Third Time's The Charm

Chapter 1

I was alone with the doctor when I found out. I had come in for an emergency appointment when I noticed the tiniest of smears on my toilet paper. Maya had asked if she should come with me but I lied and told her it was just a routine appointment, pretending I had forgotten to tell her about it.

"You shouldn't miss work on such short notice, they need you at the station."

"You sure Carina? I'm sure Andy wouldn't mind being captain for a little," she said, putting a hand on my ever growing tummy.

"It's nothing," I smiled. She kissed my forehead and then my belly.

"Be good for mamma today. Don't make her too sick," she gave me one last kiss before making her way out the door.

I was eleven weeks along. There had been no problems before this. I am an expert in the field.  I knew that strange fluids and sensations were the order of the day, but I couldn't help the panic that set in when I saw that red stain on the piece of toilet paper in my hand. I waited until I was sure Maya had gone. I picked up the phone and called the clinic opting to stay away from Grey Sloan for the time being. I couldn't risk being caught in the ER by Maya or anyone on the team.

I sounded frantic over the phone; the nurse tried to be reassuring but wasn't very successful. I needed to be completely certain. This was Maya and I's second round at IVF. The doctor had explained how risky this could be given my age, but we decided to give it another chance. We had also decided that our tiny apartment wasn't the best place to grow our family, so all of our savings were currently tied up in the house we just bought, making this our last chance for the time being.

Maya and I had discussed the possibility of this not working for me, but after much debate it was decided that if that were the case Maya would be the one to give it another shot. She constantly reassured me that it's what she wanted, but I knew that deep inside Maya wouldn't want to give up the career she worked so hard for, and I can't blame her. I needed this to work. For both of us. I couldn't watch the hurt that Maya would experience once the reality of her having to carry our baby set in. The reality of having to give everything up. With that, I made my way to the doctor's, pleading that this baby was okay and I was freaking out over nothing.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like hours. Silently praying and running my hands over the tiny bump that hid under my shirt. "Carina DeLuca?" I got up slowly not wanting to face whatever life had in store for me on the other side of that door. I was led into an exam room and instructed to change into the gown that had been put out for me. I waited forever until I heard a small knock on the door.

"Come in," I responded, my voice shaky.

A tall slender red headed woman walked in, "Hello, I'm Dr. Montgomery, how are you today?"

The doctor- she wasn't my regular doctor, just the doctor on call that day- I explained my symptoms and why I had decided to come in that day. She started the sonogram. It was taking longer than usual. "Everything okay?" I asked. No response. It was like that for what seemed like an eternity.

"I'm sorry," I didn't understand. What was she sorry about? Was the machine not working correctly? Was that the reason the baby hadn't been doing much of anything? She explained that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done. It hadn't even occurred to me that it might have been something I had done. My mind raced with the possibilities. It didn't make sense I hadn't changed anything, I did everything I would regularly recommend to my patients, what went wrong? How will I tell Maya?

I am probably not the only woman out there who has a problem with the word miscarriage. It sounds like it was my fault: Whoopsie I dropped the baby, I was carrying them all wrong. And the alternatives..... I lost the baby? How bad of a mother do you have to be to misplace a baby that is still inside of you? "The baby died" is a little too direct for Maya. And let's not be dramatic, it wasn't quite a baby yet. Almost but not yet. She handed me a few tissues.

"I'll give you a minute, If you would like to call someone, I'll be back to discuss further procedures with you."

"Thank you Doctor," I stared at my phone for a little, unsure if I should call Maya or just wait until she got home. I decided to call her; I repeated the doctor's words. We sat in silence for a moment when she finally said I'll be over as soon as I can. The nurse brought in a cup of water and apologized once again. I didn't say anything, just stared at the wall as tears rolled down my face. I took a moment to calm down and drove home. I knew Maya would want to talk about this but I simply didn't know what to say.

I sat on the bed and listened for the car door. I remembered asking Maya to stop and get something for lunch before coming home, so I picked up a magazine and began to read an article on Jiao bodhisattva in Buddhism, who serves as a guide for lost and unborn children. I sobbed as I read the article and for the first time ever I found myself praying my child would find its way to their grandmother. I always questioned the existence of heaven and God, but for some reason thinking that my mother would eventually have my child in her arms gave me comfort.

Maya is home. I put the magazine on the nightstand and pretended to sleep. I curled up and hoped she wouldn't notice I was awake. I wasn't ready to confront the reality of what had happened today; not yet. I heard the front door open and the clatter of Maya's keys hitting the bowl on the coffee table.

"Carina? You here?" she asked.

I couldn't bring myself to call out to her. I wanted to. All I wanted was for her to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, but I still didn't know what I would say to her. I shed a few more tears until the sound of the door knob turning snapped me back. I quickly shut my eyes hoping she didn't hear my sobs.

She moved my hair out of my face and kissed my cheek before snuggling up next to me. Maya was never one to show emotion, but as soon as she pulled me in I felt her hot tears hitting the back of my shirt.  She moved her hand down to my abdomen and whispered. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I can't avoid her forever. She needed my comfort as much as I needed hers.

A/N: Please leave comments and ideas! I appreciate all feedback.