Book of Cursed Ships

Harry x Draco x Hermione x Ron x Seamus - Harry Potter

Someone should take my computer away. Also, I think this is my first one shot in third person. There are few unacceptable moments in here... just be warned. It's nothing too bad, I promise. Please enjoy!

The Train of New Beginnings

CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOOO CHOOOOOOOO

"Blimey 'Arry look at that arseee!!!" Seamus squealed, caressing Harry's sweet Hawaiian buns.

"What the fuck Seamus, you know my buns only belong to one person, and it's not you." Harry punched Seamus in the throat. Seamus staggered back with a nasty cough, holding his throat with both hands.

"Adios, koala-face." Ron snickered as the trio walked off.

Harry sighed, exasperated. "Ron, I told you that's not how it works. You say 'see you later, alligator' or 'after a while, crocodile'. Not 'adios, koala-face'. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my entire life."

"Shut up, chicken hut," Ron mumbled, looking down at the floor. Hermione gave him a couple pats on the back out of sympathy, and the three entered the last empty compartment in the train.

"Your buns only belong to one person, eh?" Malfoy smirked, leaning against the door. He was always slithering out of some corner, appearing out of nowhere just to spread disease and spoiled yogurt to all that were unfortunate enough to cross paths with him.

"Get off my dick, Malfoy." Harry sat down. Today was not the day.

"No, no, I'm interested. Who do they belong to?"

Hermione stood up. "You're looking at her, arsehole."

"I'm looking at her arsehole? Jesus Harry, get your woman in check."

"For your information, I'm not his woman. We're lovers. People don't own each other. If you have something to say, say it to me directly. Anyway, don't you have a father to go whining to?" Hermione put her hands on her hips.

"Sick roast, Mimi," Ron cheered across from her. Harry rolled his eyes. He obviously had a thing for Harry's girlfriend. The fool. Hermione would never fall for a sad ginger rat like Ron, especially not when there was a perfectly good tall, dark, and handsome stud like Harry around.

"At least I have a father." Malfoy did five jumping jacks.

"RAWRRR" Harry screamed and jumping jacked into his groin.

"Rawrrr," Malfoy purred seductively. He was doubled over in pain. Harry reached down and took the boy's chin betwixt his fingers, angling his face towards his. He moved in closer, breathing his Hermione-scented breath onto the blond.

"You'll have two by the time I'm done with Lucious. Get ready to call me daddy," he whispered in his ear before shoving Malfoy out of the compartment and slamming the door shut.

Draco was too stunned to speak. All he was left with was a feeling, an animal instinct more like. He felt... feral. He wanted to shove open a window and howl at the moon. He wanted to scamper around like a horse girl, hissing at people who got too close. He wanted to bake enough cookies to feed a small mountain village filled with people who've probably never had chocolate in their entire life. The masculine urge to passionately burst out in The Swan Lake ballet, dancing all parts simultaneously, no intermission, was overwhelming.

With a frantic crab-walk, he made it to the Hogwarts Express Official Loo to throw up the rainbow sparkle cupcake he'd eaten for his pre-lunch snack. He should've known the chosen one would be dripping in irresistible pheromones. There was no doubt in Draco's mind that Harry was attracted to him as well. He'd seen it in the twinkle of Harry's left eye and felt it in his leg as Harry kicked him in the in-betweens. Draco was from a long line of wizards, but that was the moment he truly experienced magic for the first time. Pulling out his BTS diary, he began to formulate a plan to make Harry his.

Back in the Harry gang's compartment, Hermione snuggled up against Harry's chest. A book was in her hand, but her mind was on anything but the words on the page. Most people would freak out after seeing their absolute alpha of a boyfriend assert his dominance like that, but it just didn't do it for her. Hermione was not like other girls. She was the type who went for the underdog, someone more... like... Malfoy? No! It couldn't be that she was falling for her boyfriend's greatest rival... but there was something in the way his blond eyebrow curved upwards when he was making a snarky comment. Something in the way he kept his confidence even after losing a couple future generations. Something in the way rainbow sparkles fell off his thin lips as he spoke in poetic verse.

There was something to be said about the misogyny, but Hermione decided she would be the one to fix him. It would be worth it, for that interaction had awakened something dark in Granger that would only grow unless she was satiated.

Harry was having a great day. Finally, his crush had noticed him. The imprints of fingers on his cheeks still tingled from the morning. He replayed the moment a thousand times in his head and hid the blush on his face from Hermione with his hands. No one knew who to handle his thick fundament like Seamus. If only he had one of those pensieves that Dumbledoor had shown him, so he could capture the memory and keep it forever. Mental cheating wasn't cheating, right? Anyway, it's not like his affection for Seamus cancelled out his love for the girl on his lap. Feelings were confusing. Harry decided that love was multifaceted and made a mental note to do some research on polyamory in the Hogwarts Library.

    Ron was drowning in an indescribable sadness. No one loved him. Just his mum. Maybe it was time to move on from his unrequited love, Mimi-pants, and move on to a more reasonable target. He wondered if Seamus was single.