Between Then & Now || Currently Editing for Wattys 2022

46.

I groan and roll over on the ringing phone, trying to shut it up. I don't care what time it is. I don't care who's calling this time. I just lay on it, muffling the damn noise until it goes away. And, then it rings again, and again, and again. Finally, I open my eyes, Thelma already standing over me, looking at me like why the hell aren't you answering that?

It's Jo. I squint my eyes at the screen, deciphering her name and groan again. Then, I pick up.

"Listen, Jo, I'm not crying myself to sleep over Dante. My dad just died, and, frankly, I could not fucking care less about a man I hung out with one time and kissed. He can make out with whoever he wants."

For a moment, the line is silent. And I wait for it because it's always sure to come. But... it doesn't.

"Where are you right now?"

"What?"

"Where. Are. You?"

I blink at the black space of my van. "Um, somewhere in Washington."

At first, Jo doesn't say anything. Then, "Why aren't you at home? With your family?"

I groan and rub my face. "Because I don't want to be. Because my mom lied about why my dad left twelve years ago. Because she's the reason I didn't get to say goodbye." The line is silent. "She asked me to come home but, honestly, I don't want to be anywhere around her right now. I just want to be alone."

A few seconds pass by. And a few more. Then, "Ola, I love that you are badass and independent enough to go on this road trip alone and to do life on your own. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met, and I'm so glad I got the chance to meet you, and I'm so, so sorry about what happened. But I think your mom's right." She pauses. I stare at the ceiling. "You cannot run from all of your problems."

I don't say anything, but, deep down, I know she's right. And I hate it.

"I know I never told you, but I actually went to West Virginia U for psychology. I also graduated this year–I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it around Dante." Another pause and I can tell she winces about bringing up his name. "Listen, I know this might not be what you want to hear right now, and I know I might just seem like another psychology major friend just trying to diagnose you instead of acknowledging their own problems. But grief is a powerful thing. I know it hurts and it feels like the hurt is never going to end. And I know you're angry and you're looking for someone to be angry with because you can't just be angry at nothing." She pauses again, and I don't say anything. "But no one can stop death. And no one can change the past. And the best thing that you can do for you right now is to be with people who love you and care about you being okay."

I still don't say anything, letting the darkness of the van devour me. 

"Just think about it. Okay?"

A few seconds pass by, and I still don't say anything. Then, "Okay."