Darker And Colder

3.08: Better To Try

Date: 17th Jan
Chapter 40
Peeta's POV

They have brought Willow to me alot these past two weeks; everyday, actually. And they're right - she is calming. Today- a Friday apparently, in the middle of January, not that it matters at the moment anyway- they want to test me again. They did this last week too.

Willow is smiling, reaching up at me.

"Doesn't her mom and dad miss her?" I ask.

The doctor smiles. "Her mom and dad are fine with it. Well, her dad can't exactly give too much of an opinion, but from what we can tell he is and it's the mom's choice really. Their situation... is complicated."

"Oh... Okay," I nod.

"I guess at the moment, you're sort of her dad," he says.

Willow giggles a little as I smile down at her. "Someone is happy today."

"So, can we ask you some questions now?" The doctor asks.

"Sure."

He flicks through his clipboard. "So, could you explain the events of the first games?"

"Um, yeah," I answer, after pausing for a minute, "well, I remember Katniss's sister, Prim, was reaped and Katniss volunteered. We went on the train, showed Haymitch that we could be fighters and Haymitch told me to say in the Interviews that I loved her, so I did. I mean, I didn't actually love her, really, but I said it. We went in the games. The rest is on tape."

He begins to write this down. "Peeta, this has changed from your original story. Could you explain how, if you can?"

"Well, I thought she threw a knife aimed at me... but it seems... shiny. Man-made. It isn't like a normal memory. I realised that it wasn't what happened."

"Okay. Peeta, we have come to the conclusion that your memories that have been changed, we can't exactly do anything about those. But we are going to have to put you in surgery. It seems that there is an instrument in your arm that is steadily injecting more venom. The memories that haven't changed, but been lost... those, we can save. By taking the chip out. You understand?"

"Yes," I say hesitantly. "When... when's the surgery?"

"Hopefully today. Is that okay?"

It takes all my effort to swallow.

◇◇◇

Katniss's POV

Only as he is being sedated am I told that Peeta is going into surgery. Apparently there is a microchip in his arm that is producing a steady stream of tracker jacker venom. If they can get it out, any hidden memories that haven't been changed can be revived.

I hold Willow whilst I stand outside the glass wall of the operating theatre. I am staring intently in to see he's okay, but someone pulls the blind so I can't see.

After a few minutes I end up sat in the waiting room. "What do you think of your Father, Willow? He's getting better right?" Tears escape the corners of my eyes. "Please say he's okay. Please..."

◇◇◇

Haymitch's POV

The girl is crying. I think the baby is asleep. I don't know why us broken people congregate together, or how, but we do. Like a great big sadness magnet.

The long sleeves of the girl's oversized grey shirt are pushed up her arms. They must have given her the standard issue clothing, despite her only being two thirds of the normal height for other girls coming up to 18. They are drawn to the elbow. That part of her arm is normally covered, so it's a surprise to see the olive skin out of its prison of cloth. When I focus carefully, I can see some thin lines on her arm. Some are pale. Others are bright pink or red. So her PTSD has gone further than everyone thought. It probably isn't just PTSD anymore. There aren't any words strong enough for what she has had to go through.

Her hair is matted, barely scraped together into the braid. I sit down next to her and rest my arm on her shoulder. "He's gonna be okay," I say. There isn't any guarantee he will be though. He is on an operating table. There is any chance that something will go wrong, and if it does they won't be able to fix it. This isn't the Capitol.

Before he went in, they briefed me on the risks (of which there were a lot), but I don't think it would be any better to leave him- at least this way he has a chance of getting better.

If the chip was left in him, then it would keep injecting the concentrated venom. It would completely rewrite his personality. He would be gone.

With taking it out, they may save his memories- well, some of them at least. And that could be enough to get him back. But... of course there is a great big BUT. Stopping people from their lives. A careful balancing point. It is entirely possible some normal surgery concerns could happen- he could stop breathing, lose too much blood, get infected. And there's the exclusive concerns. When he wakes, more of his memories could be changed. It could go back to square one.

But it's better to try.

"What if I never see him again?" She says. Her voice is small; vulnerable. "Like I never saw Silas? I never even got to tell Peeta his name. He was born and then he was dead. It's all my fault."

Silas. I remember the name- it's short for Silvanus. The roman god of the forest.

It takes a while to remember where the name came from. He was my best friend. The Capitol killed him.

"I'm sorry." It's not nearly enough, but there's this unspoken rule between us of what sorry really means. It expresses our pain of not being able to help one another. It's a promise, that hopefully one day we can make up for the other's loss. Because there is no way to help. And that's not okay. But we have to let it go.