the diary of my hidden heart

page 2.

do you remember me?

you haven't spoken to me in a while.

out of everyone else, you speak to me most even though i barely reply.

i want to.

i just couldn't bring myself to.

today you noticed my hair.

you went up to me at my locker and you smiled and asked, "did you cut your hair? it looks shorter."

i was prepared for you to say it looked uneven but you never did.

i cut my hair all the time.

when i ran out of room, i bring my bloody and cut up arm up to cut my hair.

i bleach it and bleach it and cut it and cut it until i have brown and white hair with uneven ends.

nobody noticed.

you barely did.

you told me the white was pretty and so i didn't want to stop.

at lunch, i hide out in the bathrooms. you all asked me to sit with you since the day i got adopted and transferred to this school but i always declined.

do you know what i do in the bathroom?

you ask me if i had ate at the end of the day alongside will.

i would reply, "yes. yes i did. a lot, actually."

does alcohol and vaping count? because that's all i do.

you see me run out of the classroom and i would head for the toilets.

i would pull out a bottle of vodka and though i tell myself, "one sip," i end up taking ten.

i tell myself "one hit," but i end up taking ten.

i noticed your new girlfriend. she looks nothing like me. with her blonde hair and skinny legs and flat stomach, i knew i'd never live up to her.

you ask me why i where long sleeves and pants. i answer that i get cold easily.

what would you do when you found out how broken and destroyed i looked and was?

i bet you'd run the other way.

is that why you stopped talking to me?

because i was not like them?

i had warned myself this would happen but please, tell me why you stopped caring for me.

you all look so happy.. so pretty.. i'm afraid i'll bring you all down.

so the answer is my heart.

i left you all because of my hidden heart.