With a princess killer to catch, a host of fairy-tale characters to wrangle and a crumbling career to resurrect, fallen hotshot Agent Fields has his hands full. And that's before the case leads to a story-obsessed, dimension-hopping scientist, hellb...
"Jeez, Dad. That makes six we've lost now. Wild dogs, do you reckon?"
"That eat everything but the hooves?"
"Well, they could be really big wild dogs."
"And leave scorch-marks?"
"Ah...yeah. Hmm. You don't think...?"
"Think what, Son?"
"That the—you know—that the rumours might be true?"
"Rumours? Pfft. Son, in all my years as a cattleman, I've seen a lot of things. I've seen it so hot even the darned rocks crack open. I've seen it rain so hard you'd think the whole damn world is gonna drown. I've seen fires, I've seen storms and I've seen times so tough you can count every damn rib on every damn beast in the herd. Hmm, it's gettin' a might gusty out here, Son."
"Sure is, Dad. Gettin' dark, too."
"Strange. Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah—I've seen calves born with two heads, and I've seen plagues of locust that damn near blacked out the sky. I've seen eclipses and blood moons and sun dogs and I've seen nights so crystal clear you'd swear you could see all the way to heaven itself. But you know what I ain't never seen?"
"What's that, Dad?"
"I ain't never seen no damn dragon. And if ever I do, I swear I'll eat my damn hat."
"Really? Probably best you don't turn around, then. At least, not unless you've brought some cutlery, and perhaps your favourite sauce."
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"Welcome back, listeners. I'm your host, Astrid Purlingbrook, and this is the Natural Health Hour. Next up we have a very special guest for you. Brianna Goodspell is an exciting new practitioner, whose refreshing insights into naturopathy and herbal medicine are really shaking up the world of alternative medicine. Brianna, thank you for joining us here in the studio."
"Us? Who's us, sunshine?"
"Why, myself and the listeners, of course."
"Listeners? Ri-i-i-i-ight. Tell me, lassie, do you often speak to people who ain't here?"
"Why, of course, Brianna. Every day."
"Really? Deary me. Hmm, let's see what I've got in my bag of tricks here. Aha, this should work a treat. Get some of this into you, my girl."
"Oh my goodness, one of your renowned herbal concoctions, sought after by both the rich and the famous. Is this really for me?"
"Too right, girly. Down the hatch. It'll soon sort you out."
"My, it certainly has an...interesting flavour. Is it some sort of restorative? An aid to digestion? Will it help with the alignment of my chakras?"
"Hmm? Oh yeah, all that stuff. It'll take care of those listeners in your noggin, too. That's a new one to me, I gotta say. Voices in the head, they're a dime-a-dozen. But listeners? That's a doozy."
"Ha-ha, Brianna—oh, you're such a card. Now, tell me, my dear...oh...oh, my goodness. Tell me...bwerp. Oh, pardon me. Oh...oh, dear. Ooh, my stomach."
"Kicking in, is it? Nice."
"I...I...bwaaaa-eeeerrrp. Sweet mother of...excuse me, listeners. I...I...have to go."
"Yeah, I reckon you probably do. Off you go, girly. You'll soon be be shot of those listeners. They'll come squirting right out, along with all—"
"We regret to inform our listeners that we are experiencing technical difficulties. Station management apologises for the inconvenience. While we work to restore normal service, please enjoy some light music."
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"Right, you horrible vermin, form a line! You over there, shut your face. And you, tuck in that shirt. And as for you—you call that a haircut? I call it a disgrace! What the hell is the academy coming to, letting in scruffy no-hopers like you lot? I weep for the future, I tell you. Weep!
"Now, it is my thankless task to attempt to teach you disasters at least the basics of hand-to-hand combat. A thankless and I suspect quite likely fruitless task. Nevertheless, as the academy is paying me to undertake said task, I am contractually obligated to at least make the attempt, despite what my better judgement might tell me. Let's get started, so we can end this sorry charade as quickly as bloody possible.
"I need a volunteer. Anybody? Anybody? Only the one, huh? Good for you, young lady. Way to get the public humiliation out of the way nice and early. Righto, Blondie—front and centre.
"Hmm, not a lot of you, is there? Okay, let's start with some basic self-defence. Let's pretend you're walking down a dark alleyway. You're all alone. It's late. Sirens are wailing, off in the distance. Suddenly, I jump out of the shadows. I'm going to grab you. You need to stop me. What are you gonna—oof!"
"How was that, my good man? I do hope it was satisfactory. I must say, my attempt to stop you appears to have been successful."
"In the codpiece? Indeed I did. I find it answers most remarkably well when dealing with troublesome men. Should you like another demonstration? The rest of the class may find it elucidating."
