Parineeta

It Is Your Decision!

"I gradually lost interest in everything... Stopped hanging out with Fab5... Spent most of my time at home.. in my room.. Hoping that someday you might just come back... I didn't want you to come back to an empty house... I wanted to be there if you ever came home... To see you.. to hug you.. tell how I'm an idiot who really doesn't deserve you but also tell you how incomplete your absence made me feel... How I haven't felt alive ever since you left... I managed to graduate... Almost passing through with the exams..."he looked away but I was more than surprised on hearing how my absence had really affected him. Manik Malhotra was almost passing through exams was unbelievable. I always knew one thing that no matter how much Manik got distracted, went rogue he never let his future suffer. He never let his exams suffer. He never let anything suffer that mattered, something that could build him the future he wanted.
"I left music after graduation.."and another shocker. Manik lived for his music. The fact that Manik left his music was heartbreaking and I had started feeling slightly guilty for taking the one thing he loved beyond limits, for being the reason why he would give his music up.
"Manik... Your music is your life..."I muttered shifting a little closer to him.
"Was... Because it made me happy... It made me feel alive.. also because the only common thing between you and me was music... After you left... I didn't feel happy... Not alive... Music used to be my escape... But after I lost you... Everytime I played or sang I was reminded of how I lost you... How I broke you... My escape became my trap... I stopped playing... I joined dad's business..."I felt a stabbing feeling in my chest as I heard him talk about how he felt trapped in the only thing that kept him alove and sane.
"But before that.... Between losing my music and joining dad's business... I had this psychotic phase... After graduation... I shut myself in our room completely... Did not talk to anybody... Did not meet anybody... I just wanted to shut the world out until you came back... Almost like Damon shut himself in the coffin until Elena woke up? yeah I'm sorry I watched alot of The Vampire Diaries all this while... Sucked.."he looked at me and tried to lighten up the mood as he understood the tension in the air. Didn't help. But it was good to know that he'd been watching cliche stupid romances while I was gone.
"Yeah so I shut myself in completely and everybody was worried... Fab5.. mom.. dad.. Cabir used to call me like 50 times a day... Made sense since he was the best person who always understood me... He knew better than anybody... But I was wrong..."I looked on. My hand involuntarily reached for his and held them like an assurance. He didn't move.
"He wasn't the only one who knew me extremely well... One day.. when I was.. like everyday... Locked in my room... Someone knocked on my room... I was frustrated.. I thought it was some staff but didn't want to be disturbed so snubbed them angrily... But then I heard a voice.. Nandini... I can't tell you how I felt... I heard this soft voice... She called me 'papa'... I wasn't sure if it eas her... So I told mom that it wasn't funny... But when I opened the door... There she was... Humari Medha... Nandini when I saw her that day... All I could see was a mini you... And I knew that she saved me... From whatever I was doing to myself... she had asked me if I had forgotten her... and I couldn't help but admire how adorable she looked... just like you.. I had looked up at mom who was standing thorha dur and she had said that even though I couldn't do right by you... I had a chance to pay for all of it if I did right by the little girl who had nobody... Who had won you over...'ho sakta hai uski khushi aur uska saath hi tumhe Nandini ke paas bhi le jaaye..' and I knew I gotten a second chance to make things right... After that... I pulled myself together... I knew finding you... Bringing you back was on me and I did not believe Medha was any miracle who could miraculously minimise my punishment for hurting you... And I didn't care if Medha wasn't the key to help me reach to you... I just wanted to give her the happiness that I couldn't give you... She became my life... I joined dad's business... Started working hard to be worthy of her... So that she's proud and someday even you are... Medha had pulled me out of the dark place I was pushing myself into... So I made sure I gave her the best life... An amazing family... I tried to go back to a normal life... Apologized to Fab5 for abandoning them we started hanging out again... Medha found her Cabir chachu who loved her just as much as he loved her mom... Dhruv chachu,Mukti massi, Alya massi, Navya massi, dadu, dadi... Everybody pampered her... Everybody loved her... I loved her... Everything started getting normal except for the fact that I still couldn't play... I couldn't go back to my music... But I was forced... Fab5 was offered an album sometime back... It was big... An amazing opportunity for everybody... Except me... I didn't care... I'd made myself believe music was made for me... Because the thought otherwise hurt. They made me promise I would do it... I did... But I also promised myself that that would be the last of any connection I had with music... On the night of the launch.. I broke all ties with my music..."he paused and I looked away.
"But there was something... That I hadn't told anyone... Even though I had given up music... I hadn't given up the hope to find you... To get you back... Because hope was all I had... So I'd started writing... songs..."he said a slight smile sported ony face on the thought that there was still hope. That he hadn't lost his music completely.
"I started writing.. for you... I decided that the songs I was writing.. would only come to the lights if you ever came back... If you were ever around to listen to them.. nahi toh vo bas words rahenge ek paper pe... And so they were... Just a bunch of words inside a diary... And then...you showed up... On Alya's engagement... I don't... Really don't know how Cabir knew about the songs... About the fact that I was writing them for you... I don't know how he knew any of it... Prolly because he did know me better than anybody... So he did... And that day... He asked me to sing... He asked me to sing those songs... 'For you' was a subtext though... but I know him as well as he knows me.. and somehow it didn't bother me... I didn't stop myself... I didn't feel that hurt that day when I samg in front of you... Like the on the day of the album launch or any other day... I felt free... Everytime I closed my eyes... All I could see was your face and all I could remember was that you were really there... You had finally come back... I finally had a chance.. a second chance... With you too.. to make things right... To get you back... So that day I sang and I've never felt that alive ever... My escape.. my music seemed to be bringing me closer to my reality... The reality where you were actually so close to me.... There were so many things that I wanted to say to you that day... Clear it all out... Apologize to you... Whatever I'm doing today... I wanted to do that day itself... But then by the time I finished the song... Mukti said Medha had gotten sick... And as much as I wanted to talk to you... at that point... Medha was the only thing on my mind... She was my first priority... My daughter... Our daughter... I couldn't think about anything beyond her... Because even the thought of something happening to her...the thought that I might lose her was equal to hundred deaths for me... It's almost losing you again... Losing my life yet again... And I just couldn't process anything beyond the fact that she was sick and crying... Nandini... All these months... All I've done... Everything that I've done is for Medha... To see her happy... I was practically living only for her and the times when I wasn't looking for you I was around her making sure she never shed a tear... She's never hurt.. because I didn't want to see her cry like made you cry... I had promised myself I'll keep our daughter the happiest... Give ner everything she wants... Everything that made her happy... So yeah that day I rushed away to Medha.."he said and I remembered the night of the engagement. All of it made sense, so much that I felt embarassed at the fact that all this while I thought he had a girlfriend.
"And when I came back... You'd drawn the conclusion that I had a mew girlfriend..."he said and I felt like slapping myself hard.
"That was the night I realised that you would not listen to me if I forced you to... I realised you would only listen to me if you wanted to... So I had to make you want to confront you... Because as sweet as you've always been... You're the most stubborn person ever..."he chuckled and I looked at him, my eyebrows crooked in a questioning manner.
"Sorry... But I've seen it closely.."he said and I tried to understand what he meant by that.
"Yeah.. I mean firstly.. I've seen you for all these years... And now I have a mini you... Who's just as stubborn and Dramatic... Nandini she's a true copy of yours... She gets angry like you... She's stubborn.. like you... She loves the same things that you used to..."he said and I smiled at how he was talking about his daughter.. our daughter.
"So I decided that I will play it your way... Push you until you finally decide to come yell at me... But also made sure that I didn't say anything that was literal enough to break your heart... So I never mentioned Medha.. or my daughter... But I never even mentioned a girlfriend... Or anything that might indicate that way... I let you cook your own story... Believe what you wanted so that when we finally talk I can see the reaction on your face...this.. reaction..."he said as embarassment spread over my face and he chuckled cutely as I hit his arm.
"You let me think of Medha as your girlfriend..."I said annoyed alittle at his stupid tricks. But it did work eventually so it clearly showed who much he knew me.
"I was trying really hard to maintain the distance between us but the very next day of the engagement... I got restless... I texted you... I told you that the hide and seek ends now... And it seemed like your aiyappa was trying to help me because Suddenly that day Alya decided that she wanted a destination wedding... Everything worked out... We came here... You came without your luggage... And your spoilt little miniature did not like the clothes she brought along..."he said but I was stuck on the part where he said he texted me.
"You texted me?"I asked remembering the creepy texts I'd recieved the previous morning.
"But I have your number and that wasn't it.."I muttered softly but loud enough for him to hear me and he did. He looked at me with his infamous smirk.
"So.. you... Had.. my number?"he asked looking at me side ways and I rolled my eyes.
"I have everyone's number... To avoid any creepy text encounter like this one..."I retorted trying to bring about nonchalant self to surface. He cringed and I failed.
"Excuse me? Creepy ?"he asked a little offended.
"Obviously... Texting from an unknown number.. Calling me beautiful and flirting with me... Early in the morning... Mentioning that I was single... It was a stalker vibe..."I said and he giggled.
"I wouldn't mind being your stalker.."he said and I rolled my eyes. This flirty Manik was new to me. Not like he never flirted with me but this was for good. He was genuinely flirting with me and his eyes told me that there was honesty in his flirting.
"Yeah no that's my business account... That number is for dealing with business matters and I somehow had a feeling that you would still have my number... Or I'd say... I was giving myself the benefit of doubt that I still mattered to you... So yeah... You couldn't get your luggage and you needed clothes
And your spoilt little miniature did not like the clothes she brought along... So while I was planning to go shop for you Mukti told me that I had to shop for her too... I was glad... It added to the whole drama..."he remembered the events from the previous day.
"So I just mentioned you as the mother of whoever you thought Medha was to me... I did not lie there too... I had to shop for her... My daughter.. and for her mother too" he clarified and I mentally slapped my forehead at the Theory that I had all this while. It wasn't because misunderstood Manik about having a new girlfriend, it was about calling my daughter Her own father's girlfriend, theoretically.
"Do you even know... This girl... Usne abhi kapde khareede...like just a few weeks back... All those fancy dresses you girls like and kal she didn't like evem one of those..."he ranted adorably.
"It reminded me of the day when your dad a had a function at home and you were in your room sitting in the pile of your clothes... Not to mention some of the newest clothes... But you said you didn't have anything to wear... And I'd left you to deal with it..."he paused and I remembered that day too.
"It was a weird day... Nobody knew of my crisis at hand except you... Because I hadn't told mom dad because I knew I would be lectured about 'abhi toh itne kapde liye the...' and then suddenly an hour later a stylist came around with an amazing collection... She said she was dad's stylist but she wasn't... I knew all of mom dad's stylist... I had asked her but she never told me anything..."I reminisced as I looked at Manik. His expressions changed as he looked down at my hands still  holding his and it struck me.
"It was you... Vo tumhari stylist thi... Tumne usse bheja tha..."I spoke in a surprised tone and he smiled a little.
"As adorable as you looked... Annoyed.. fighting with your own clothes... It was torturous to see you so helpless... I never knew what I felt or why I felt what I felt but I could never see you struggling for such small things... The helpless expressions on your face always made me want to just do something to make things right.. to make you happy... To see you smiling again... I always thought that maybe because you were my bestfriend I wanted to see you happy... But well it was always more than that... I not only wanted to see you happy... I wanted to be the reason why you were happy.. I wanted to be the reason for your smile... I always wanted to take away everything that troubled you... Just couldn't take myself away from you..."he muttered the last line softly and I felt sorry for how he felt.
"So yeah... This is it... That's the story... That's the last one year of me trying to pay for what I did... Although Nothin can make any of what I did right... Because I've been such a jerk that it'll probably take me a life time of punishment to compensate for all that I've done to you... Nandini I'm extremely sorry for being such pain to you... For always hurting you... For putting the burden of emotional unavailability on you... I hate myself for everything... And I would understand if you hate me too... It's okay... If you don't want to forgive me... If you want to walk out of here... If after this wedding you want to go back... Away from me... I'll understand... And I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do... And I wouldn't forcd myself or Medha on you... And yes Medha would never be the reason or the leverage I'll ever hold over you... You can always come meet her... She'll always be our daughter.. yours and mine... But she's not the reason that I would ask you or want you or force you to stay... What you want to do Is and will Always be absolutely your decision and I will respect it..."he said it almost like in ine breath while I sat there unable to comprehend. I wasn't ready for this. I hadn't thought about what I wanted. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't even know if I had forgiven him or not. All of it seemed to be happening so fast that I hardly had any time to process it. Probably this was why I was avoiding a confrontation because that meant that I had to takena decision. I had to make a choice and either give both of us a final closure or givr us a second chance. But at the moment I don't think I'm ready for either.
"Manik... I..."my brain didn't seem to be working as I tried to form some words.
"I.."I didn't know what I was going to say. I hadn't processed all of the recap as yet and now I had to make decision. I needed time. To think about everything. I needed time before I decided what I wanted. Or Maybe I wanted time to process and put behind and start over.
"I don't know.." I finally replied and in a swift moment got up and left.