Of All the Stars in the Galaxy

Fate? Or cruel Irony?

Meeting her was so random. I sent her a message about something random, than before I knew it we were staying up all night discussing writing. We both kind of instantly latched onto each other, I told her once I think our souls recognized the loneliness we both have always carried around.

Her name was, well I suppose still is,Tali. Though it took her nearly a month to tell me her name. Always so guarded and mysterious. At one point she demanded a nickname in place of telling me her name, and I complied because I was already very fond of her at that point. The irony of her putting up so many walls, was the second she lowered them a bit I unknowingly slid from being fond of her in as a friend, to full on tumbling head over heels in love with her.

There were pieces of both us that were incredibly similar. Neither of us had an easy go at life. The similarities made it even more difficult to stop myself from falling, because I had never met someone so completely matched to me, in ways that were mostly good, but a few that brushed up against each other's trauma in a way that wasn't always entirely comfortable. I swear to this day, it felt like I had found my soulmate.

Yet life has never been kind to me, and it didn't decide to start than. The entire situation quickly became a complicated situation. Had we both been single, it would have been much easier. However, as it turned out Tali is married. That coupled with her mental health put me in a position where the kindest thing I could do was walk away from her. Even though doing so shattered my heart into a billion tiny pieces.

That was all a little over a year ago. I have stayed away as promised, but I still think of her everyday. I often dream of her at night, and wake up feeling like I can barely breathe when I realize that I will only ever speak to her in my dreams again.

It was warm May afternoon when my friend Tasha approached me about being in a music video she was making. She wanted to represent as much of the LGBTQ community as possible, and my queer non-binary ass fit the bill. We live on the East coast, but the plan was to fly to California for five days to shoot it there on the beach, and her record label would cover the expense for my flight and hotel. So I agreed, I can dance around in a music video and get a free beach vacation.

Which is what led to what could only be classified as either a gift of Fate, or a very cruel irony. Which bring us to why I'm sitting in my hotel room drinking bitterly right now.

This morning I had arrived at the beach as requested, dressed in a pair of faded men's Levis and a green and white sports bra. Tasha had grinned at me, offering a "Hey Zie" and a hug, before chatting with me because it would take awhile for everything to get set up. She joked about putting my "tall lanky ass" in the back so I didn't block some of the shorter dancers. This is a pretty accurate description. I am 5'9 and kind of lanky, with short brown hair and dark green eyes. Women always compliment me on my eyes and my height. Which feels pretty shallow honestly, since those were the luck of the draw with genetics.

As Tasha turned to talk to a short man who is apparently trans from what I overheard, I glanced around the beach. My eyes fell on a short woman with long dark hair sitting about twenty feet away. My heart stopped. I recognized her. I had seen her almost every-night in my dreams for the past year.

I felt my feet walking over to her, almost as if they had a mind of their own. It was like a magnetic pull that I was barely in control of her. I stopped in front of her, looking down at her where she was sitting. She looked up at me with confusion. I found my voice and said "Tali?", staring into her hazel eyes with disbelief. She blinked, looking even more confused for second. I could see the moment she recognized me as surprise flickered across her face.

To be fair, we had only ever spoken online. We had exchanged some pictures, but I'm sure if I hadn't seen her face in my dreams every night for the last year, it would have taken me a moment to recognize her as well.