This is How I Feel About You, Starlight | Seongjoong

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So.

Nothing is fine anymore, not even a bit, not at all.

Hongjoong acknowledges that now.

He has realised he's been losing his sanity and calm slowly for a while. The effort he makes to keep things under control has started to take its toll on him. Hongjoong feels like has been continuously trying to fix things but it only makes everything worse.

He has been avoiding Seonghwa again to stop this... madness from taking over himself because it is wrong. Falling for your member can be the biggest disaster an idol could experience. If the word goes out... It would be the end of everything, their dream, their hard work, the sleepless nights, the tears, the fears... And Hongjoong can't be the one who is responsible for this when he is supposed to lead them to greater things, no. Besides, he doesn't even know if Seonghwa is gay or has ever thought of him as anything else except his friend and their leader.

But the more he avoids Seonghwa now, he realises, the more shifts in the group's dynamics happen and that is a real invitation for disaster. He becomes cranky and snappy, Seonghwa becomes cold and hurt, the kids become nervous and restless, and eventually, fights happen. Even the company starts asking questions.

Everything has started to spiral down the drain just because Hongjoong realised he is in love with Seonghwa. And he can't let this ruin ATEEZ, no, he can't. Not when they have so much to achieve and they finally start getting the long deserved recognition.

Therefore, nothing is fine anymore.

But as a leader, it's Hongjoong's responsibility to make things better so he tries harder.

He swallows the bitter truth and feelings, he swallows his pride, he swallows his anger, and spends more sleepless nights to pull himself together. The shadows under his eyes deepen and the scary paranoid thoughts in his mind get stronger, but he manages to act as if nothing's going on and like all these months have been one single downride of his rollercoaster of emotions.

The company backs off. The kids seem relieved and go back to normal. Hongjoong keeps his professional and serious demeanour. So as Seonghwa. They do VLives. They make their comeback. They record varieties. And then... in one of those varieties, being caught off-guard in his tired and stressed state, Hongjoong just...

Slips.

"Is it true that matz don't have any celebrity friends except each other?"

Hongjoong gets ready to say yes with a strange mix of pride and longing when San opens his goddamn mouth.

"Yes but Seonghwa hyung got really courageous nowadays, he made lots of friends!"

And even though Hongjoong manages to keep his smile, he can't help how his head whips to his right to look at Seonghwa, and San glances at Hongjoong with a challenging expression that shows he did it on purpose. Hongjoong's so going to talk to him.

"Who is the friend whom you've met up with most recently?" comes the question.

Seonghwa glances at San and past the younger, his eyes briefly meet with Hongjoong's.

"Can I say it?" he looks around, shy and a bit panicked. Hongjoong feels a sting in his heart. He looks away, feeling eyes on himself and keeps his smile.

"Is there a situation where you can't meet other people?" Eunhyuk asks, delighted and eager.

Starting from his prime days in Super Junior, Eunhyuk has been known for liking these kinds of things; feelings reveal, relationships reveal, people squirming helplessly. He knows who is being shipped with who, and enjoys riling people and forcing them to reveal that they are special to each other in a deeper way. So the moment he sees that look on the man's face Hongjoong knows they are done for but it's too late now, he thinks. He looks at Seonghwa.