I Love You to Bits!

Chapter 1

But me and my husband

We're doing better

It's always been just him and me

Together

"Me and My Husband" played in the background as the tip tap of my keyboard filled the room, Mitski's voice drifting through my ears. The familiar navy blue screen flooded through my vision as I hit enter on my keyboard. I layed on my stomach on my bed with the computer directly in front of me.

I stared at the post that had shown up on my feed having entered the site, what a perfect way to describe how I feel. "you're always there whether you realize it or not. in the crease of my eyes when i smile, my laugh, my movements, my heart, my soul, my world. thank you." I've been called obsessive for feeling this type of way about him. I only love him as much as he deserves. Thankfully I have company that won't call me strange for love. These people all seem to think the same way about their "special person" as they call them as I do him. Their lovers just don't seem all that great compared to what could be considered my own. But I'm sure all people feel others will never compare to their lover as well, it's only natural.

My mouse hovered over the pencil icon on the top right corner of the screen, clicking from muscle memory. This was the routine. This was right. My fingers danced across the keyboard once more.

"My love, I can never express how much I care for you. My darling, my sweetheart, mine, mine. Seeing you every day is so wonderful. Walking down the halls with so much accidental grace, you're lovely and you don't even try. Nobody seems to notice you, but that's just fine my dear. My gaze should be enough to hold you high as you need. Do not drown in this crowd for I am your raft, your shore, and your love. Everyday is heaven when you are here. <3"

I tagged the post, #lovesick, #yandere, #lovecore, #actuallyOCD, etc. I'm not actually lovesick or yandere, but it's the best way to get my post across to the best audience. These people understand. Unfortunately trolls don't seem to get that I'm actually normal and simply blogging and come to my posts to criticize me. I guess it comes with the territory of being so popular on tumblr, especially in such 'problematic' tags, but how much of a loser do you have to be to purposely seek out people to hate on? I don't care much anyways it's not like I need their validation, it's purely annoying.

My fingers tap against the side of the keyboard where no keys will be touched. Three taps with my ring finger with a beat in between. I check the post almost religiously for spelling errors. My eyes scan over the text, right to left I read it twice, then left to right to see if I catch anything. The small and consistent taps of my finger continue in the background. I barely notice I'm doing it until my mom walks in the room.

"Caleb I was calling your name did you not hear-" she pauses noticing my hand, "What are you all worked up about."

I shrug nonchalant, "Nothing big." That's a lie. The taps are absolutely necessary, so is the checking. If I don't tap while I check I'll miss grammar mistakes, and if I miss grammar mistakes not only will I look like a fool but then everyone will misunderstand and think I'm acting out of line by my word choice. I don't want to come off the wrong way. Perception is everything.

It's the same thing with the posting. I come home from school, do my homework for 3 hours, then I write a post for my blog. If I miss a single day something bad will happen. I just know it will, I can feel it in the way that my body aches when I do it wrong. My therapist called these thought delusions or cognitive distortions. She doesn't understand what it feels like to have your skin try to tear itself off of your body in discomfort whenever you do the "rituals", as she called them, wrong. I don't go to therapy anymore. She kept trying to make me stop or change my rituals, it hurt to listen to her. The first time I tried it I ended up panicking later that night and had an asthma attack. My therapist is lucky my mom got there in time. I don't change my rituals anymore unless absolutely necessary.

My mom still seems worried, unconvinced. She's almost always unconvinced with me now. Her eyes carry heavy bags underneath from worry, blonde hair pulled into a bun that's beginning to fall apart after a long day. Baby blue eyes mirror my own as she attempts to stare into my soul. She scans my gaze before finally dropping her tense expression.

"Dinner is on the table dear, that's what I came up here to tell you."

I close my computer and sit up properly on my bed before sliding off of it. "Ok," I say, "What are we having?"

"Food." She grins, she must think she's so funny. Good thing she is. I roll my eyes with a grin and go to walk out the door with her. Before I leave I tap the left side of the door frame with my pointer and middle fingers five times, flip the light switch 3, tap the door frame five more times. If I don't, mom will die, I don't want mom to die. It just feels wrong not to do so.

She doesn't seem to mind that. I'm glad she trusts me, I'm fine. For the most part, I am fine. Sure sometimes things really mess me up but that's only when I do my routine incorrectly. My OCD isn't that bad compared to others. I was told my subtypes of OCD are most likely "harm OCD" and "just right OCD". Harm OCD is supposed to be the obsession with wondering if you have or will harm someone and the compulsion is checking to make sure you didn't or hiding away dangerous objects. Just right OCD means that I have to do things in the way that feels just right or I have to get rid of it entirely. I haven't bothered looking into it too much since it's not a big deal really. As long as I am able to do my little routine and finish tasks the way I plan to then things are mostly ok. I'm not all that scared about harming myself or others. Of course a son checking his mothers room to make sure she's alive anytime he wakes up in the middle of the night isn't exactly normal, but it's not negative so there shouldn't be an issue. People are just overreacting to it. Everyone is worried about hurting someone they care about in some way. Almost everyone dislikes sudden change too.

Walking down the steps following behind my mother, staring at the back of her blue scrubs, we arrive down into the kitchen. Two dark oak stools by our granite island. There's no need to have an entire dinner table when there's only two people in your household. Everything is right. Everything feels just right.