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Chapter 38- back to old hobbies

TWs- alc0h0l, mention of bl00d, vi0lence, mention of se1f h4rm, mention of r4pe, mention of add1ct1ion, abus1ve parent, Technoblade (lmk if i missed any)

George's POV

"I'm gonna kill him." Clay mumbled, turning and waking away. I stared after him, confusion twisting my mind. Why had he stopped like that? What was he thinking about? Why hadn't he heard me calling his name, though quietly, as he zoned out after I said the name of the boy who hurt me most?

The blonde had stumbled his way into our room, leaving the door open behind him. I sat alone on the sofa, shaken and slightly scared of what was going on. So, So much was going on. And usually when I felt like this I would go to Clay, because he was the one person who got it and helped me. But I wasn't comfortable yet- my mind still constantly went back to his hand pushing our lips together.

He didn't do anything that bad. And I knew that. I knew we would go back to being fine eventually, and that we would have already if I hadn't had the flashbacks. Just another thing that I deep down know is my fault I guess.

But the knowledge that we would be fine in the end kept me sane at that time. The knowledge that no matter how much we argued, how upset one or both of us got, we would still come back together eventually. Perhaps like some kind of human magnet, like we were literally made for each other from the beginning. Built from whatever material only in order to find where we click together, and we were lucky enough to do so. And over this past 6 or so months we had grown so dependent on one another, formed such a strong bond, that whenever the other feels any grief we can tell just by looking. Perhaps from the way they stand, perhaps from the way they talk, or maybe just because it's wired into us. Because no matter what, we can't do it without our other half. 

We can't do it without each other.

_______

Clay's POV

All I could think about was how much I wanted to call him. Call both of them- I wanted to scream at them, tell them how much I hated them. I wanted to let my lungs get sore as I spilled out every ounce of anger that had built over the years and make them feel the newfound sorrow in my heart at what Noah did to my boyfriend. But I knew I couldn't do that. George would be so upset with me, and with something as intense as that it wouldn't end well. I had to get these stupid thoughts out of my head, had to force my brain to steer away from making the situation worse. I had to feel numb.

Grabbing my keys I stumbled into the kitchen, seeing George sat exactly where he had been before just without tears streaming down his face. "I'm going out for a bit baby. I'll see you later okay?" He looked up at me, his eyes shining. I knew he knew- or at least thought he did.

"Okay, just don't-  buy anything." Don't buy blades. But that was fine. Because blades weren't my plan.

"I won't." I kept direct eye contact with him, knowing I wasn't lying because with what he said he didn't mean 'anything'. He just meant those. It was a loophole, one that only I would be able to use because only I knew George well enough to be able to understand his specific request. "Okay. See you later"

"Mhm, I lov-" wait. Is it too soon? Have I fucked us up to the point of no return? Will he say it back if I tell him I love him or will he only reply with the cold dismissal I constantly fear?  

"I uhm.. I'll see you later."

Again my overthinking took control of a situation, and I just saw George nod slowly before I pulled the front door shut behind me. That was the right thing to do. Was it?

My mind went into panic mode as I threw open the car door, climbing inside dazedly and not bothering to do my seatbelt as I drove quickly down the road. I knew exactly where I was going, and what I was going to do there. George probably wouldn't approve. But he wasn't here, so it didn't matter right?