Section F: Fairy Tales & Physicists

Interlude

"I say. You there. Yes, you. The muddy fellow grubbing about in the dirt. Tell me, peasant—"

"Begging your pardon, Your Highness, but I'm a gardener."

"What?"

"I'm not a peasant, see. I'm a gardener."

"Well, I hardly see what difference that makes. In any case, tell me—"

"Not just any gardener, mind you. I'm only the head-gardener. In charge of all the palace's gardening staff. Y'know, all the lawn-keepers, hedge-trimmers, horticulturists, landscapers—"

"Yes, yes, very impressive, I'm sure. A pity your staffing doesn't seem to extend to a manicurist or a laundress. Now, shut your feculent face, there's a good fellow and tell me whether you've seen my wife about. I want to show her my new cravat and I simply can't find her anywhere in the palace."

"The young princess? Indeed I have, Your Highness. She came by earlier this morning. 'Hello, Durk,' she called out as she strolled past. That being my name, see. No mention of peasants, whatsoever. In fact, she even complimented my periwinkles."

"Complimented your periwinkles? Complimented your periwinkles? Dem your impertinence, you lowly bumpkin, flirting with the royal personage of my wife like that. If you dare to wave your periwinkles at her again, I'll dem well have them removed with a rusty axe. For shame."

"Ha-ha, periwinkles are flowers, Your Highness. She complimented my flowers."

"Flowers? Oh, I see. Ah, yes. Yes, of course. Obviously, I knew that."

"Oh, I don't doubt it, Your Highness. Yes, the young lass often stops to admire the blooms as she goes by on one of her walks. She's been spending a quite a bit of time out here lately."

"Yes, I know she has. It's most baffling. I provide her with every luxury, a veritable battalion of ladies-in-waiting and all the embroidery and cake she could possibly want, yet she's forever poking about outside in the horrid sun and wind and fresh air like some commoner. I just don't understand it. If she ruins her complexion, how in Gronce am I'm supposed to allow my princely countenance to rest benignly upon it? No consideration whatsoever."

"Well, perhaps she finds those activities a little less...stimulating than she could wish, Your Highness. Perhaps she's looking for something a tad more exciting. Take my wife, for example. Mrs Durk might be pretty handy at stitching and scones, but she's a positive fiend on the jousting field."

"Exciting? Oh, pish-posh. What nonsense. In addition to the embroidery, I spend hours—literally hours—expounding to Emberlotta on my generosity, my wisdom, my regal nature and her remarkable good fortune in having me for her husband. Not to mention my plans to improve the lot of the common folk, once I am king. Preferably while staying as far away from them as possible. The common folk are a rather odorous lot, I find. And then, of course, I also regale her with tales of my feats of derring-do. What could be more exciting than that?"

"Derring-do, Your Highness? Gronce hasn't been to war since I were but a lad. What feats might they be?"

"Why, feats of derring I'm going to do, of course. Please try to keep up, dear fellow. Honestly, it's like conversing with a dem pumpkin. There'll be no shortage of opportunities for audacity and valour once I convince Mumsy to let me raise an army, so I can launch my grand scheme to enforce Gronce's peace and prosperity on the neighbouring kingdoms. Yes, then we shall see who's nothing but a foppish layabout waste-of-space, with more shoe-buckles than brain cells."

"Uh, I should think most of the places round about Gronce already have a goodly supply of their own peace and prosperity, Your Highness. They may not take kindly to a dose of ours."

"Oh, no doubt. Hence the army. Which incidentally ties into my aforementioned plan to improve the lot of the lower classes. Yes, there'll be a sword, a sausage and a salute for every pauper and peasant and filth-covered ne'er-do-well with the good sense to join my ranks. You might think of signing up yourself, old boy. We'll stab and slap and poke those dem savages until they see we come in peace. It's the least we can do for the poor souls."

"Um—"

"But do you think Emberlotta is interested in all that? Not a bit of it. Do you know, the other day she actually yawned while I was speaking? Yes, an honest-to-goodness, open-mouthed, tonsils-on-display-to-the-world yawn. In the presence of me, her prince and husband. Shocking, isn't it?"

"Yes, Your Highness, very shocking. But, you know, perhaps from time to time, just occasionally—to spice things up a little and add a smidge of variety—you might consider listening to what young Princess Emberlotta has to say."

"What? Whatever do you mean?"

"You know—to find out a little more about the lass. What she wants. What her hopes and dreams are. What she's thinking."

"What she's thinking? No, sorry. Not with you there at all, old fellow. In any case, I wouldn't even mind it all so much, if she showed a little more enthusiasm for her conjugal duties. After all, it's not every girl has the opportunity to share the prince's bedchamber."

"I—"

"Oh, many of them have shared it, I grant you. Many, many. More than I could count, I'm sure, even if that dem maths tutor of mine hadn't spent so much of his time drunk or in tears or quite often both. But Emberlotta? If it's not headaches one night, it's I'm-too-tired the next. You know, sometimes I can't help but wonder whether I might have been better off with one of her step-sisters."

"But surely—"

"Now, there's a couple of wenches who appreciate a little princely attention between the sheets. Oh, I admit they don't have Emberlotta's aesthetic qualities—after all, who does? But one doesn't look at the mantelpiece while one's poking the fire, does one?"

"Uh—"

"Of course one doesn't. I don't know, sometimes I wonder whether the dem girl needs spectacles. I mean, one look at me and it's usually swoon-city. I've got the complete package—a cape, a codpiece and a crown. What more could any wench want?"

"Well...yes. You do cut a rather...princely figure, Your Highness, it's true."

"True? It's dem well undeniable. And yet here I am, traipsing about in the wilderness—"

"Wilderness? It's not a week since I had the rose bushes pruned."

"Oh, hush. Traipsing about in the wilderness, wasting my valuable time looking for a slip of a girl just so I can impress her with this wretched cravat."

"Well, it is a rather nice cravat, Your Highness."

"Really? Do you think so?"

"Oh, yes. It balances out your receding jawline, just so."

"Yes. Yes, it does, rather, doesn't it?"

"No doubt about it, Your Highness. If I weren't a man, and a happily married one at that, I might well be swooning myself."

"Oh, never let being married worry you. It doesn't me. Much less being a man, for that matter. But there's no time for that now. I think you may have just solved the conundrum."

"I have, Your Highness?"

"Yes, indeed. You see, if even a grotty, muck-covered, unappealing oik such as yourself can barely resist my charms, then imagine the affect they must have on the princess. It's quite clear she's overstimulated."

"Well—"

"It's the only possible explanation. It's all been too much for a simple girl of her humble origins. Her brain is too scrambled for her to appreciate her good fortune. I see now that the only viable solution is to remove all the excitement from her life until she can see sense again."

"I don't—"

"Yes, it's to be peace and quiet and monotony and tedium for the Princess Emberlotta from now on. Her immediate future will contain no prospect of any adventures whatsoever."

"Uh, if you say so, Your Highness."

"I do dem well say so. And what I say, goes. Now, go and give yourself a good hosing off, old fellow, and perhaps we'll see what we can do."