Between Then & Now || Currently Editing for Wattys 2022

38.

Gravel crunches beneath my feet. My eyes are swollen and my voice is gone and I am completely lost in the middle of a forest I don't even know the name of. My phone is dead, my feet fucking hurt, and I am exhausted.

The sky is beginning to lighten again, stars disappearing, another day of pretending like life is the best gift we could have been given as the day breaks over the horizon.

Another step.

Another step.

Another step.

Everyday until there are no more days.

I sneer at the sun breaking over the treetops. Fucking fantastic.

When I look ahead, back up at the trail, my eyes spot something white sticking up in the overgrown grass. I look a little closer, walking towards it.

Harney Peak Parking Lot → .3 mi.

A sigh of relief escapes my lips and I jog ahead, the sun slowly lighting the trail up more and more. I jog and I jog and I jog. My feet slide a bit underneath me but I regain my footing and jog further and further. Then I come to a screeching halt.

The eyes stare back at me.

White. Wide open. Dark brown in the middle. Dark flecks paint the face, a black nose outlined by white fur, eyes sticking straight up.

I stare at the deer, both of us standing frozen in time. Neither of us moves, each equally scared of the other. For a few seconds, the earth stands still again. No wind, no rustling of the leaves, no birds chirping.

Then, it takes a step forward. And another, stopping. 

I don't move. Then, I do. Stepping toward it.

It steps closer to me again. I, closer to it.

Atta girl, Lala. Gentle. Hold out a hand.

My hand slowly extends from my body, offering it out for the deer to sniff. It steps forward again, tilting its head at me, then lowers its black nose to my fingertips. For a few seconds, it just sniffs. Then, there's a rough, wet thing rubbing against my fingertips and I realize it's licked me.

It looks back up at me, and I slowly lower to a squat.

Slowly, Lalabel. You don't want to scare it away.

Painstakingly, I take my backpack off, reaching forward to pet the deer as we sit, eye to eye. It watches as I slowly unzip my bag, taking out the emergency dried apple slices. I open the ziploc bag and it continues to watch me. Pouring out a few slices into my hand, I hold it out again.

Still.

My hand is steady as the deer tentatively takes a slice from my open palm. It chews, backing away from me. Then it approaches my hand again, sniffing, and taking a few more slices into its mouth.

I remain still as it continues eating the slices out of my hand, and observe the deer. There are light flecks in its dark eyes, almost like stars. Each time it returns to my hand, its nose twitches. Slowly, each of the slices are eaten up, and I grab my backpack, standing up slowly. The deer moves its head along with me as I rise, swinging the backpack onto my back. I rub its head.

The deer stares back up at me, and takes a step alongside me as I pass it, heading back to the parking lot. I continue walking. The deer follows. Finally, I sigh, taking off my backpack again to see if I have anymore dried fruits or nuts. Finally, I find another ziploc bag of peanuts and take it out, scattering peanuts along the ground. With no voice left, I have no other way to scare it off or make it quit following after me.

I swing my backpack back on and continue again. There are no footsteps this time as I continue up the trail. When I get to the top of the hill next to the gate to the parking lot, though, I look back at the deer. And, for a moment, it picks its head up from the ground where it had been eating the food I left it. I nod at it and wave.

And I could swear it winks back at me before I turn around and walk out the gate into the parking lot, my van sitting at the end just where I left it.