always

Heather

Castiel hasn't told anyone.

But it's time.

He's leaving.

Returning to Heaven is not something he wants. He wants... Well, what he wants he cannot have. And his wants do not matter.

Things have been relatively calm after Chuck and Amara left. The angels contained Lucifer while he was out of a vessel. It probably won't last, but it's better than him being out.

And things have returned to normal. Or as normal as things will ever be.

Sam and Dean are continuing to Hunt. The day after Chuck and Amara left, Sam called a woman named Eileen. Dean explained to Castiel how the two "had chemistry" on a previous Hunt. Castiel met Eileen soon after and immediately liked her. She compliments Sam perfectly, and Castiel has never seen Sam this happy before. Hunting with Dean and Eileen has made Sam truly content with his life.

Dean's even met someone. Her name is Heather. And she is amazing.

They met her on a Hunt just over a month ago. Dean flirted with her, and she flirted right back. She has a brilliant smile and dark wavy hair. Her blue eyes sparkle whenever Dean tells a joke. She's been a Hunter almost as long as the Winchesters, and that makes it easy for Dean to relate to her. They actually have quite a lot in common; they like the same movies, they have the same taste in food, and they are great Hunters.

She's nothing like Castiel.

And Castiel is jealous.

But not in the bitter, envious way. He is jealous in a wistful sense. He can never have what she has with Dean, and he will never have the trust Dean gives her. He cannot hate her for it, but he wishes he has what she does.

Besides, Castiel isn't blind. He sees the way Dean looks at her. She makes him happy. Castiel cannot hate anything that makes Dean happy.

Castiel remembers when he didn't understand what the term "third-wheeling" meant and how it could possibly be a bad thing. He does now. But he supposes he is technically fifth-wheeling rather than third-wheeling since he is on the outside of two relationships.

And it's horrible.

He likes spending time with his friends. Dean, Sam, Eileen, and even Heather. They all get along well, and Castiel likes them. But there is (obviously) a bond between the couples that Castiel isn't a part of. And that's how it should be. But that means he often feels like the odd man out. Castiel tries his best to be happy for his friends. And he genuinely is. But every time he sees them kiss, especially Dean and Heather, it's a reminder that this is something Castiel doesn't have. And never will.

Castiel's only ever fallen in love with Dean, and now Dean has someone. Castiel knows he never had a shot with Dean; that was never in the realm of possibility. But Castiel knows he will never fall in love again. He's not quite sure how he knows—and sometimes he feels as if he's being dismissive of potential future love—but he cannot imagine anyone else doing to him what Dean does. And it hurts. Especially when he's constantly reminded by his friends' relationships how great having something like that with someone you love is. It's not on purpose; it's never on purpose. But it's a small reminder whenever he sees Sam and Eileen holding hands or Dean and Heather cuddling on the couch that he will never have those things. And that's fine. It is. It just makes Castiel sad sometimes. But he can manage that.

And Castiel isn't the third (or fifth) wheel all the time. Castiel hasn't ever had this much free time before. There is no looming apocalypse, and Castiel has spent his extra time to try and discover who he is. He travels around the country while the Winchesters Hunt. Sometimes he picks up odd jobs. Other times he sneaks into hospitals and heals people. And he occasionally finds a park and wanders around for the day.