not nothing

3

JUNE 12TH
-dawn-

I loved the feeling of the cool waves, as they wrapped themselves so beautifully around my body and swayed me as if I were still a child in a cradle. It brought me comfort and the feeling of serenity. Out on the sea, everything was calm. There were no other people, that could possibly stress me out and there were no sounds, except for the quiet song of waves crashing and birds humming.

I sat there, fully relaxed for the first time in days, with my eyes closed and my surroundings far away. Sometimes I asked myself if the water was my medicine. If it was what healed me. As a child, I noticed that if I had a headache, I could just take a shower and most of the time it would be gone. Now I wondered if the water could erase memories like that as well. I came to the conclusion, that I would be better off if I didn't know him at all. My mind wouldn't be filled with useless topics, like him, all the time, and I could finally focus entirely on the tasks my parents gave me. They didn't treat me like a Cinderella or something, but I had to help them with a lot of business this summer. It being the summer before college, I didn't have a lot else to do. The other kids my age were just partying all day and night long. Taking drugs and drinking until they collapsed. How they survived this I didn't know.
William was no different. Although I have despised the lifestyle of the high society, I have had to admit the parties were fantastic. The Coke was free and the girls threw themselves at him. Admittedly, I had no idea about a different kind of party, but I assumed they were a lot different.

I opened my eyes and let them scan over the empty beach. In the early mornings, usually, the only other people were old enough to have fought in the Vietnam War. But today something unusual caught my attention. Speaking of the devil, there he was, and unfortunately, he looked good. He was working out at one of these outside gyms at the beach. I quickly looked away. I wouldn't let this ruin my beautifully calm morning.

I reached my hands into the water to collect a good amount in my palms and splash it over my face to distract my thoughts, but somehow my gaze always averted back towards him. God, he even was shirtless. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to walk around a neighborhood like this with no shirt on. What would all the old, judgmental ladies sitting at tea right now think? I rolled my eyes and turned my board around, so I would face in the opposite direction.

Somehow, although I couldn't see him anymore and my gaze was fixated on the ocean, I still felt his presence behind me. It was almost like if you walk in a street at night, and you could feel someone walking behind you. Just less creepy, but as uncomfortable. Was he maybe watching me and that's why I felt so paranoid? But two days prior he called me a slut, so the chances of him staring at me were pretty small. Unless he was staring at me because he wished daggers to fly out of his eyes and straight into my back.

Hesitantly, I turned around to prove my theory, but I was mistaken. He wasn't even facing my direction, all I saw was his bare back as his muscles flexed each time he pulled himself up the bar, and his beautiful dark blond hair that curled in his neck. I gripped my surfboard harder as I watched him let go of the pull-up bar and land on the ground, where he crouched down before positioning himself to do push-ups. I felt like a stalker, but I couldn't stop admiring him. I noticed how I got closer and closer as I had stopped paddling further out on the ocean but was now slowly being carried back by the waves. He must have felt my presence, just like I felt his before because he suddenly stopped and turned towards me. I snapped my head back towards the wide ocean, hoping he hadn't seen me staring. I didn't dare to look around again and started paddling a little.

I wondered if this odd behavior of mine was due to my childhood crush on him. Well, it wasn't necessarily a childhood crush since it was in middle school, but I remember feeling devastated as I saw him with other girls, especially older girls, that were more beautiful and had bigger breasts than me or that had clearer skin than I had. It was the first time I experienced jealousy towards somebody other than my siblings, and I hated myself for it. Although, at the time I was kind of weird looking, to be honest. My cheeks were still chubby and my eyes small, my nose too big, and I weighed a little too much for a girl that tiny. The worst part was my style, which I confidently wore back then. Every day I showed up to school in some colorful pair of leggings and a definitely not matching but just as colorful shirt. But the worst part must have been the pink braces that showed every time I smiled. As you can imagine, I wasn't taken seriously by the older girls that William was with. My crush certainly went away as he started to act like an asshole towards me and wasn't the nice William that I used to admire so much anymore. He wasn't even that good-looking back then, either. He was just the funniest and coolest guy in school, and that's why he was so popular until he decided to change. Sadly his physique changed as well in a very positive way.

I turned my head to sneakily look over my shoulder once more, but he was gone.