Parineeta

I Loved You!

"you didn't even feel the way you reacted?"I squinted my eyes and his expressions changed, one from guilt to embarrassed to soft. A sudden blush crept on his cheeks and he looked away while my gaze stuck to his face. He knew.
"Nandini alot happened in the last one year.. I don't know about people or things around me... but alot happened here.."he said as he pointed to his chest indicating his heart.
"And here..."his hand shifted to his head, probably indicating his mind and I looked on waiting for him to complete his phrases.
"Alot of realisations... Alot of changes... Alot of things... That I don't think I'll be able to name... But that day when you left... I got angry... Not because I thought something happened between us... Infact I was not even angry... That morning when we woke up, I was, on the contrary feeling a little happy about the thought that I woke up to you sleeping next to me... Snuggled in my arms... When I'd opened my eyes... It was like the most beautiful view I'd ever seen... You looked so beautiful... Carefree... A part of me just wanted to keep looking at you because nothing else seemed to matter until It hit me... Alya's face jumped in front of my eyes... And my mind seemed to scream at me that I betrayed her.. and I did not want to be called a cheater... Because it kind onf triggered the fact that I'd been unfair to you all this while... I'd broken your heart so many times that It felt criminal to be breaking another heart... It also triggered the feeling that whatever I felt while I saw you sleep was wrong... I shouldn't be feeling it even though it was a new feeling and it made me happy... I'd never even felt that with Alya and because I was trying to believe that whatever I had with Alya was real.. that made whatever I experienced in those moments feel like cheating... That is why I told you not to mention whatever happened to anyone... I did not even want to know if something happened or not because because either way it would've been heartbreaking... If something did happen.. it'd be heartbreaking for Alya... If it didn't.. it would've been heartbreaking for me... So I stormed out of there... And when Alya told me she wanted a break up... It struck me that you told her... And my mind seemed to convince me that you indeed were not the one... Because you betrayed me and whatever I felt that morning was infact unreal.. because otherwise you won't have betrayed me... And so all that reaction... All of that stupidity... It was as if my mind was looking for a way to push you away so that I could settle with the thought Alya and I were real... Or atleast that you and I weren't, and we weren't even meant to be... Later when I was with Cabir going crazy about whatever happened... Realising how I shouldn't have behaved with you like that but also trying to convince myself that you betrayed me, Navya called Cabir and mentioned about the conversation you had with Alya that morning... The one I had heard... Impulsive reacted to... She told Cabir that Harshad had been harassing you... That usne tumhe propose kiya tha..."he paused to look at me to get wn assurance on whether Harshad had done it and I nodded.
"The previous day Harshad had stuck by me.. the whole day... Apologizing... Making conversation... Telling me that he did not realise when he really did fall for me... And that you were not worthy of me because you didn't even realise what you had... But he did and stuff and stuff.."I revealed and his face went red.
"I will kill him if he ever comes to face I swear..."he muttered softly to himself but I heard it and he probably realised it too.
"Although he wasn't entirely wrong... I never did realise what I had until I lost... Who I had... I really do not deserve you... But I still want to tell you everything... Everything I felt... Admit to every stupid.. reckless... Insensitive.. trashy thing I ever did to you... Baaki tumhara decision tumhara he hoga... If you decide that you don't want to forgive me I'll let you go... I won't force you..."he looked at me and as much as I did not want to give him the benefit of doubt, the genuineness in his eyes made me and I couldn't help it. I nodded as he continued.
"Yeah so just like today... I had gone crazy with anger that day too.. when I heard Harshad proposed to you... And that... This.. this feeling was unexplainable to me then... I'm now familiar with it but..." He chuckled.
"I felt insecure... Territorial... Because despite whatever I made myself believe..  a part of me knew it very well that there were a hundred guys out there... Who deserved you... And that I didn't stand a chance if it came to guys who could treat you the way you deserved to br treated... And I had enough competition with Aryaman... I definitely did not want a bad guy going good for my girl because that's worst best kind of relationships... I'd read enough of enemies turned lovers once upon a time..."he said and I looked at him amused because the bad guys going good for a girl were indeed the best kind of relationships but didn't he see it that we were already in one of those. He was the bad guy and I was the girl.
"Trust me it took me all this while, a year away from you to piece it together that we were already one of the beauty and the beast couples... You were the beauty and I was the monster..."he said as if he read my mind and I was dumbstruck.
"So yeah... When Cabir disconnected Navya's call my head was a mess... But the call I had overhead of yours and Alya's started to make sense... The breakup still didn't... I'd rushed to Alya.. she told me she broke up because she fell out of love with me... And in love with Dhruv and I realised how you were actually right... That I was an extremely disgusting person... I couldn't even trust you... But the whole while I just did not want to trust my heart and what it felt but again that was my problem and I shouldn't have behaved with you the way I did... Until then... All I felt was guilt... No other emotion... But then mom called.. she told me you'd withdrawn from the concert and left the college and my heart leapt.. I reached for you at the Murthy's... But you'd already left... That was the first time I'd felt a real heart break... It was almost like I heard it breaking and shattering inside of me... It hurt... Like every piece of that heart was piercing through... Like real bruises on my skin... I felt physical pain.. just without Physical scars or bleeding... When I reached back home mom said you'd already left the country... I felt numb... Nothing made sense anymore... Nothing mattered... That was the moment... I realised what I truly wanted... What I truly loved... Who I loved... It was the moments with you that I loved... The little ones... Our fights... Our moments.. even after the fake marriage.. the little moments that I spent in your presence... That's what I loved... After you left... Everything felt bleak... I shut myself in my room.. our room... For days... I tried to feel your presence... In your stuff that you left behind... But it seemed like everything lost it essence once you were gone... Cabir took me back to college... The concert came... We lost... I did not want to play anymore... I did not want to do anything with music anymore... I didn't wanna do anything... I did not want anybody... That emptiness that I felt despite having everything.. everyone... It made me realise... How much I loved you... And not just that day... But forever... I used to have alot of time at hand... I started overthinking..."I looked at him surprised when he said Fab5 lost the concert. They never lose any competition. The guilt and sadness in his eyes were numbing and depressing. I never knew it would've affected him so much or that it still affected him so much.
"I thought about everything... From the beginning... The first time I met you... At that party.. how you changed me... Your mere presence made me want to be a better person so that if at all you ever hear about me... You always hear the good things... That you really were the beauty that changed my beastly self to a person... How you made me want to care about things, people... You made me want to avoid Harshad and his cheap tricks or retaliating to them in the sick ways that I would've because I always thought about you... About how you would react to hearing about something that I did... About what you'd do if you were there... Everything had started to be about you no matter how much I denied it... And all of this.. I realised after I lost you..."