussing this with anyone.

"Why are these tests so much easier for woman?" I ask on Monday evening when we watch some random documentary while laying on the couch, her in my arms.

"What? Tomorrow? You wanna human biology class?" she smirks and makes me chuckle.

"Cute," I kiss her but I need to go on. "But seriously. I hate the thing. It feels.. I don't know. There isn't a word how it feels. What if I can't?" I'm really anxious and pretty sure I can't do it. I wish I could sneak her in the room with me. Or if I just could do it here and..

"Baby, you can do it. You just keep me in your thoughts, my body, my lips.. do I need to continue?" she smiles and plays my locks on her fingers locking her eyes deep in mine.

"I think you need to show me what I need to think," I say as I move my hands under her shirt caressing her sides and belly, soon feeling her bras. Her lips are on mines in that second, her tongue intruding inside my mouth meeting mine. "I think we are ready to go downstairs, yeah?" I mumble against her lips as she hums for an answer.

. . . . .

Is it normal to get the invite to hear the results? We got it. I thought it would be just like a phone call, like on Friends.

As they got us the appointment for that on Friday, I took that day off from work. Can you believe it? Me doing such a thing? We had a long morning walk, sun was shining and it was little crispy, quite perfect. We had a lunch in the city before going to a clinic, enjoyed the day off and having that together.

Both of us were secretly panicing the results, but we didn't say that out loud. It wasn't anymore that 'being afraid together, sure together'. It was panicing secretly alone, being awkwardly fake happy together. It turned like this only this morning, luckily. We got here, and now we are on our own, for a little while.

"Jones" doctor Gray called us in. We looked at each others, smiling, and walked there hand in hand, him squeezing mine maybe too heavy.

She started on my results. I was fine, my body was fine, my cycle, my eggs, everything was just like it suppoused to be. She told everything with a huge, warm smile which made me relax. It's gonna be just fine.

Then it was time for his. Her face, it changed. I knew it immediately and he knew it too. My stomach flipped before she said anything, I felt my heart racing. He pulled away his hand.

"The sperm, there wasn't anything living, usually we tell percents, and there is always possibility when we have those percents. But what we had here was zero living material," doctor Gray said as Jughead stood up and left slamming the door behind him.

"Sorry. Can you call me back for details, I need to go after him," I apologized and ran after him feeling my vision to blurry. Where did he go?

. . . . .

I made her to dream it, to want it. And I can't offer it. How fucking twisted?

I ran out, I rushed the stairs down to the streets eyeing to way to go. I decided the way, I kept running as I felt sobbs escaping from my mouth. I got to the spot, sat down and screamed keeping my eyes closed and hoping there isn't no one.

Would it be different if we wouldn't have broken up and I would be 24 year old? Fucking Archie and his crisis back then! This is what I repeating in my mind for next minutes. Until she arrives.

"If you want to disapper, don't go a one place we love to sit when we come to city," she says softly and sit next to me. I lean on her, press my head on her chest and she starts to caressing my hair. I let her do that for a while, until the tape starts to repeat itself again.

"We never should have broken up," I say, now standing, taking steps away from her.

"What you mean?"

"I mean that if we have been together all this time, I wouldn't have drunken and we would maybe planned the have a baby sooner and... I don't fucking know, I just. All of our fucking shitty mess and baggage, this is where it shows, in me. It ruined me and now it finally ruined the both of us, our lives. You are better without me," I rant taking the steps back and then speeding up for a run. No idea where, but I'm going.

. . . . .

I gave him 24 hours.

In that time doctor Gray called, told me options which we would have. But in that moment I didn't care. Only option for me is to have Jug.

Then I started. I called him the whole Thursday. Texted too. I was sure he was somewhere drinking and I was worried. Is he hurt? When I tried to call him at 6 pm, his phone was off. Fuck. Why didn't I trace him at office when I called him earlier?

When I had though every fucking possibility, at nine I knew what to do next and I hated it.

"Hey kid, where have you two been? You promised not to disappear," Fp laughed as he answered my call. Shit. I felt the tears coming, again. I stayed quiet because I would have cried if I'd have opened my mouth. "What's wrong?" he asked, he knew me.

"Paps. He is missing. Since Tuesday," I whispered. I have been calling hims paps from our wedding, it just happened. Fp sighed, cursed and asked me to tell everything. Well, I couldn't, I cried too much. After while he led me be, he got what he got. "Can someone come to your place? I don't like you being there alone. We are coming tomorrow," he said in the end. I got Ellie, she was coming.

On Friday I called Vee and Kev, texted to Archie and Cheryl. Didn't tell them much either, I had no energy to do that. I just told them he was missing with some bad news. I was falling to a hole, which I was 18 months ago. I'll climb up from here, soon, I promise.

"Sweetie, where are you honey?" I hear from upstairs. I have been burried into blankets in our bed for hours since work, wine bottle on my nightstand, halfly drank. And now they are here. "Mom, paps?" I croaked and soon after that they appeared on the doorway smiling sligthly at me, sighing.

Fp walked to me, giving a kiss on my forehead but leaving me with mom there. Mom climbed on our bed, laid there next to me and took me in her arms, stroking me hair and arm.

Fp drove the weekend around the city, called the Serpents who were checking Riverdale and nearby areas, Jb and Gladys were also informed. We called his manager, I checked our Airbnb account which looked normal. I knew he knew more people, hell he lived seven years without the rest of us. But none of us knew those people, so we were fucked.

And the worst option.

That he was hurt.

On Monday I'd had to do something more at office.

I really really hate my life.

I need him. There is nothing without him.