not nothing

1

JUNE 10TH

I wanted to slap him in the face. I didn't care who was watching, I didn't care who was going to talk about me later, and I didn't care that I would probably get grounded for the whole summer. He was annoying. And not just what he said or the way he said it. It was also the way he sat, the way he ate and chewed, the way he rolled his eyes, the way he moved his arms when he cut his steak, and the way he always ignored me. I'm not sure why he always ignored me. Maybe he despised me as much as I despised him. Maybe he was simply ignoring everyone at this table. Or maybe I was just invisible to him, like I was to my family. I must admit I ignored everyone else at this table as well at that moment, but the conversation was just too boring.

I always tried to engage with the surrounding elders, always tried to get them to acknowledge me or even agree with me. Asking for praise would be too much.

He was different. He didn't want to be at this table, he didn't want this lifestyle, and he didn't want praise. He just wanted to be gone. Anywhere else than with his parents. Anywhere else than with me. Or maybe he only wanted to be away from me and his parents weren't the problem. He was still living with them after all.

As always, we were sat next to each other. Probably because we were about the same age. If I were younger, my life would be better. My little sister's life is better. She gets all their praise and all the attention that they lack towards me. I had often wondered if it was truly because of my age, or because I was just not good enough. I was a little less pretty than her, less smart, less charming, but was I also not pretty, smart, and charming enough to get recognized? He didn't have this issue. He didn't even have siblings. And yet he behaved as if he were in hell.

Honestly, it was his own fault. If he didn't always do stupid shit he would be the golden boy of this whole town. But the way he acted was so inappropriate, he didn't even have to say anything and still, everyone around him could tell he was trying to provoke all members of the rich society. He should be glad he's not thirsty or starving, although it appears he wants to be poorer.
This city is divided into rich and poor, and although he's from the better side, he only hangs around in the other half. With the poor. What does he see in them? What's so much better about them than about us? I'm not saying they're worth less or dangerous like my father would say, they are in fact just normal people, that live a normal life, just like us, but less luxurious. But I still couldn't figure out why someone poorer should be a better person than someone richer.

I looked back up at him. For the first time, after a quick greeting, he spoke.
"No. I'm not going to college next semester, because I don't want to go to college at all," he replied to what appeared to be a question from my mother. He didn't even try to hide the annoyance and hatred in his voice or in his face.
"Son, we have been through this. We're not going to discuss this again. Not at the dinner table", I heard his father speak.
"Why not?", he raised his voice. "Are you embarrassed in front of your so-called friends that your only son doesn't want to go to fucking hell again?"
So he didn't only presume he was in hell right now, he also presumed that school was hell. He became more and more of a riddle to me. I studied his features again, trying to understand him at least a little bit. My gaze wandered from his soft hair to his beautiful ocean eyes. His lips looked so soft and his cheekbones like they were carved by Greek sculptors. His face was perfect in every way. Even his nose was perfectly straight. Looking at it made my guts turn in despise. He completely ruined his attractive appearance with his ugly inside. Always aggressive and arrogantly full of hate towards all of us.

He raised his voice again. I'm sure by now the whole restaurant was staring at our table. Why did he even bother fighting in this restaurant? No one would try and stop him if he decided to leave. I would be grateful, even. I didn't want anybody in the restaurant to associate me with him. This town was small. By tomorrow, everyone would probably know. At this point, it wasn't just about college. It was about how he didn't make an effort to participate in the family business, it was about his friends and how they were the reason he was like this. And it was about money. It's always about money when grown-ups talk. Can't they find any more interesting topics?

Right now, I wanted to slap him even harder in the face than before. I wanted to stand up, take the chair I was sitting on, and smack it over his head, so it shattered. Maybe then he would shut up. I didn't care if he wanted to ruin his life with stunts like this and taking the drugs until he overdosed. I only didn't want to be involved in that. In no way.
"I don't want this, Dad, I don't want this life, I don't want the business, and I don't want to be in this fucking restaurant every week with-"
"Could you shut the fuck up", I hissed at him quietly, grabbing his arm harshly to prove my point. He looked at me disgusted, as if I just gave him STDs or worse. That honestly didn't surprise me.
"Don't fucking touch me, you fucking slut", he spat slowly and ripped his arm out of my grip. He didn't look at me one more time until he got up and walked out of the restaurant abruptly. I looked after him confused, but visibly grateful he was gone.
Everyone was staring at me. Even the waiters stopped in their tracks for a second and looked at me, curious if I actually were a slut. I turned to my little sister, her eyes were full of pity. It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want the negative attention on me. I didn't know how to react calmly and appropriately in this situation, so I just shot up and walked to the bathroom as quickly as I could, already feeling a tear run down my cheeks and destroying my makeup. It wasn't like I cared if he liked me or not. Just like he didn't care about my feelings. Or else he wouldn't have said that. It was after all just a meaningless insult. I wasn't a slut. Right?