She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not (gxg)

Part 21

I was surprised that I opened up to Dani about Lauren as much as I did.

Lauren Sanders was typically a topic that I wanted to avoid. Why?

Because I still felt awful when I thought about her. I still questioned everything about me that I felt was just wrong.

It almost seemed inevitable looking back on our relationship that she would wind up cheating on me. One of the main things we fought over was jealousy issues. Lauren was a flirt. And if I got any ounce of attention, she would get green with envy.

The problem with our toxic relationship was that I had this connection with her that I felt like I never had with anyone else, and could never have with anyone else. Of course, I was proven wrong. When Lauren and I broke up I felt like that was it for me. That I could never feel as strongly for anyone as I did for her.

When Lauren I met, I wasn't quite out yet at all. I had hooked up with a couple of girls, but it was completely on the down low. I knew who Lauren was. She was known around school for being a lesbian. And I knew she had gotten bullied about it- especially when we first started dating, she looked very "stereotypical". Short chestnut brown hair, wearing plaid a lot and hats. Her style changed as we got older, she became more herself. She grew her hair out, started dressing more alternative, and got some piercings.

I remember the first time I kissed Lauren like it was yesterday. We were both working on art projects after school. Lauren, unlike me, was really good at painting- which is what we were doing.
I was getting frustrated at how bad my painting was coming along. And Lauren, whose painting looked amazing, of course- had walked by it and chuckled.
I was not having it.
"Is something funny?" I asked her, turning around. I felt immediately hot when I saw her. Because I did- admittedly- have a crush. Even though we barely spoke.
"Your painting. If I'm being honest." she said.
"Well, not everyone can be as good as you."
"Don't I know it." she laughed, "But would you like some help? I'm not a complete dickhead. I don't want you to fail."
"You really think I'm going to fail?" I asked her, defeated.
"Um, no comment. Let me help you." Lauren said.

And so she helped me. She helped me for two hours, until my painting started to look, well, like an actual city skyline.
"You're really great." I said to her.
"Practice makes perfect." she grinned at me. I noticed how pretty her hazel eyes were.
"I don't think I'm going to practice much." I chuckled, "I'm more into other things."
"Like what?"
"I really like to read. I also enjoy watching documentaries. I like learning." I said, suddenly feeling lame.
"That's really cool." Lauren said, "And I think I know something else you like."
"What are you talking about?" I asked her, genuinely having no clue what she meant.
"Girls." she said, looking at me.
"W-what?" I was flabbergasted.
"I could be wrong. Tell me if I am. But I think you're into girls. I can tell by how you've been looking at me. How you do glance at me during class." she said, taking a step closer to me.
"You've noticed?" I asked. I couldn't even deny it.
"So you are gay?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. I am."
"Lucky me." she said, and then she started to lean in. It was just us in the art room.
I remember being so nervous, knowing she was about to kiss me. But I wanted it. I wanted her. So I gave in.

My relationship with her was kept a huge secret. The only one in my family that knew was Charlotte. I would lie to my parents about who I was hanging out with when I would see her. I was constantly sick over the fear that my parents were going to find out about her. But I grew to fall in love with Lauren- hard. So that completely overtook my fear.
I was always an anxious mess. Nauseous, riddled with headaches. It was truly exhausting living this double life. But I felt like it was really worth it- so I could be with Lauren. I could be myself when I was at her house. Her parents accepted me, and loved me for who I actually was.

It was the summer after high school when my parents found out about my sexuality- and us. We had kept our relationship a secret from them- but not really from anyone else- for over a year. And we planned on being together after high school. Our colleges were less than an hour apart.
My parents had gone on a Church retreat for a weekend- so naturally, I invited Lauren over. When was did I have the opportunity to fuck her in my bedroom for once?

They were supposed to come home that Sunday. Lauren was going to sleepover that Saturday night, and then leave really early in the morning.

I try to block out what happened when my parents walked in on us kissing in the basement. We were watching a movie in the mini "theatre" area my parents had, with a huge TV and super comfy couch. We were cuddled up together under a blanket. Kissing, not doing anything more. And over the volume of the TV, we didn't hear my parents come in.
The scream my mother let out when she saw us, I think my heart almost stopped in that moment.
"STOP IT. NOW." she screeched. And my dad was just standing at the top of the steps, frozen.
It was all a blur after that. She shouted at Lauren to get out. She threatened to call the cops when Lauren tried to stand up for me. Said that she would report her for trespassing, which doesn't make sense.
And then after Lauren left- my parents basically disowned me. My mom was hysterical, saying no child of hers was going to be gay. Live that lifestyle. My dad was much quieter- but agreed.

That was one of the worst days of my entire life. That whole summer I basically bounced between staying with Nia and Lauren.
And my sexuality became something that my parents then would completely avoid. Even when I went to go live with them again after I left college because I didn't have a choice - they completely avoided it. And me.
They had wound up coming home early from the Church retreat I learned because Callie was in the hospital.

One of the other worst days was when I caught Lauren cheating.
Now I know it was a blessing in disguise. Lauren, as much as I loved her, was not good for me. She was volatile. Needed to work on herself. And she took a lot of her issues out on me. Mentally, and physically even too.
Still. I'll never forget how low I felt when I realized what was going on. How fucking stupid I felt. How worthless I felt.

I had come up from Rowan University to visit Lauren at her art school she was going to in Philly. We had been rocky for a few weeks. But I figured that weekend, we could make up. And things were going well.
Until we went to a party.
And I can still remember the way my stomach dropped when I was standing near Lauren, talking to one of her friends, and I noticed a girl from across the room looking at her. She had long, dark curly hair and she was short and very slim. She had on a black crop top and a tight red miniskirt.
And then, she winked at Lauren.
And I was horrified when I saw Lauren give her a flirtatious smile.
And I just knew.

I stormed outside. I didn't even care that I left mid conversation with Laurens friend.
I was livid.
I walked outside of the brick row home, hearing the music blasting from the inside. I was pacing around on the porch by myself when I felt someone grab my arm.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
It was Lauren.
I looked at her, I'm sure eyes blazing. "You're cheating on me."
I just flat out said it.
And by the taken aback expression- I knew I was right.

I immediately broke down. I'm not proud of how I acted. How much I was crying and yelling at her. She was just yelling back at me to stop. That we could talk about this.
But there was nothing to talk about. She was cheating on me- with that girl- whose name I found out was Ainsley. And she admitted that she had been for months.
Months .

I spiraled after that. I dropped out of school. Had to move we back to my parents. I was surprised they even let me do so.

Lauren tried to reach out to me a few times after that. But I avoided her every time. I couldn't do that to myself.

Because I as awful as I felt, I had respect for myself. And I could never be with someone that hurt me so bad. And that's why I was so nervous, and still nervous to be with Colby again.

Because I was terrified of getting hurt.