My Saviour

blonde

TW: talk of suicide and self harm.

exhausted. that's the only word i could use to describe how i felt.

absolutely weak and tired.

after my 15 minute long panic attack at lunch i finally calmed down and fixed myself up like absolute nothing happened.

luckily no one came into the bathroom and no one knew about what happened.

i went along with my last two periods like nothing happened. like i was the most normal person in the world, just had to really use the bathroom, that's all.

"cmon, Ace should be waiting for us outside," i hear a voice from next to me.

i snap my head to them, Finn stood over me, his hand on my shoulder. please get off of me. i can't deal with body contact right now. i don't say that though or even show that his touching me fucked with my head. i just nodded and got up, following him out of class and through the entrance to the parking lot.

we get to all their cars parked together, jake leaning on one of them, cigarette in hand. i decide to sit on the hood of the car he was leaning on and Finn stood across us. i keep my eyes down as they have a conversation or more like an argument, feeling all the glares and stares from people walking by, some greeting Finn and Jake, and some girls stopping by flirting with them.

through all of that i keep my eyes to the ground, hoping if i look at it hard enough it will open up and swallow me whole, ending my misery.

"bro break up with katy man, she's a.."
Finn stops mid sentence probably due to Jake sending a glare, "she's a bitch man," he still carries on, "i mean come on, you heard what she said to hayley," he points out.

leave it.

i feel someone poke me, reluctantly i look up at Jake, "did it bother you?" stupid fucking question.

"bro what type of question is that? she spoke to her in such a cruel demeanour man." Finn furrows his brows.

Jake sends me a small frown and sighs, "that was stupid to ask, i'm sorry. we also probably should have said something when chloe clicked at you."

"but you guys didn't." i look at both of them, "there's no point in worrying about the should haves." i take a massive inhale from my cigarette.

they look at each other, sharing a look of guilt, "we're not even friends, i barely know you guys and you guys barely know me so stop with the guilty faces." i harshly tell the truth.

they clench their jaws, but they know what i said is the truth and a deafening silence fills the air between us.

"slut." that breaks the silence. i'm so sick of these words being thrown at me. i'm actually seconds away from killing myself.

"going for ace now both of them," it was chloe and katy, "how desperate." they give me disgusted looks.

i stay silent, composing myself, scared that if i say something back they might hear the
cracking in my voice, that will just be something else they could use against me.

how defenceless am i? i punch a random girl this morning but here? nothing. i let her degrade me. i feel that weak little girl i used to be. such a pushover who did as they were told.

"shut the fuck up yeah? they only sluts here are you guys." Finn pipes in, they furrow their brows at him, "why are you defending someone as ugly as her, have your standards slipped?" she coos Finn.

he clenches his jaw glancing at me and back at her.

i was too tired to say anything to her, i was too tired to even breath.