Random Review Saga

Wolf

After all the times together, I can't believe I haven't yet reviewed this wonderful specimen. It has been my closest ally over the years, saving my life multiple times. He has been awarded all manner of prizes for his achievement, but never accepted a single one. He has solved many a dilemma, for instance world peace, world hunger, and Global Warming. I am, of course, talking about the little kinder egg toy wolf thing.


First, I will describe the origin story of the furry fellow. It was a sunny day (or not, can't remember) on a Tuesday, and the 3 great adventurers were pilgrimaging to Tesco, in search of sweets. My comrades were in search of some Pick and Mix, whereas I had a different goal in mind: to find a Kinder Egg. Shortly after our arrival at our destination, I hurried and scurried off to find my treasure, and sure enough, I did (I also got some other stuff, but that is irrelevant, and inferior to Ferrero products). I made payment for my goods, and prepared to enjoy them.


Before I knew it, the chocolate was already gone, but I still has the prize inside to receive. Hastily, I unfastened the egg, and exposed the toy to the air, and my eager gaze. My anticipation was not unfounded, as inside would be- but I didn't know it yet- a well appreciated individual. It came in 3 separate parts: the 2 legs and the head. I attached the sections, and admired the beast in my hand. Its fur was grey like a stormy cloud, its eyes were more piercing than the Gruffalo, and it teeth, if they were visible, would be sharper than knives which had been sharpened to super-sharpness. Moreover, its head had an incredible mechanism, which allowed the head to move upwards and downwards, and vice versa. When it was first discovered, it left everyone in awe, and I knew that this was truly the peak of play features.

The model also has a great texture to it, as it jagged, yet smooth simultaneously. The legs are positioned in a pose which strikes fear in the hearts of any that oppose, and he asserts dominance on all that have the pleasure of being in his presence. There also exists on his rear a bushy tail, which could be a special tail buttplug, but it is unlikely, and I would assume it is natural. Behind and underneath the tail there is also a hole, which one could theorise was some sort of excretion device, perhaps so named something anally. However, I would not lower myself to such abhorrent subjects, as my humour exceeds the boundary of just "haha, poopoo funny, lol lol farty bum bum *trump* lmfffao oh shit heart attck ow it hurts oops never mind false alarm I was just laughing to hard at poopee poopy turd omgosh ahahaha oh fuck I just died". The ears of the collector's item are also quite pointy, but not sharp enough to make an incision. This could possibly make this a reasonably good massage device, if you rubbed it against yourself. Then again, probably not, that seems like just a rubbish idea. He does have some fluffy cheeks though.

My wolfie also seems to be a homework charm, and whenever I have an assignment to complete, he is there to help with my learning. Also if I become really stuck on something, he even speaks to me, and lends my a paw. I've also been carrying him around for the last couple of weeks and I'm still alive, which could be seen as a coincidence, but as Master Oogway said, "There are no coincidences", and then he died. Although, with some research, apparently he didn't say that, and he said "There are no accidents".


Overall, I don't think anyone can deny that it is a majestic creature. Its prowess is astonishing, and we could all learn a lot from him. I do enjoy having my owolf, it is quite fun. I guess I just need to take good care of it, and all will be fine. As the saying goes, "take care of your Kinder Egg wolf toy, and before long you will have a wallet-crippling Kinder egg addiction, like year 7 all over again". I already have a box full of kinder egg toys, so I probably shouldn't get any more. On the other hand, it's quite a cool thing, therefore next week with the sequel, I hope to not get a shit one. Possibly I could get another wolf, then they can mate and I can have infinite wolves, although I guess late down the line they might end up being deformed. I was also thinking of also covering the app today, but that could be saved for another day. Also the new pear too, I still need to eat that.