the diary of my hidden heart

page 7.

you hung with me for no reason. before i made my way to the bathroom, you held onto my wrist and didn't let me go.

i winced because i cut too much.

you let go. full of concern.

and i wanted was to disappear because i hated that you were pitying me so damn much.

"i'm so sorry, are you okay?" you asked me.

i was not okay. i was far from okay.

"i was going to ask if you wanted to eat lunch with me. don't worry, it'll be just me." i remember you had said.

i almost smiled because you seemed like you actually wanted to spend time with me.

but i thought it was a lie. why would you want to spend time with me?

so i declined.

and your smile dropped.

why did it?

you asked out of pity.

you reassured me that it wasn't out of pity like you could read my mind.

but i couldn't bring myself to believe it.

so you said that i should give you a chance to prove it.

and i did.

which is why we ended up at the diner.

and somehow you noticed the scar around my neck.

and since you already knew. i told you, "it was from when i tried to hang myself."

from when? you didn't need to know.

i tried to smile. i tried to laugh. i tried to assure you that i was fine.

but i couldn't keep up with it. i had to leave.

i'm sorry i didn't tell you why. you looked like you thought you did something wrong.

no, love. you didn't.

it was all me.

eventually again, i ended up at the cliff. doing the things i adore but the things people would fear for me.

with my legs hung over the edge, i chopped off my hair before i switched and dangled my head off the edge instead.

it felt so good.

i felt so close to death.

vaping like that was so good as well.

the next day when you asked me where i went, i told you i had to be alone.

did you believe it? yes. did you look at me worried? yes.

you told me you wanted to spend time with me again.

asked if i was free after school.

i said no.

you asked, "really?"

and i lied and said i had to do something in the library, thinking you would leave me alone.

but you didn't. you said you'd walk me. stay with me.

i couldn't get out of it. i couldn't.

and when we arrived. i pulled out my work and just did my homework.

somehow you stayed. stayed till i finished my work and asked again, "so are you free now?"

why are you like this? why all of sudden after leaving me for a year, you're acting like you care?

but i fell for it anyways.

i said, "yes." then we went out to the park together.

i thought you finally cared for me. i put my guard down and i accepted it until you told me, "i have to go. i got a date."

i knew it.

i'd never stand a chance.