the diary of my hidden heart

page 6.

overdose.

i overdosed.

and you all were there when i awoke in the hospital.

all concerned faces as you looked me in the eye.

i turned away, back to you all because i couldn't bear to look at you.

i didn't want you to know.

when the doctor came in, they announced that my heart was failing. that i was not eating enough. that i cut too much. that i drank and smoked too much.

why did he announce that to the room?

so i got up and left.

i didn't have an iv anyways.

you ran after me. i was sobbing. because you had found out.

you tried to hug me, i pushed you away as i cried. the doctor came out after me and i did the unthinkable.

i slapped him across the face.

because who was he to tell it to the room?

who was he?

you pulled me back from him and i dropped to the floor crying.

i told you to get away from me as i buried my head into my bent knees and sobbed into them uncontrollably.

who was he to tell you all?

hopper took me home.

i skipped school for a week but you came to my house for the full 5 days to see if i would have went to school.

but i didn't.

i stayed home. i stayed in my room. and i destroyed my body more and more.

till eventually i went to school the following week. hood off for the first time.

and people stared out. people stared at my whiter layers of hair. my shorter ends. but i didn't care.

i headed for my locker, i took my books and i took a hit of my vape in secret to soothe my anxiety.

until i couldn't take it anymore and i ran towards the bathroom. i sat down in the stall like usual. i laid against the wall as i cried my heart out.

till i punched the walls, kicked the stall and banged my head back till i bled.

till i couldn't breathe.

till i ran away and to the cliff. and i dropped down to my knees and wished for it to end at that moment.

because i couldn't take it anymore.

and i took drugs. to get high. to forget. to numb the pain.

and then it hit me.

you will never ever love me.

you will never ever not look at me like that.

without pity.

so what's the point? i don't see it. i'm sorry, i don't.